


Breathing in Rain

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Happy Birthday Lance (Voltron), Implied Sexual Content, It's done!, Langst, Language, M/M, Multi, Post Season 6, References to self-harm, Torture, We did it guys!, Your present is that I'm going to stop hurting you now, character(s) death(s), dark lance, klangst, like guys, references to suicidal thoughts, slowburn, the first 2 chapters might decieve you, this is not a happy fic, what am i even doing y'all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 80,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: At first, Lance kept his promise. He left Earth and joined the rebellion. He called every week with that fake smile pasted on his face and a chuckle before saying that he was doing fine.Then he disappeared for three years.





	1. Prologue/Chapter 1: A Guy Named Kai

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just enjoy putting characters I like through immense pain. 
> 
> WARNING: more tags will be added as I go on and decide what I do/don't want to include, but looking at my general outline for this it is going to be a little sad.
> 
> But for now - enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. So this fic hasn't really been updated or anything, but I figured out how to fix my chapter notes... I'm not sure if it's going to the top of the dashboard or not soooo just wanted to clear that up if it is!

Prologue:

“Your bayard changed.”

Lance would have jumped if he hadn’t heard the training doors slide open a few minutes ago. He knew someone was watching him… He hadn’t realized it was Keith. He supposed that shouldn’t come as a surprise. Training areas were where his ex-teammate generally navigated. Even in the Garrison. Slicing through the last droid, he looked over to find Keith leaning against the wall, eyes taking in the Altean sword in thoughtfully.

“Yeah, a few weeks ago.” He answered, looking down at it. The weight was getting more familiar, but he still wasn’t as skilled as Keith was. “I don’t think I’m good enough with it to actually use it in battle.”

“You used your gun against Shiro,” Keith said, pushing himself off the wall and walking over. “You can switch between the two?” He asked and Lance hummed as his answered. Keith had grown taller than him since his ‘two year’ expedition. It was a little weird to be eye level with him, but Lance figured the bigger change was the purple stripe on the side of his face.

“How is Shiro?” He asked quietly. He reverted his bayard back in its non-weapon form. Keith swallowed. The guy was hard to read, but Lance liked to think he got some of the basics down. The mouth and hands were usually his giveaways. Allura’s were her eyes. Pidge and Hunk were usually expressive enough that he didn’t need to work as hard.

“Doing better. He should be up and piloting in a few days.” He said and gave a weak smile. Lance nodded.

“And you?”

“Me?” Keith asked, voice sharpening slightly. His hands clenched a little. Lance shrugged.

“It sounded like a rough fight.” He answered, trying to keep his voice light “Even superstar, mega-paladin Keith Kogane might be a little shaken.” He told him and gave a small smile “Which is okay, you know.” He added, trying to make the words sound as gentle as possible. Lance hadn’t really planned on becoming personal cheerleader for all of teammates when he became a paladin, but found it was sort of his only real use. He didn’t even mean to do it half of the time. Pidge hadn’t eaten? He was on it. Hunk a bit anxious? Comedian Lance always put him right. Allura heartbroken? Well. He had some firsthand experience there. With her. Yeah…

Keith’s mouth twitched and Lance knew he had said the right thing.

“I’m doing okay.” He said carefully “A little…Overwhelmed with everything.” He admitted and paused. He was probably expecting Lance to make a jab at that. Part of him was tempted, just to ward of the seriousness of the situation, but knew that in these moments it probably wasn’t the best. “What about you?”

Lance blinked.

When was the last time someone asked how he was? Outside a physical injury, of course. The question caught him a little off-guard, throat tightening painfully as he remembered it was his mother who had last said those words. For a second he wondered if Keith knew – Sam Holt had promised the information he had given Lance earlier was secret, but his stomach rolled a bit at the possibility. He chuckled, shaking his head.

“Right as… I forget how the expression goes. English is weird.” He murmured, racking his brain for the correct translation of whatever he was trying to say. “I’m good.” He amended. Keith’s brows crinkled a little. Lance wondered if he knew English wasn’t his first language. Despite the time spent with one another, he wouldn’t say they knew each other particularly well. Or perhaps Lance was right before and he did know. His defensive walls rose up immediately. He wasn’t ready. Not yet.

“Pidge told me that…Well, not-Shiro was kind of rough on you.” Keith continued, and Lance noted his eyes were scanning him suspiciously. A surge of relief washed over him. Right. Of course that was what he meant. Shiro. It always came back to Shiro with Keith. He felt a stab of pain at the thought. A reminder that once upon a time he had a similar love coursing through his veins.

“I’m not made of glass.” He shrugged instead “He wasn’t as bad as the kids I was with growing up. Or the kids at the Garrison for that matter." He added. That was one thing nice about space. Everybody was so concerned about alien species that not many people could be super racist towards him. He was just an Earthling to them. “There is something I wanted to talk to you about though.” Lance added. Keith tilted his head, but said nothing.

“Shiro is going to pilot Black as soon as he’s better. I’m giving you back Red.” He started. It was a conversation they had before, but this was… Different. Lance was no longer making this suggestion. “Allura is keeping Blue so I’m heading out in a couple days. I didn’t want to bother Shiro with any of this right now, but was kind of hoping you could tell him.” He added and when Keith opened his mouth quickly tacked on “I’ll say goodbye, of course. I’m sure the Garrison wants interrogate me too. But after that I just… Yeah.”

“Lance, we’ve been through this-”

“And I listened to you last time.” He interrupted as softly as possible. “This isn’t about the math this time, man. It’s about all of us. Allura is the best with Blue. You are the best with Red. Shiro is the best with Black. It makes sense.”

“If you don’t want to pilot that’s fine, but you don’t have to leave.” Keith objected. Lance bit his lip. He hadn’t expected Keith to really have much of an opinion on the matter. He figured he would shrug and let Lance walk away. “We still need you. I know you miss your family, but you can’t protect them down here.”

Oh, the irony. For a second Lance almost choked on his own words. His heart re-broke and for a second he wanted to do nothing more than punch Keith’s well meaning expression to pieces. To scream and rant and swear vengeance on the world… But Lance knew he was a better actor than that. If he wanted his justice, he had to do this the right way.

“I never said I was staying on Earth.” Lance snorted “I already reached out to Matt Holt. I can join with the Rebellion.” He shrugged “Kolivan also told me if I passed a series of test I might be able to do something with the blade. I kind of doubt a non-Galra could pass though.” He frowned, wrinkling his nose. Keith made a soft sound of what could have been agreement.

“Will you give it a couple days to think it over?”

Lance sighed.

“Keith, I’ve been thinking it over since _you_ left.” He admitted. This was true. Recent events had only solidified what had been bouncing around for months now. “Trust me, this is for the best. For everyone. I’ll keep in touch. Better than _you_ did anyway.” He added with a small glare. At this, Keith had the decency to avert his eyes guiltily. “A ‘hello’ now and again would have been nice.”

“You don’t even like me.” Keith muttered, crossing his arms. Lance wrinkled his nose. He was dealing with how he felt with Allura, but… He wasn’t even for sure where to start with Keith. He wasn’t for sure what this feeling was. If it was… Friendship or… Something more intense? Keith annoyed him, sure. But the guy made him feel stuff that wasn’t too dissimilar to how Allura made him feel and Lance just wasn’t ready to start with it. Still. He supposed he could address some of what he figured out.

“I do like you.” He told him, shifting a little at his own honesty “We just… Shouldn’t be friends.”

Keith’s mouth popped open, eyes widening slightly as his hands clenched a bit by his sides.

“You – why not?” He asked, a bit indignant. It reminded him of the discussion they had after Sendak when Lance told him they didn’t have a bonding moment. “Is it because I’m Galran?”

“Of course not!” Lance told him sharply “No, I knew this since we met. Before actually. Within seconds of hearing who you were.” He said and sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Listen just… I am the kind of person that’s emotional. I get super invested in the people I care about, and that’s fine sometimes. I don’t really know why I do it, but usually it just means I have to be careful over who the people I allow into my life are. And _you_ are the kind of person who is reckless and impulsive. Caring about you would be terrible. I would constantly be worried and stressed and wondering if you are okay and angry that you’re doing stupid stuff.” He shook his head “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it would be worth it, but I punched a wall when Matt told me you almost ran yourself into a particle barrier. And that’s just when I worked so hard to hate you.”

“You… Know about that?” Keith flinched. Lance pursed his lips.

“Nobody else knows. I’m sure they’ll find out eventually though. I’m surprised Pidge hasn’t come in to throttle you yet.” He smiled a little at the thought. Pidge was so scary. “The point is you would totally break me and I don’t have time to be anymore broken than I already am. Sorry.” He finished and offered him the bayard. Keith didn’t take it. Lance held back his impatience. He couldn’t break. Couldn’t reveal anything.

“You took an energy beam for Allura.” He said stubbornly “That’s the same thing.”

“Maybe, but everyone would get over it in a couple days if something happened to me.”

“How can you say that?” Keith asked, voice rising steadily “You don’t get to be the deciding factor of how people feel.”

Right. Keith _did_ annoy Lance. He had just forgotten how much.

“I’m more observant than you give me credit for.” Lance told him dryly. Keith looked like he was going to argue more so Lance held up a hand “Can’t you just shut up and trust me?” He snapped out “I’ve made my decision.”

Keith’s mouth snapped shut. His hands trembled a little and a stab of guilt flooded through him. He wanted to point out that Keith left too. He left them and only spoke to them when he had to. It wasn’t fair to try and make him stay. Not that Lance even knew why he would want him to stay.

“Okay.” He finally said and took the bayard out of Lance’s hand. “If that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t really what he wanted, but… It was what he needed. He gave a weak smile in response. He put a hand on his shoulder and gave a nod before turning away. This would be good. He knew it would work out better for everyone. Giving a small salute over his shoulder he called out to Keith as the door opened for him.

“Keep sharp, Samurai.”

* * *

Keith sat with the bayard in his hand for a long time. It could have been minutes… Or hours. He wasn’t sure. All he knew was something felt wrong. Unsettling. Lance – in all the time he knew him – was full of expressions. Full of emotions that were easily read and dissected so that anyone could get an easy glimpse of his heart.

Then again, Keith had been away for a long time… And he could never claim to know him well. His fingers twitched around Red’s bayard. He thought back to Lance’s withdrawn expressions. Strangely calculated. Like a robot might try to simulate an emotion rather than display an authentic one.

The training room’s door slid up open and he turned to find Pidge dash into the room. Her glasses were askew – extenuating a wild gleam in her eyes as she looked around, slightly out of breath as if she sprinted from wherever she came from to here.

“Where is Lance?” She demanded when she only found Keith. “ _Where is he_?”

Something was wrong. He knew it.

“He left that way – why?” He asked her, but Pidge only cursed, sprinting back out of the room. Keith made to follow her, but immediately ran into Shiro and Hunk who seemed to be in similar states of distress. “What’s going on?” He demanded – holding up a hand to stop them. “Why are you looking for Lance?” He asked. Shiro hesitated, his newly white hair making him look older than he really was. He opened his mouth for a second before snapping it shut. Hunk raised a hand and pointing to a television screen that sat at the end of the hall. Keith frowned, wandering a bit closer so he could hear what was being said. Lance’s picture flashed on screen.

“ _….found earlier this week. Coroners have suggested the family died nine days ago. The bodies were found in their home, lined up in a row. Lance McClain, one of the missing space cadets from the Garrison school in Arizona, arrived back on Earth three days ago. Officials have informed us that he was notified of his family’s murders. His response is unknown.”_

Oh God.

“How?” Keith whispered “ _Who_?”

Shiro closed his eyes.

“Sendak decided to visit earth. We don’t know why he chose Lance’s family. Everyone else is fine. He must be planning something.”

“Lance knew? He told me he was leaving. He said-” He paused, replaying the conversation in his head. Lance, who was so poised and calm. Lance, who smiled and teased him a little. Lance, who got such a strange expression on his face when Keith made the comment about _protecting his family_.

He wanted to throw up.

He knew what it was like to lose everything. He wanted to find Lance and tell him so – to keep him from the anger and bitterness that drowned Keith’s existence growing up. For as much as him and Lance argued, bickered, and fought – there was no pretending they didn’t care for one another. At least a little.

They looked for Lance all day. And the next. The next. They flew to Cuba – where his family’s funeral was held. He did not show up. They went to the graves everyday for the next week. He didn’t visit. To his house nestled on the beach. No Lance. They tried the Garrison again, the lions, family vacation spots, distant relatives, old friends, childhood sweethearts. Nothing. He was gone.

Or at least, what Lance said earlier must be true. He hadn’t stayed on Earth.

There was nothing left for him here.

* * *

 Chapter 1: A Guy named Kai

“Wake up.”

“You can’t make me.”

“Alejandro, you need to wake up.”

“Ugh,” Lance groaned and rolled over “I regret telling you my full name. Just call me Lance like everyone else.” He scowled. A warm hand carded its way through his hair. He leaned a bit into, not willing to open his eyes as a breathy chuckle caught his attention.

“I like Alejandro. It’s pretty.”

“So are you.” He smiled back and finally cracked open an eye “Five more minutes?”

“You have a diplomacy meeting in a varga.” Lance blinked again and Kai’s face became more visible. Giving his most dazzling smile, he propped himself up on his elbows.

“Sounds like five more minutes are available.”

“Get up, you idiot.” Kai snorted, pushing him. Lance pouted, but stretched, throwing off the thick comforter and looking around his quarters. Over the past three years, it had become more homely than when Lance originally inhabited it. Tokens from various missions littered most of the room, a few drawings from children of different planets stuck on the walls. Hologramed pictures lit up different corners of the space. His things were neatly organized (though not in the way Lance preferred – thanks, Kai) with only his favorite facemask out of place, thrown lazily on one of his dressers.

“Who are we meeting today?” He asked, throwing on his suit. It had taken him a solid two months to adjust to his new armor after ridding himself of Voltron’s paladin uniform. Admittedly, this was a bit more practical. The gray material was tight and flexible, but very much still armor. The red and blue pieces were worn, the paint chipping after many battles, but still ran in intertwining lines all along the vital parts of the suit. He had secretly chosen the colors as a silent ode to his old lions. Kai’s was similar, the only difference being his had the most hideous shade of brown running across it.

“Diazen.” Kai answered, rubbing his eyes. Lance glanced over at him, taking in his tragically beautiful boyfriend. Lance thought it was a bit unfair that while he had a thousand different things to do everyday to make his hair and skin look presentable, Kai just had snap his fingers. Literally. The guy could change his appearance kind of like Allura could, but… Also not really. He didn’t turn into other species, but could change his hair, eyes, skin – all by snapping. It was cheating and he knew it. “They want to renegotiate with us about supply runs.” He explained and Lance groaned. At one point he had _enjoyed_ diplomacy. That was before he was in charge of it.

“We’ve done this three times this _month_. I don’t know what more there is renegotiate.” Lance muttered, slipping his helmet under his arm. Kai snorted and clapped his arm.

“They just want to see your face again.” He winked. Lance hated the fact he blushed at that. Silently thanking he was turned away, he shoved him away and walked through the door, abandoning his boyfriend to deal with new recruits. The hallways were well lit, blinding him momentarily before he adjusted to the light and turned to make his way to the control room.

“Commander,” A few greeted him as he entered. He gave various nods and polite smiles. At one point in his life he might have slid into the room finger-gunning (admittedly, he _did_ do that on his first day), but now dramatic entrances have lost their pizazz. He needed fresh material.

“How close are we to landing?” He asked instead and an Altean glanced over at him.

“A few dobashes,” She answered and raised an eyebrow at him “You look tired.”

“Who asked your opinion?” He muttered back to her. The alien’s lips twitched a little at his irritation. A few members of the crew rolled their eyes – all too familiar with the snarky words sure to come.

“It’s not very professional to be sleeping with your second, you know.” She sang, pressing a few buttons on her control panel. Lance sneered at her.

“You’re just mad because it isn’t _you_.”

“What? That you’re not sleeping with me or that I’m not your second in command?” She asked, blue eyes sparkling. Like Allura, she had the same pointed ears and markings that Lance come to associate with her species. However, her hair was worn in tight, black curls that were always held up in a bun. Lance knew firsthand that if he were to yank at the string holding it together it would become a wild, untamable mess. He enjoyed watching her suffer with it.

“Eh. Either. Both.” He shrugged “I don’t blame you, Sonja. I’ve been given good reviews.” He smirked and the Altean snorted.

“Kai has always been too generous.” She threw back and the ship hummed as she lowered it a bit closer to Daizen. Lance went to retort back, but a sharp beeping sound interrupted his quip. “Torren? This is Sonja with Libertas coming in. Can you hear me?” She asked. Static. “Torren, respond or we will be rejecting the request to renegotiate.” Sonja continued solemnly. A few more beats and she turned to Lance, brow raised.

“Your call, jefe.” She said and Lance scowled at the nickname she had jacked from his own language. He looked out the window to gaze at the landscape below them. Daizen was basically filled with blue sand - a strange illusion of an ocean within a desert. While there appeared to be no explosions or current attacks the silence stirred something in him.

“I’m guessing there isn’t a distress signal?” He sighed, crossing his arms. Sonja shook her head. “Right. For now I’ll speak to the council while – MOVE!” He shouted, cutting himself off as a beam zipped past them. Sonja made a sharp noise of surprise as she swerved the ship to the left, yelling for other pilots to man the seats on either side of her. “What the Hell?” He muttered, flicking his wrist so their screens were filled with maps. He could see a few ships to their right, but none capable of shooting at them.

“Commander!” Another pilot shouted “There’s another one coming!”

“Lift up our shields and go lower to the ground. We need to make sure whoever is shooting isn’t taking hostages.” He instructed, and pressed his wrist “Kai, get in here.”

“Way ahead of you, moonlight.” Came the quick response, crackling over the comms. Lance ignored the nickname in favor of studying the maps. Daizen was technically a free planet, which could mean it was a target for the Galra. Before Lance could deduce the possibility, Sonja groaned.

“Freaking _Voltron_ ,” She muttered and Lance’s gaze snapped up as the ship lowered to see five lions circling around a large building. It didn’t take much effort to realize the building was shooting out the beams, knocking the lions off course as they attempted to block the villagers from the destruction. “Commander.” Sonja called and he met her eyes. “Don’t, Lance.”

“The people are under attack.” He argued and Sonja growled as she swerved them towards a less clustered part of the chaos, sending pulses of energy towards the beams to stop them from reaching a group of aliens down below. “We can’t _ignore_ that, Sonja!”

“Voltron appears to have it under control.” She argued “We were here for a negotiation, we aren’t prepared to fight.”

The green lion took a sharp hit, hurtling it back and for a second Lance’s heart stopped. It always did whenever he saw Voltron fight. For years he had stayed away, but usually the battles didn’t look as intense.

“Alejandro,” Kai’s voice came from behind him “The building is filled with Galra here to destroy the ore supplies.” He said, holding up a communicator. “Torren got in contact with me a few minutes ago.” He explained and Lance felt a small stab of relief that their diplomat was all right.

“The lions are landing.” Lance frowned, watching as the building shuddered a bit after the blue lion shot it with ice “I don’t understand – what is this?” He asked, gesturing to the building. Sonja muttered something, but brought up a large projection.

“Daizen’s defense tower. It has been keeping Galra away for years, but some must have gotten in and taken control. The only way to shut down the tower is from the inside. Voltron must be going to disable it. I’m guessing since the building has stopped shooting that it’s recharging – they have thirty minutes to disable it before it can fire again.” She rambled off, tapping at the screen.

“Send me in.”

“Veto.” Sonja hissed out immediately and glanced at Kai. “According to the council-”

“I _know_ , Sonja.” He snapped back at her “But the council isn’t here and you alone can’t veto my orders.” He looked over at Kai expectantly “Only if you and Kai agree. Kai?” He asked and the alien shook his head.

“It isn’t a good idea, Alejandro. They look like they have it under control.”

“If Voltron loses this planet not only do we lose an ally, but also resources we _need_ to survive!” He argued “This isn’t about me. Or them.” He growled. Kai looked somewhat doubtful at that, but Lance threw everything he could in the gaze he sent him. Sonja gave a curse in Altean, hovering the ship between the tower and their exit point.

“I go with you.” He finally said and Lance smiled. Sonja groaned in defeat.

“One varga, commander.” She spat out “No more. What’s the orders?”

“Keep flight until signaled down by me or the council. Kai and I will go in and deactivate the beam. We’ll try to avoid Voltron if possible.” He added “We’ll be stealthy.”

Probably. He would try his best. Sonja glanced at the other pilots and nodded briskly.

“Yes, sir.” She replied immediately, but the gleam in her eyes told him he would receive Hell for this later. He offered a tired shrug before jerking his head at Kai and dashing towards the exit.

* * *

Stealth did not go as planned.

The Galra took one swipe at Hunk and Lance catapulted across the room. In three quick shots, he took their snipers down while bringing out his sword to take on the closer ones. It wasn’t a particularly difficult fight – and honestly, Sonja was right that Voltron probably could have handled it, but Lance figured if he was there he might as well finish the job. Rolling away from his current opponent, he brought out his gun and shot the two near Allura before going back to sword fighting. He could see Keith a few inches away, wavering between attacking and helping him. Lance stabbed the galra in front of him and clipped the last one near Shiro. Before he had a chance to finish, Shiro knocked the galra out flat.

“Thanks,” He greeted calmly “Are you with the rebellion?” He asked. Lance opened his mouth to reply, but Kai’s scream caught his attention.

“ALEJANDRO!” He called, dodging an attack. Pidge had disappeared – presumably to dismantle the tower – but it appeared more galras were around than he expected since three were currently surrounding his second.

“On it!” Lance yelled and shot two of them. The last held up his hands in surrender. “You have five seconds to get on your knees. Now.” He ordered. The galra swallowed, hands trembling as the sword fell from his grasp. He glanced over to make sure Kai was in one piece before sighing in relief.

“Whoa,” Pidge’s voice came from somewhere above him “Who are you?” She asked dropped down, tossing her bayard over her shoulder. Holy crap, she got taller. He could have sworn she was up to his chin now. “Did you say seconds?” She asked, tilting her head “That’s an Earth term.”

“We’re nobody.” Kai said quickly “Is the tower stable?” He asked and Pidge took off her helmet, revealing hair that now cascaded down to her shoulders in choppy layers. She squinted at them, nose wrinkled in suspicion.

“Yeah, I took care of it.” She said smugly, a smile dancing across her lips. “You guys are highly trained for nobodies.” She noted and Shiro shushed her, taking off his own helmet. His hair was still white, but the black was growing back in, making him look speckled. He offered an apologetic smile to them, shifting his new prosthetic (which looked to be Altean) out as if to shake their hands.

“Your name is Alejandro?” He asked, calmly. Lance stiffened a bit. The rest of the team was gathering around, curiously moving in closer. “I’m Shiro. That’s Pidge.” He jerked his head to where the green paladin was still watching.

“Alejandro is an Earth name.” She crossed her arms. Lance glanced at Kai.

Should he be offended that they didn’t know his real name? Probably. Did he have the time or energy to be offended right now? No. Instead, he turned away, planning to keep his promise. He wouldn’t reveal himself. He wouldn’t reveal his organization. For as annoying as Sonja was – she was right. The council would _kill_ him if he fucked up a ten thousand year secret organization over _sentiment_.

“Hey-” Keith’s voice started, but was interrupted by an angry scream of despair. The galra who Lance had forced to surrender crumbled as a gunshot when through him.

“Commander!” A voice boomed and Lance brought out his gun on instinct. “I was under the impression that your organization did not engage unless it was pre-mediated.” They growled and Voltron shifted in a defensive position. Lance’s blood went cold. He may not have met this alien personally, but he knew the voice well. “I was told Libertas came into new leadership a year ago, but I did not expect the newest commander to bring their second on an impromptu trip to help _Voltron_.” Came a whine of disgust “I had my plan all lined up. I didn’t need to kill all of the paladins. Just one.”

“Torren?” Kai spluttered. His eyes widened as he looked at Lance. “Moonlight, I think we are facing our first traitor.” He grumbled, a small pout lining his voice. It would have been endearing if Lance didn’t feel so indignant.

“You planned this?” He demanded. It was a pretty stupid plan. Or a very smart test. He wasn’t sure yet. “Where are you?” He asked, eyes flicking over Voltron warily. If the goal was the kill one paladin then Torren did just gather them all in once place. He glanced at Kai and nodded.

“You don’t really think I’m going to answer that, do you?” Torren’s voice came from somewhere above them. It was hard to pinpoint where exactly – the inside of the building was practically all metal, letting his words echo. “You know, I think I know who you are.” Came a mused hum. Lance tensed. He took a step forward, eyes trying to find a semblance of movement.

“You lured Voltron here on purpose – but why ask us here?” He asked, trying to buy himself some time. It was a reasonable question after all. His heart was beating loudly in his ears. Each of the paladins were in a defensive position, gazes trying to find the moving voice. For a second he saw Allura and a wave of panic rolled over him. He wanted her far from whatever this mission was. Safe and – no. No, Allura could take of herself. He needed to focus.

“There was a rumor.” Torren answered him “I wanted to see if it was true.”

The others tilted their heads at that, but Lance knew what it meant. Torren was right – he _did_ know who he was. The knowledge made his stomach twist a bit. Only Libertas members had any knowledge of his identity and a few close allies. They each had to swear confidentiality and Lance himself was always forced to keep his face covered around strangers. To have a helmet that masked his voice. There were _reasons_ for that.

“Reveal yourself now and I won’t kill you.” He told the shadow. This time, he didn’t receive a response. The only sound was the creaking of the building and Hunk’s fingers tapping nervously over his gun. Lance glanced over at his friend. It was then that movement caught his eyes. For a second he saw a flash of color and then –

“ _KEITH!”_

The name exploded from his mouth before he could consider the consequences of it. He launched himself towards the paladin, shoving him out of the way before the gun went off. Keith was fast – faster than he remembered and pulled Lance out of the way with them. Another shot came and this time it was Hunk who barely dodged. Lance cursed, bringing out his own weapon, but Keith’s hands pushed it down.

“He’s in front of the generator!” He hissed “If you hit it then we all blow up.” He growled. Another shot came – this time clipping Pidge’s shoulder. She swore loudly, but otherwise appeared unharmed.

“I’m going to have to stab him then.” Lance said, bringing out his sword. They had found a bit of shelter behind a mound of ore, kneeling as they caught their breath. “But I need to get close without getting shot.”

“You’re not sending one of mine in as a distraction.” Keith told him, eyes protectively sweeping over the team. Lance smiled a bit to himself.

“No,” He agreed and clicked his comm “Yo Kai. We need a distraction. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” He asked and Keith rose an eyebrow at him. Lance waited until the comms buzzed back.

“Tragically, I am.” Came a dry response “I know Torren has a son – would that work?”

“Does he _like_ his son?” Lance asked, ignoring the way Keith was gaping at him through his helmet. At Kai’s affirmative, he nodded. “What?”

“How is him having a son helpful?” Keith told him, but was silenced when a figure emerged from one of the pillars. Lance smiled to himself, turning to Keith was a familiar feeling of competitive smugness that often attributed itself to his teenage years.

“Kai can shape shift.” He whispered back and started moving “Wish me luck, samurai.” He added absently and slipped around the corner. Kai was speaking in docile tones, confusion lacing his voice.

“Dad? Libertas sent me – what’s going on?” He asked, hands raised in surrender. Lance looked over at his second. He didn’t know much about Torren or his family, but it was Kai’s job to. He assumed he was in character and was proven correct as the shooting stopped. He let himself melt into the walls, slipping closer to the generator where he knew Torren was hiding. Hopefully he didn’t figure out the trick quickly.

A few beats of silence and then –

“Drew?” The name was said so softly that Lance almost stumbled. A brief wave of sadness hit him, but he pushed it away so he could dive behind another pillar. He could see Torren now. The alien was crouched, but rose a little to get a better look at Kai. Lance brought out his sword and took a silent step forward. “How did they send for you so quickly? I can explain-” He began, but paused after a second. Lance halted, holding his breath. “Drew’s eyes were never that green.” He said, voice hardening and raised the gun. Lance dove, closing the distant rapidly between them before it could go off. His sword found flesh and there was only a soft gasp of shock before the gun clattered.

It was interesting – the different ways aliens died. Some turned into smoke, others melted into the ground, some turned bright gold. Torren died like a human did. With a choking sound, eyes full of regret, and a body that would crumble into the ground if left long enough. Pulling out his sword he saw his blood was silver. It was pretty in a dark, twisted way.

“All clear.” He called, forcing himself away from the body and kicking the gun far from it. “Are you okay, Kai?” He asked warily. Kai had his armor back on, but Lance assumed he had already transformed to how he usually looked again. He gave a thumbs up.

“What just happened?” Hunk demanded “And how did _you_ know Keith’s name?” He added, spinning towards Lance. Before he could attempt to answer, Keith himself emerged. Lance felt a brief stab of regret as the boy stormed towards him. Damn his loose tongue.

“You,” He breathed out, ripping off his helmet “Take that off.” He said, gesturing to Lance’s armor. There was a dirty joke somewhere that Lance could reach for, but only stared back at his ex-teammate. “Seconds, Alejandro, _samurai_ – do you think I’m stupid?!” He yelled “Take it off!”

“Easy.” Kai warned, stepping towards them. Pidge gave a sharp intake and Lance closed his eyes. She had figured it out too then. He opened his mouth trying to think of what he could say to fix this mess.

“I-”

“ _Commander_!”

Oh shit.

Lance spun to see Marton storming in, fully dressed in council clothing with the snakes on his head hissing with annoyance. Behind him followed Ethia and Lonton, two other members of the council. He was so, so screwed. Kai shook his head, removing his helmet to reveal his obnoxiously beautiful face. Lance swore he heard Hunk gasp in wonder.

Lance removed his helmet as well. He fucked up ten thousand years of secrecy – he probably shouldn’t start messing with tradition as well. He immediately knelt, placing a hand on his forehead as a greeting until Marton growled at him to rise. As he did, he heard another sharp intake.

“ _Lance_?” Allura’s voice bounced towards him. He forced himself not to look over at her, keeping his eyes on Marton instead.

“You better have a good reason for this.” He started, pointing a finger at Lance. “I _said_ you were too young for this position. I _said_ that you had too much emotion to lead and-”

“With all due respect, sir.” Kai cut in “The commander was chosen as all other commanders have been. He passed the tests _you_ designated for him. He outdid all of his opponents and has achieved more this past year than the past three commanders have in a century.” He argued. Lance’s heart sang. He knew Kai would always come to his aid, even in the worst situations.

“Oh? The last three commanders did not _expose us to Voltron_!” Marton shouted. Lance exhaled, looking down to hide his smile.

“Councilman,” He started instead, keeping his voice calm “I’ve been saying this since I’ve _joined_ Libertas that Voltron could be an asset. I did not come here with the intention of exposing Libertas, but with the current situation-”

“Do you remember what I told you when we first accepted you?” Marton interrupted and Kai stiffened. He took a step towards Lance and immediately the air became icy “When Kai found you? Tortured and starving in that prison?” He asked and Lance’s eyes felt sharp as he looked at the alien. The snakes were swirling around his head, but Lance didn’t break eye contact.

“You told me that this organization were for those who lost their homes.” He said “For the planets Zarkon destroyed or imprisoned.” He answered calmly “And that I now counted as one of those who who were without a place to go.”

“I assumed an orphan would know better.”

“I am not an orphan.” Lance replied stiffly. It was a lie, but he wouldn’t let the old alien win this one. “Earth remains stagnant and free.”

“It won’t if you do not learn how to do. Your. Job.” Marton hissed. He raised his hand – probably to strike him, but never got the chance. Kai’s sword was at his throat in a moment. The other two councilmembers froze in shock.

“Do not touch him.” Kai said darkly “Or it will be the last thing you ever do.”

The words were black with a promise that would not be abandoned if challenged. Marton’s eyes widened, each of the snakes curling back in shock at the boldness of the movement. Lance’s comms flared up and Sonja’s face joined them.

“Commander is – Councilman.” She greeted, eyes blinking owlishly at the scene before her. “Has something happened?” She asked, a bit dryly as she noted Kai’s sword to his throat. Marton’s gaze snapped to her.

“Call the others!” He spat out “We need to discuss-”

“He was going to hit, Alejandro.” Kai interjected, sword not lowering. Sonja rose an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, councilman. If you threatened the commander I cannot help you.” She told him and Marton spluttered, his green skin flushing a bright blue with anger. He looked torn between screaming in anger and screaming in fear. Lance sighed.

“Enough. Kai lower your weapon.” He said. The alien pursed his lips, but slowly pulled back. His muscles were taut – ready to move again if Marton dared strike now that he free of threat. Lance placed a hand on his arm, trying to remind him to relax.

“Your loyalty should not _just_ be to the commander.” Marton spat out “It should be to the council. To the organization _we belong to_!” He told Sonja. The Altean watched. Her eyes had left the trio, now focusing on the paladins. Lance still hadn’t gathered the courage to look at them.

“Are you surprised, councilman?” Sonja finally answered “My loyalty has always been to Lance. He was the one who accepted me – not the council. If I remember correctly, _you_ were the ones who wanted to use me as a sacrifice.” She reminded him coldly. Lance inwardly sighed. If they got into _that_ argument they could be here awhile.

“You are out of control!”

“Commander.” A new voice called out. Lance felt his stomach drop a little. Again, Kai and Lance dropped to their knees as another member of the council dropped in. Marton gave a small huff of smugness.

“Lina,” Lance greeted and the old alien smiled, beckoning him to rise. “Marton was-”

“Spilling nonsense, as usual?” She asked, ignoring the way Marton’s haughty look vanished within seconds. When he opened his mouth the retort, Lina raised a hand. “Marton don’t get arrogant. We may have the same position, but don’t believe for any length of time that we are equals.” She told him. Kai coughed, clearly trying to hide a laugh. “Take your lackeys and get out. The commander has done well today.”

“He _exposed_ us-”

“I said _out_!” Lina turned and her face went from old and wrinkled to young within seconds. An angry young woman stood in her place, fire dancing out of her fingertips as she waited for Marton to scurry out before shrinking back to her usual form. Slowly, she turned to the paladins. “Introduce us?” She asked innocently. Lance pressed his lips together. So she _was_ angry…

“Of course,” He answered “That’s Shiro, Pidge, Allura, Hunk, and Pidge. The paladins of Voltron. Voltron this is Lady Lina of Planet Tolanden in the eighth sector. She is a member of Libertas’ council and as the only remaining members of her species is highly regarded.” He told them, hoping his silent warning was enough.

“Uh, should we kneel too?” Hunk blinked. Lina smiled.

“No. That is only for members of Libertas.” She told them “Though, I suppose you are now allies of our cause. Alejandro?” She called and Lance turned to her warily “I think since you so kindly invited them that it should be you who gives them the tour, no? I suspect you have a lot of catch up on.”

Damn her. Lina always knew how to make him feel guilty. She claimed she didn’t have the ability to manipulate emotions, but he strongly disagreed. Kai took a step closer to him.

“Of course,” He answered weakly. He was still avoiding everyone’s gaze. Focusing instead on Kai’s presence behind him. “I’ll have them sign the confidentiality agreement as well.” He promised and Lina nodded in approval. She looked at him for a moment before sighing.

“You are young,” She told him, voice going soft for a moment before forming into cutting words. “But you are in charge of lives now. You may not have asked for this position, but you were chosen as all commanders are. Do not think I don’t know that you would rather be out chasing Sendak. You have lost much in a little amount of time. If you are not careful you will lose more. Understand?” She asked him sharply. Lance swallowed.

“Yes, Lina.” He answered, voice going a little weak. The alien smiled before gently patting him on the cheek. It said something that Kai didn’t even bother to move at that. Lina would never hurt him – even though she could be a complete hardass.

“Good,” She told them and turned to the paladins “And welcome Voltron. To Libertas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen. Hear me out. Is Libertas a lame name for a space organization? Absolutely. Did I spend an hour staring at my wall trying to figure out something better? You betcha. Did I come up with something cool sounding? No. No I did not. If you guys have better ideas please let me know so I can change it lol.
> 
> Hi by the way! Thanks for dropping by and reading. I hope everyone likes it so far. I feel like I included a lot of OCs thus far, which I know I'm not really a huge fan of when reading. They really just help me establish things. They won't be around forever, trust me.
> 
> Also, I hope you like long chapters! I'm a pretty quick updater, but since the chapters are so long it might only be once or twice a week. I'm working on chapter 3 right now so we'll see how I do.
> 
> Anyways, this is my first fic in this fandom so if you want to throw comment/kudos my way that would be cool. If you hated it then that's cool also lol. I generally hate 99% of whatever I write too. See you soon!
> 
> -CF


	2. Rolling out the Welcome Wagon (Please, take a Pamphlet)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: not mine.

When Lance had left Earth – he really did join the Rebellion.

He hadn’t lied, per se. He went and joined their forces with a bright smile and silent thirst of blood. He kept his promise and called Voltron once a week. They often tried to talk about his family, but he established the second they tried to push in that direction he would end the call. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear how he should come back, how he should be careful, how he should mourn properly – no.

Eventually things got tricky. Rebellion leaders noticed him getting more erratic. He was fine with saving people typically – but he wanted Sendak. He _needed_ Sendak. To feel his vengeance as he plunged his sword into him slowly so that Lance could rip it back out and force him to scream the names of those he had took from him. Lance would dream about it. The blood. The pain. The release of throbbing in his chest when it was all done.

Unfortunately, Shiro must have talked to the Rebellion because he was put on no missions near Sendak. None. Nada. The impatience was starting to get to him. He needed justice. Needed something other than screaming in his pillow every night to rid himself of the visions. Eventually, he cracked. He finished a solo mission and was heading back when he saw a galra ship.

That was the last time anyone had heard from him.

He hadn’t meant for it to go the way it did. After slaughtering through a good third of the galra, the rest had taken him down. Lance ended it by shooting at their engines. The explosion brought the entire ship down, navigating them to the nearest planet where they crash-landed. That was… Truly where things changed for him.

He was sure he would have to explain it all at some point, but right now… He couldn’t. Not with the team watching him like this. He led everyone into their ship where Sonja was waiting. She looked tired. Her eyes flittered from Voltron to Lance before locking the ship’s doors and disappearing again.

“She’s Altean.” Allura noted. Lance smiled. Allura was still just as beautiful as he remembered her. Her hair was cut shorter now, up to her chin so that when she walked it floated around her head like a cloud. He felt a stab of gratitude for the change. Allura had been a vision many of his torturers had used against him in the past. He was glad for the subtle differences. A reminder that this was real. She was real. They all were.

“She was part of the colony Lotor created.” He said, tearing his eyes away. Was Lotor a safe topic now? He wasn’t sure “She escaped years ago.” He explained, leading them down the light gray corridors. He walked into a large room that was technically a conference room, but… Nobody really knew it was there. So Lance often used it to avoid people among… Other things.

Kai must have sensed his thoughts because a small smirk crawled on his face.

“Oh really?” He asked lightly. Lance scoffed.

“Shut up.”

Kai tipped his head back and laugh, the sound echoing around the room as the door slid closed behind him. Lance took a moment to look at the way his hair fell back, exposing his throat before forcing his gaze away.

“Don’t be so mean, moonlight.” He teased “You’re going to hurt my feelings.”

“Moonlight?” Keith muttered – his first words in this whole endeavor. Lance felt his face flush a little. Kai snorted. He glanced over, slightly amused at him for a moment before tilting his head.

“So you’re Keith.” He mused and if possible, Lance’s face got hotter. He turned away, trying to remain composed as he flipped through some tablets to get the paperwork done.

“Leave them alone, Kai.” He tried desperately to keep his voice light and uncaring.

“Yeah,” Sonja’s voice reappeared and Lance just went ahead and hit his head on the wall in front of him “Leave them alone. They only just got Lance in trouble.”

“I got myself in trouble.” He sighed, turning back around. Sonja shrugged at that. “Lina is right. I’m responsible for everyone here, I shouldn’t be so reckless.” He added, miserably. He placed the tablets down, bringing up projections. Kai and Sonja exchanged a look. “What?”

“Don’t be sad, Lance.” Sonja smiled, teasingly “We got your back. Besides, wasn’t it awesome to see Marton yoted by Lina?”

“No.” Lance blinked at her “Do not – that isn’t how that word is used. Why did you make it past tense?”

“God, _Sonja_!” Kai chipped in “You’re _embarrassing_ him in front of _Voltron_!”

They both snickered. Pidge was looking at them with open curiosity. Lance sighed.

“You are both the worst.” He muttered. Sonja crossed her arms, clicking her tongue. Kai only rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well. I need to be the worst in the control room if you aren’t doing that.” He said and with a wicked grin went right up to Lance and kissed him on the mouth. Lance’s mind blanked for a moment – not registering anything until the alien vanished with an evil cackle. “See you, moonlight!”

“ _KAI!_ ” He shouted, voice rising a few octaves at the betrayal. Keith sounded like he was choking on something. Sonja made a face.

“You guys are so gross.” She muttered “Remind me to never fall in love.”

“I don’t think you’re likeable enough for that.” He quipped. Sonja nodded.

“Thank God.” She grumbled and Lance made a face before pointing at the door for her to leave. “Fine, fine. I’ll go. If you need me to shoot any of them, just call.” She added before glancing over at Pidge. “Except the green one. She’s so small.”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“She grew from the last time I saw her.” Lance couldn’t help but adding. “She used to be up to my elbow. Don’t be fooled though. She’ll make you cry.”

Sonja regarded Pidge with a look of approval.

“A tiny person who can make big people cry. Nice.” She said and exited the door on that note. Pidge looked torn between offended and pleased. Lance turned to launch into his presentation, but the words left his throat when everyone turned to him. Right.

“Hi.” He said instead, voice weak. They each looked the same, yet different in their own right. It was both startling and comforting. His eyes found Keith and he realized the red paladin had changed the least. The familiarity of it made his stomach clench. He jerked his gaze away. “So… Libertas. You’re probably wondering what exactly that is.”

“I feel like we have more pressing questions.” Pidge told him dryly “You being _alive_ for starters.” She said, crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn’t wearing the overgrown white and green sweater he had grown used to seeing her in, but some kind of dark green t-shirt that was stained so badly, that even Coran’s magic washer couldn’t do it justice. Hunk made a hum of agreement. While he was in the same outfit he always wore, his hair had also grown longer so that it was tied into a bun with the orange bandana he usually wore around his head. What caught Lance’s attention even more was the long scar that ran on the side of his face and peaked out on his wrist. Part of him wanted to ask. Part of him knew he shouldn’t.

“That’s not a question.” He pointed out, refocusing himself on Pidge. Her eyes narrowed behind those obnoxiously large glasses that she apparently still liked to wear.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were alive?” She rephrased her words bluntly. “You’ve been gone for _four_ years, Lance. MIA for three. What the Hell? Why are you calling yourself Alejandro? Who exactly are those people?” She demanded, gesturing towards the door Sonja and Kai had exited out of “Are you and that guy really dating?”

Lance couldn’t help it. He laughed. With everything that happened, the last couple of questions seemed a bit inane. Pidge turned bright red and he forced himself to reel himself in. Keith’s eyes were already dark enough, pinning him against the wall with an anger Lance didn’t want unleashed on him. He supposed he did owe a proper explanation. Just maybe not so many details.

“Kai is my second. We have a weird system. I’m the commander so I’m in charge of mostly everything. The only people who really have sway over me are the council – you met some of them.” He added, thinking of the telling off he received earlier with a wince. “When I’m not here, Kai is in charge. Sonja is like… My third, I guess? She prefers a different term, but it’s Altean so I can’t really pronounce it that well. She mainly deals with keeping the ship up and running.” He shrugged, thinking of his temperamental friend. “And yes, Kai is my boyfriend. Turns out I’m pretty bisexual.” He gave a sly wink “Don’t get too excited though. We’re pretty committed.” He added.

“I’m intrigued.” Pidge said, crossing her arms over her chest “But my other questions first.”

“Alejandro is my real name, Pidge. Kai just prefers to call me that because he’s annoying.”

“Alejandro.” She repeated, narrowing her eyes at him. “I guess. Feel a bit like a moron for not knowing though.” She added with a slight grumble. Lance felt his lips twitch a little at that. Shiro cleared his throat raising an eyebrow. Right. That left one last question.

“I couldn’t tell you I was alive. We are pretty strict on being a secret organization. Trust me – I’ve tried. And you saw what just happened back there.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Which brings me back to this.” He gestured to the projections in front of them “Libertas. Hi. I’ll be your presenter for the evening.” He told them lightly. “We are a ten thousand year old organization that formed when Zarkon started taking over. Ever heard of us? Probably not. We’re sworn to utmost secrecy with the punishment ranging anywhere from memory erasure to death depending on the day.”

“Unless you’re the commander?” Allura asked, raising an eyebrow. Lance couldn’t help but flush a little at that.

“Lina won’t let anything happen to me,” He sighed “But I’m sure they’ll figure out something.” He added and flicked the screen. It showed several galaxies with planets marked off in purple. “Each planet you see here is one that the galra have taken over or destroyed. That’s how we get most of our members. Anyone who’s home is lost has the opportunity to join.” He said “Lots of people here have escaped prisons, lost family, been kidnapped, sold into slave trade, or forced into the galra’s custody. So keep that in mind when talking to people – nobody has a happy story.” He warned and flicked the screen again.

“We do have allies though. We work really closely with sectors of the rebellion-”

“Is that how you joined?” Allura interrupted and Lance paused. Absently, his hand went to his throat, a flash of pain flooding through him as a memory struck. He blinked and took in her earnest face. It was stuck between anger and…pride. Like she couldn’t decide which one to go with yet.

“Unfortunately, no.” He said and left it at that “We also work a bit with the Blade, but like I said. The people we work with are also sworn to secrecy. We never tell an entire organization we exist either. Limits exposure.” He explained “You’ll have to adhere to that too.”

“And if we don’t?”

Keith this time. Figures. He was watching Lance with the same irritation he had before. It was like watching a bomb ticking down. The last time Lance had seen him, he had finally found his zen. He felt a stab of regret that it appeared he was the one who stole that from him.

“I would really rather if you didn’t put me in that position.” He said calmly “After killing me for bringing you into this alliance then the council will decide what actions to take. I doubt they would want to destroy you since we are obviously fighting for the same thing, but…” He trailed off “They would make sure a price would be paid.” He added darkly “Others have tried to expose us in the past. It never worked out well for them.”

Silence greeted that statement. Shiro pressed his mouth in a thin line. Surely this was against all he believed in. Lance almost wanted to reassure them that they weren’t as awful as it sounded but… He wasn’t entirely sure how well that would go over.

“Anyways, so I’ll be sure to give you a tour of the ship when we’re done. We have three bases – I can’t tell you where they each are, but you are allowed to know where this ship is. If you ever need help then click this-” He said, holding up a small remote and sliding it to Shiro who looked it over curiously “And I can lead you to wherever we are or we can come aid you.”

“You don’t need the council’s permission first?”

Keith again. Lance could see what he was doing. He was trying to pick a fight – like old times. Lance gave him a once over. Usually it would be Lance to goad Keith. Not the other way around. But Lance had changed. Keith knew this too. It was why he was trying to dig the old version of him out. Trying to throw some of his anger at the old Lance who had abandoned them.

“If there is enough time, yes. If not then I make the decision.” He answered, trying to sound as professional as he could muster up. Keith’s hair was tied back, he realized. He had been so concerned with how little he changed, he failed to notice the simple things that had. It looked… Nice. If not a little intimidating since Keith’s bubbling ire was now easier to read without his hair obscuring his expression.

“Great.” He drawled. Lance pressed his lips together, but ignored him.

“Right. So if you have any questions – go ahead and ask anyone. Sonja will give you guys confidentiality forms when you leave the ship. You have to sign them if you want to leave. I’m guessing Coran is going to be involved so I’ll have someone sent over to him to explain this all to him.” He finished, clasping his hands together. Pidge raised her hand. “Uh… Yeah?”

“How long have you and Kai been dating?”

He stared. He had forgotten her boldness… And how much of a little sister she could be.

“Almost two years.” He told her, knowing there was no point in trying to keep any information she wanted from her. She nodded thoughtfully, pushing up her glasses before raising her hand again. “Just ask, Pidge.”

“I missed you.”

Well damn. Lance was not prepared for that. His heart immediately softened at the earnest look in her face. Four years – technically three in which they had no contact at all. She would be eighteen now. He could see it in her eyes. Parts of her hardened and others had softened. Lance wondered if the Pidge he knew would have ever said she missed him. He stared for a second, unsure how to process her words.

“I missed you too.” He finally said and hated that his voice cracked a bit.

“Great. Does this mean I can check out the sweet computations your engineer did to make the projection look that accurate?” She asked, gesturing maps still moving around them.

Demon. Demon child.

Shaking his head at how purely evil she was, he clicked open his comms.

“Mion?” He called “I have someone here who wants to know about your coding.”

“Hi commander. I’m in my office. Go ahead and send them there.” Mion’s voice answered without hesitation. Lance shot Pidge a glare.

“Third door down the hall.” He told her and she blew a kiss, jumping up to scramble towards Mion’s office. Lance rolled his eyes. “Did you want to go to?” He asked Hunk. The paladin looked at the door with consideration before turning back to Lance.

“I want to see you. It’s been awhile.” He said. At least Hunk was always sweet. Smiling he nodded, closing off the projections and stretching so his joints popped a little. "By the way, what's around your neck?" Hunk added and Lance looked down to see the gray and black braid sitting on his chest. At the end of it was a glowing blue stone that was typically hidden under his shirt, but must have fallen free. He picked at it a little.

"Oh. It's just to let people know I'm the commander." He shrugged "There's a bunch of lore and stuff about it, but I don't want to bore you with that." He said and brightened “I have a demonstration to do so you can join that. Maybe we can spar or something. It’ll be fun!” He said and Shiro rose a brow. Perhaps he caught the slightly mischievous note in Lance’s voice. They had seen him fight in tower. No doubt, Shiro suspected what he was up to. Throwing a wink over his shoulder he marched them out of the room.

* * *

 

“There are three rules to keeping yourself safe during a fight. The first thing to remember is that you don’t need to win – you need to _survive_. Winning is a reward we don’t always get. If you win and die, you’ve ultimately failed your mission because we lost you. Understand?” He asked the group of trainees. They were young, this group. With wide eyes and big emotions. Most of them came from Diazen itself – being offered enrollment after the tower business a few hours ago. Lance regretted they hadn’t had more time to settle in, but there was really no time to waste.

“The second rule is where you’re faced. Always face your opponent – never look away. If you have victims behind you try to keep them to the side that way if one of them goes rogue you can see if they plan on stabbing you in the back.” He continued. Shiro was just as into his lecture as the new recruits. He was humming, arms crossed as he nodded. Lance resisted the urge to chuckle.

“Lastly, make sure your weapons are only where _you_ can reach. If someone else is able to steal your weapon you are as good as dead. Got it?” He asked and there was a chatter of ‘yes commanders’ chorusing across the room. Lance smiled brightly at them. “Anyone want to try?” He asked and the room looked at one another.

“Uh, against you?” One of them asked.

“Yes, against me.” He said “I know I’m awesome, but don’t worry. I’ll take it easy on you.” He assured them with a wicked grin, but everyone looked at each other warily. He was about to drag one of them up when Keith walked over to him. Lance bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if this was the best time to do this, but the look in Keith’s eyes told him wasn’t going to sit back down. Shiro frowned, shifting a little nervously.

“I’ll do it.” He said simply. Lance saw the others curiously looking at Keith – most probably recognized him as a member of Voltron. Whispers flew across the room, carrying high-pitched voices like hymns in quiet churches.

“Alright,” He relented. Telling him no would cause more problems. “Everyone, this is Keith. He is a paladin of Voltron. He trained with the Blade so his style of fighting is actually very similar to what you’ll find with the galra.” He explained. The excitement in the room grew. “The weapons are over there,” He said turning to Keith. “We start off with hand-to-hand combat until one of us can reach them. Pick whatever you want. Also the guns are kind of like paintballs. If you shoot them they should leave a mark on your opponent.” He explained. Keith nodded, eyes inventorying the room. Lance tried not to bite his lip. Sure, he had improved greatly, but he was positive Keith would have kept progressing as well. It would be super embarrassing to get creamed in front of his own recruits.

…Which was Keith’s goal, he knew. Immaturity didn’t suit him.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve done this.” Lance told him, trying to keep his voice light as they got into position. “Sure you’re up to it, mullet?” He asked for the sake of giving in a little to the old teasing. Keith’s eyes flicked him over, narrowing him slightly.

“And whose fault is that?” He asked. The bell rang, signaling for them to start “As a commander I hope you’ve improved since the last time we fought.” He drawled, eyes quickly reading Lance’s body language.

“Always so volatile.” He clicked his tongue “I thought you let go of that anger.” Lance taunted. As he expected, Keith lunged towards him at that. Lance ducked, rolling under him with a swift kick behind Keith’s knee. The other boy dove off to the side, making sure there was a good distance between them.

Lance struck first this time. He aimed towards his left – knowing his weaker side. Keith seemed to expect this though and easily moved so that he was behind him. Spinning, he had just enough time to duck before Keith could get him. He let his eyes flick to where the weapons were and subtly put himself between them and Keith. A few more minutes of the dance and Keith finally fell victim to his trap. Dodging forward, Lance was able to hit him hard enough to send him stumbling backwards, leaving him to grab a sword and turn back quick enough. The guns were too far, but he at least had an upper hand.

“Looks like you have improved,” Keith gritted out, dodging Lance’s attack with the sword. He was much faster than Lance remembered – practically wind. “Your second been teaching you?” He spat out “Or was it your Altean pilot?”

“Don’t blame them for me not coming back.” Lance snapped out – a wave of defensiveness flooding over him. Keith took advantage of his anger to roll past him and pick up a sword. Lance quickly stepped back and blocked him. “That was my decision.”

Keith didn’t answer. They instead continued fighting. The clanging of the swords began to grow more desperate and Lance could feel Keith’s emotions behind each strike. A parry of anger. A stab of resentment. A slash of betrayal. Lance wondered what his own strikes were saying.

“Who have you been training with?” Lance couldn’t help but ask as he dodged. Because Keith _had_ gotten better and he didn’t see how that was possible when there was nobody to challenge him. “Krolia?” He guessed and immediately wished he kept his mouth shut. Keith’s form faltered at his mother’s name and for a second Lance wondered if something awful happened.

“Yes,” He answered tersely “She’s been teaching Hunk and Pidge too.” He added, lunging forward. Lance’s muscles strained to get out of the way. He had come to appreciate sword fighting. It wasn’t shooting – but he liked the feeling it gave him. Like a dangerous salsa. Keith tried to knock him off balance.

“Nice of her.” He breathed out, trying to keep his breath even.

“Well, it was her way of distracting them from mourning you.” He gritted out, a bead of sweat rolling down his face.

“I told you-”

“Shut up.” Keith interrupted and this time he managed to knock Lance’s sword free. Diving out of the way he made a desperate attempt for one of the guns and nicked it just in time to roll away from a sword coming down at him. He jumped back up loading the gun and cocking it at Keith just at the same moment Keith’s sword found its way to his throat.

They both stood there panting heavily. Lance’s gun at his head and Keith’s sword at his neck. It was a disgraceful tie and they both knew it.

“Whoa,” Someone whispered. Neither of them lowered their weapons – instead trying to read the other’s eyes. Some of the anger in Keith’s had vanished. It left only raw betrayal when he looked at him. Lance swallowed.

“On that note, I think it’s time for dinner.” Kai’s voice said, jolting Lance back into reality. His boyfriend was watching them with a look on his face that Lance couldn’t pinpoint. Slowly, he lowered his gun, trying to better read the expression. When their eyes met, Kai gave a tight smile. “You guys looked pretty well matched.” He noted as everyone filed out, excited chatter echoing around them. A few looked over their shoulders to give them doe eyed looks of admiration before disappearing. Shiro, Hunk, and Allura followed Kai up to them with slightly concerned gazes at Keith.

“Well, I learned from the best.” Lance told him, offering a bright smile. The strange expression on his face loosened a little at that, leaving Lance to wonder what had put it there in the first place. Keith made a scoffing noise from behind him, but said nothing. “What brings you over yonder?” Lance asked him instead “I thought you were in the control room.”

“I heard there was a demonstration. Thought you might need a sparring partner, but I guess Keith took the bullet for me.” He said and a sudden click of understanding washed over him. Oh. _Oh_. Lance felt a stab of guilt. He probably should have thought of that. He had admitted to Kai once that he had been confused over his feelings regarding Keith. Walking on them staring each other in the eyes probably wasn’t the best thing with that in mind.

“Literally.” Lance smiled, tilting his head at Keith “I had a gun to you, after all.”

“You guys looked awesome out there!” Hunk told them, clasping their hands together. “It was super hypnotizing. I thought I was watching a ballet or something.”

Kai pursed his lips. Lance looked at him and instantly the look vanished, replaced with a warm twitch of the lips.

“Sorry,” Kai said immediately. The group looked at him in confusion, but Lance only shook his head fondly. He wanted to tell him not to apologize for having emotions – but knew the comment would tip everyone off to what was bothering his second. So instead he tossed his gun to the ground and looked at him with a smirk.

“Don’t be. I was just thinking – isn’t it time for dinner? We should everyone to the pavilion. I have some stuff to do in my office. Maybe you could pick me up something and bring it over?” He asked innocently. Hunk and Allura both perked at the mention of food. He tried to remember if they had any cider – it had always been Allura’s favorite.

“But of course, commander.” Kai chuckled with a roll of his eyes. Shiro narrowed his gaze and Lance gestured for them to follow him before he could put two and two together.

The dining pavilion was probably the weirdest looking part of the entire ship. For starters it was a giant sphere. Not shaped like a circle – the floor actually dipped down and ceiling curved at the top so they were in a literal sphere. This normally would make it impossible to eat, but the room was specifically designed to be an anti-gravity chamber so the tables and food floated aimlessly around.

“Why?” Hunk groaned when he saw several recruits floating by the glass window chasing after their space goo. Lance grinned and clicked in the code to let them inside.

“The council has a long list of reasons that include training, learning how to operate in a non-gravity sphere, goal oriented tasks… But I honestly think they just find it funny.” He told them “Good luck. Our chef, Pops, is over there.” He gestured to where the chef was diligently slicing some space fruit in the air effortlessly. He paused a little when one officer came too close – holding the knife threateningly before he slowly floated away.

“His name is… Pops?” Allura blinked, eyes widening a little. Lance shook his head.

“Nah, but I can’t actually hear his real name. It isn’t comprehensible for human ears. I just call him Pops because he finds the sound funny.” He said, thinking back to his first meeting with the chef. Pops was an intimidating guy and Lance had been pretty wary in those days after being released from the prison he was kept at. He could recall hovering by Kai’s shoulder, watching the thousand armed alien slicing through six different foods while preparing nine more before sliding him a warm loaf of bread.

 _“Humans eat food like this, no?”_ He had asked and once Lance tasted it all his wariness for the chef disappeared.

“We need to get back to our lions tomorrow.” Shiro told him “We can’t stay on Daizen for very long. Will we see you before we leave?” He asked. Lance felt a stab of regret at that. He hadn’t actually gotten much of a chance to catch up with them.

“Of course,” He said softly. At this reassurance Allura, Hunk, and Keith disappeared into the room. Shiro hesistated. He glanced at Kai then at Lance. “Shiro?” He asked, giving Kai a small nod to go on in. The older paladin placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Lance.” He said gently and his hand slid up to the side of his jaw “You look more grown-up since I last saw you.” He chuckled. Lance smiled. He had missed Shiro.

“I’ve had to do a lot of growing up.” He admitted and looked down “Look, Shiro. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be.” The black paladin interrupted “Trust me when I say that I understand why you made the choices you did. I may not agree with all of them, but you’re alive. That’s all that matters.” He told him, lowering his hand “And you grew to be a great leader.” He added a small smirk settling on his lips “Have you told your staff that I taught you everything you know?” He asked and Lance threw back his head to laugh.

“Shiro. Such pride is unfitting for Voltron’s leader.” He teased, letting the warmth of the intimate conversation wash over him. Once, Lina had told him it was easier to put all of your emotions in boxes. Lance felt he cold never do that. He was too ruled by them. In moments like these – he had no idea how to contain the way his heart fluttered with familiarity or how his stomach rolled with bittersweet memories.

“I am proud. Of you.” Shiro nodded “I know with… With everything that happened while you were with the clone…” He trailed off “I never got a chance to apologize for it before you left. To explain.”

“There’s no need. It wasn’t you. I understand.” He told him, crossing his arms. He didn’t want to think back to that time. To the days he both loathed and adored. Shiro’s eyes flicked over his face before drifting over through the window to look at where Kai was picking up various food and putting it on some plates.

“And… Kai?” He asked, raising an eyebrow in an almost paternal manner. He thought of his mother and his heart throbbed. “Pretty serious, huh?”

“I’m worried where this conversation is heading.”

“Just thinking they don’t exactly cover gay alien sex in the Garrison.”

“ _Shiro_!” Lance choked. The traitor had the nerve to laugh at Lance’s spluttering.

“I never knew you to be so shy, Lance.” He smiled “What happened to activating particle barriers?” He asked and Lance threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Well, yeah. But that never came from _you_!” He pointed out “Please tell me you aren’t going to give me a sex talk right now. I’m twenty-one. Please.” He asked, a little desperately. This is _not_ what he wanted to reunited with Voltron for. Shiro snorted.

“I think I’m too late for that.”

Oh yeah. Big time.

“We’ve been together for a long time.” He shrugged, jamming his hands under his armpits. It was a nervous tick he would normally try to avoid, but it was Shiro. “How is… Everyone?” He asked, flicking to where the others were eating. He might need to find Pidge and usher her in there as well. If memory served him correctly she wouldn’t come out to eat on her own. “Hunk has some nasty scars.”

“We all do. You’ve gotten some new ones yourself.” He noted and Lance let his hands drift to his wrists. They weren’t the ones Shiro was referring to – he probably was noting the small nick on his eyebrow that seemed laughable compared to the rest of his injuries. Still, Shiro caught the movement and stiffened.

“Yeah, well. Some battles are harder to come out unscathed.” He sighed and let his fingers fall away. “I saw some of yours. It was… Difficult to stay away.”

“But you did.”

“But I did.” Lance agreed. Shiro’s words weren’t angry. They weren’t an accusation. Simply a fact. An acknowledgement that what Lance said was true. “Keith is angry with me over it.”

Shiro paused at that. His new Altean arm twitched. It was a strange likeness to his Galra arm, only pure white with lines of blue running through it. It was kind of beautiful in a way.

“We were scared, Lance. The last thing we ever heard is that you were getting more reckless and that after a solo mission you didn’t come back. We searched for… Months. Allura took is really hard. So did Keith. He felt like he could have saved you. That if he hadn’t let you leave…” He trailed off and Lance’s gaze switched to where Keith was eating with the others. While everyone else was struggling to keep their food in front of him, he seemed at ease with it. He didn’t say much, simply watching the conversation between Hunk and Allura with gentle eyes, but occasionally he would smile and nod.

“There wasn’t much of me save,” He admitted “The best parts of me died on Earth.”

“Sendak. You haven’t got him?”

“Trust me, It’s all I think about. But not yet. I will though. I’ll get him.” Lance swore, voice hardening with resolve. “I didn’t ask to be commander. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to keep doing solo missions so I could search for him, but… I was chosen to test and when I passed.” He shook his head “I had too many responsibilities to only focus on Sendak.” He admitted, dryly.

“Maybe vengeance isn’t the best method.” Shiro suggested lightly. Lance rose an eyebrow.

“I don’t see any others.”

Shiro stared at him then. For a second Lance wondered if he was trying to find the 17-year-old he had first met in the desert that day. Lance wondered if that kid still existed. Under all the layers of trauma and tragedy he might. Maybe. But Lance had no interest in finding him. He had never liked that version of himself anyways. It was a useless, shallow piece of him that was too weak to save the ones he loved. He was better now. He wouldn’t lose anyone else due to that weakness ever again.

“I hope we can see more of each, Lance.” Shiro finally told him. “We’ve missed you.”

Lies. Lance didn’t mind them. He knew they thought they did miss him. You always miss things that you think you can never get back. Missing them when you _know_ you will get them back was more indicative of love. He thought back to his family.

“I’ve missed you too.”

* * *

“Long day?”

“I wouldn’t mind it being longer.” Lance admitted as Kai entered the room, setting down some food. “They all feel…Weird. Different, but the same.” He explained, lacking any sort of rhetoric that would correctly communicate his feelings. Kai seemed to understand anyways, nodding.

“Sonja likes Pidge.”

“Likes?” Lance rose an eyebrow and Kai snorted.

“I’m not sure in what way, but she seems fascinated that someone so small can contain so much energy and passion.” He said and Lance smiled. Energy and passion. It summed her up in a nutshell.

“You know, when I met her I thought she was a boy. She pretended to be one when we were in school together.” He said, putting down his pen to turn his full attention to Kai. The alien tilted his head in curiosity at that “Our school had banned her from the premise because she kept hacking into their computers to find out what happened to her family. She went in disguise as a boy. Her real name is actually Katie.”

“That is insanely badass.” Kai shook his head “I wish my family would crossdress for me.” He said and Lance snorted. “What? That’s kind of what happened.”

“Technically your family does crossdress. Just not for you.” Lance pointed out with a hum. Kai considered this information before shaking his head.

“We don’t technically have gender to crossdress, actually. We don’t need sex to reproduce. I only look like this for your filthy, human needs.” He grinned and Lance pursed his lips. He had obviously seen Kai in his natural form. He supposed it did look quite genderless. “Don’t worry,” Kai added, perhaps misreading his expression “I quite like your human needs.”

“Trust me. I know.” Lance chuckled and shook his head and grabbed the food. “I’m sorry about earlier. With Keith. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He said, swirling his spork in what Pops called ‘dinner-desert’. It was a weird combination of salty and sweet that Lance’s taste buds couldn’t quite comprehend.

“Hey, no apologies.” Kai said, waving him off. “You guys were just sparring. I was being weird.” He chuckled. “Keith was just… Different then I pictured.” He said. Lance frowned a little at that. He had spoken about his old teammates in great detail to Kai over the time they had known each other. He wasn’t entirely sure what parts of Keith were surprising.

“Well… He is mad at me right now.” He shrugged.

“I don’t know how _anyone_ could be mad at you.” Kai told him flirtatiously, playfully fluttering his eyes. Lance snorted, pushing his half-eaten plate away. “I knew that would work.” He said triumphantly and Lance laughed.

“Please. We both know my lines are much better.” He said, grabbing his hand to lead him away. “For example… Hey, are you an alien-”

“Alejandro, please don’t…”

“Cause your body is _out of this world_.”

“Is there a chance Voltron will take you back?”

“ _Wow_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed (: I tried to make it a little fluffy since everything kind of goes to shit next chapter.


	3. Me, Myself, and I (Also You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: not mine - that's probably a good thing

Lance can remember very clearly the first emotion he ever felt when meeting Keith Kogane for the first time.

Resignation.

It was a weird feeling to have when you first looked at someone. To this day, Lance wasn’t sure what he was resigned to. All he knew was when he first saw Keith passing by with his nose bloodied from a fight and face flushed with anger, his energy levels sapped and he had the overwhelming urge to accept a fate he didn’t even know.

There were times since that point where the feelings would resurface. That familiar sense of resignation that burrowed itself deep in his chest, flooding out to every pocket of his soul whenever he looked at the other paladin. It caught him at the most random times. Whenever they were piloting, sparring, eating, sometimes even just talking. It never seemed to appear when they argued. It was the one thing he could rely on. When they fought, he could actively push away the resignation in favor of indignant rebellion. Lance had always been stubborn.

The familiar reprieve was here now. Lance was glaring heatedly across the room as Keith narrowed his eyes and glared right back. He had planned for this to be a simple goodbye. A hug and a wave to everyone before they took off to meet with Coran and save whatever next planet they needed to.

But no. Of _course_ it had to be more complicated than that. Shiro and the others had gone to thank the council for their welcome (as Lance had told them it was a good idea to), but Keith adamantly stayed behind. Lance got the feeling he had been waiting patiently for this opportunity. This moment of confrontation that had been waiting to explode since the moment they were reunited.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Lance told him finally. “If you want to yell at me, go ahead. Just get it out.” He snapped because, honestly? He was so done with it. Keith had a temper – he always had. But it had always centered around people trying to control _Keith_. Not Keith trying to control other people.

“Were you there?” Keith finally asked, uncrossing his arms so he could take three quick steps towards him. “Just watching us the whole time?”

“Do you honestly think I just sat here watching you guys like a reality TV show?” Lance threw back, narrowing his eyes “I was doing my job.”

“Hunting Sendak.”

“That is one of them, yes.”

“You’re so selfish.” Keith growled at him and Lance clenched his jaw, eyes flashing.

“Me? You forget you left too-”

“That is _not_ a fair comparison!” Keith shouted and pushed a finger against his chest “Do you know why I left? I left for _you_. Because you came to me that night not knowing your place and I made sure you had one. Because I knew if I didn’t you would fuck off to the rebellion or someplace like…Like _this_!” He yelled, gesturing around the room. “I left to keep you safe and _you_ left to get your fucking revenge! Then you abandoned us and left us to search aimlessly for you. Was it funny to see that?” He added, pushing Lance back a little.

“I wouldn’t know,” Lance told him coldly “I wasn’t a part of Libertas when I technically went ‘missing’. Not for another year, at least.” He snapped back. Keith faltered at that. “You’re right. We shouldn’t compare.” Lance continued calmly “You’re mad cause you think I’m feeling what you felt all your life after my family died. You think you understand.” He said and pushed Keith away from him. “Let me correct that assumption. _It isn’t the same_.” He snarled and clenched his hands into tight balls. “You had nothing and then when you got _everything_ here. You went to space and got a family, found your mother, found your identity, your purpose, your peace with your past tragedies – _everything_.” Lance told him, letting the resentment inside of him boil up. Lance took a step forward, getting right up so that they were nose to nose, but Keith didn’t move away.

“I came here and _lost_ everything. My family is dead. My identity shattered. My purpose has changed into something I never, ever wanted. I was thrown into a world I didn’t belong in and had nobody to help me when I started to drown. We aren’t the same, Keith. _You_ were able to be fixed. I am not.”

“You’re so full of it,” Keith snarled “You know absolutely nothing about me. Or yourself as it turns out.”

“And you do?” Lance spat back.

“I know you’re pretending.” Keith shot back at him “You always pretend. Always have. Is there any part of you that is real?” He demanded and Lance shoved him back roughly. Part of him wanted to throw a punch. To growl and scream and fight.

He wouldn’t though. He had to be better than he had in the past. So instead he turned away.

“Goodbye, Keith.” He hissed out.

Pretending. How ironic. Keith was right, in a way. Ever since they met, Lance had been pretending. He was apparently so good at it that Keith was unable to tell that these were the moments Lance was real.

After all, he had no other reasons to pretend.

* * *

Kai didn’t ask about the argument, but he didn’t really need to. He silently brushed some hair from his eyes, lips pressed together in a frown before turning away. They knew each other well. They knew when the other needed space. Lance appreciated it.

He spent a good couple hours training after Voltron left. He let the droids take most of his anger out of him. Keith’s words kept banging around his mind. Replaying violently and consistently. In some ways they were comforting. Like he needed desperately for someone to scream at him – ground him. He hadn’t felt rage like this in a long time. The deep-rooted hatred for Sendak was always there, but by now it had become a part of him. Sunk deeply in his bones so that he couldn’t feel it in the same way he felt his anger towards Keith. It was like boiling water compared to a raging fire.

“The yellow paladin left that for you.” Sonja told him when he finally entered the control room. Lance glanced over and saw a poorly wrapped gift sitting beside her. He scooped it up, anger already evaporating as he unwrapped it to find his old jacket in his hands. Hunk must have found it after he left Earth. He pressed it to his face and inhaled. It used to smell of his older brother, who had given him the jacket, now it smelled like Keith. Weird.

“You look tired,” Sonja frowned at him “Is this about the red one? I heard you two shouting.” She said and Lance blinked a little in surprise. He felt a wave of gratitude that she hadn’t intervened. Things would have escalated if Sonja came to his aid. Besides, the argument was between him and Keith.

“We’ve been shouting at each other for a long time.” He sighed, running a hand across the sleeve of his jacket. He was sorely tempted to slip it on, but refrained. “I’m usually the one that starts it.”

“And now?”

Lance thought back to the last conversation he had with Keith on Earth. His words echoed in his ears: _The point is you would totally break me and I don’t have time to be anymore broken than I already am. Sorry._

It wasn’t the same…Was it?

“And now we have different paths.” He shrugged. _You’re pretending_ , Keith’s voice mocked in the back of his mind. Lance shut it up, quickly. Before Sonja had a chance to respond, Lance’s comms crackled to life. Kai’s voice greeted him, thick with distress and urgency.

_“Hey, moonlight. Don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, but six ships are flying in right now. They look pretty hostile.”_

Lance groaned. Of course.

* * *

“So, we meet again.”

“I personally think you staged this attack just to spend more time with me.” Lance told Pidge as she skipped over to them. Voltron was back. Apparently, Pidge intercepted some galran transmissions and heard about the attack coming. Coran had turned them back around to help.

“That’s how we show love,” Hunk told him flatly “By blowing each other up.”

Laughing, Lance turned to face his ship. Everyone was antsy, but the older ones hid it better. He had about a third of his normal resources at his disposal, but it should be more than enough to take down six ships, he was sure.

“Alright, everyone!” He shouted and instantly the room fell silent “Here is what I need from each of you. If you are a senior you are frontlines. If you are a junior you are helping the civilians. If you are a new recruit, you are guarding the ship.” He started with a subtle look towards Sonja. They both knew she would actually be the one guarding the ship. The Altean shot him a grin that would normally concern him, but for now he was just glad she was on his side. “Do _not_ leave your squad. Captains, you are responsible for making sure everyone on your team is accounted for. Voltron and I will be engaging directly so hopefully most of you won’t see any battle today. If you do, remember don’t do anything stupid. I will find you. Trust me, that is not a conversation you want to have with me. I can be incredibly annoying. Dismissed.” He called. An uneasy chuckle went across the room along with a few ‘yes commanders’.

“Alejandro, they’re almost here.” Kai said, walking up to them. His voice was tight, arms tensed as he looked at Voltron then at Lance. “There’s something you should know-” He started, but a loud bang took his attention away from him. It was starting.

Lance looked over at Sonja. She readied her weapon.

“Get Mion ready. We might need him to do his nerd thing.” Lance said. The ship shook and Lance loaded his gun. Right. Six ships. That wasn’t too bad. He glanced over at Kai and gave a small smile. They had faced worse. Kai didn’t smile back – he was staring at Lance with an expression he couldn’t read. For a second his form shifted red and Lance could only frown before he turned back into he usually looked.

“What-”

“I love you.” He said suddenly and Lance blinked. There wasn’t any shock from the words – he had heard them from Kai before. He had said it back, but never in front of other people generally. And never with such… Determination. As if he was afraid Lance wouldn’t believe him.

“I love you, too.” He answered and the ship shook again. Unable to think more on the matter he pocketed the strange interaction for later and turned to enter the battle.

As predicted, it wasn’t as terrible as Lance foresaw. They easily made their way through the first three ships without a problem. The two that landed with galras spilling out appeared to be more of an issue. Landing his own fighter ship, he joined in fighting most of them now. Between Libertas and Voltron they clearly had the upper hand.

Well. For a little while at least.

“ _Fuck_.” Someone hissed and Lance turned around and froze. His heart stopped as he registered the scene in front of him and for a second his mind lost all focus.

“Lance-” Someone else called to him urgently, but he ignored them, abandoning his current kill to reorient himself. “Lance, _no_!” The person called again. It might have been Hunk, but he wasn’t sure as he sprinted towards the remaining ship that was landing. The doors were opened so he could vaguely see inside, but Lance already knew. He knew.

Sendak.

What came next was a blur of raw emotion. He couldn’t remember anything – couldn’t even tell if he was breathing. All his focus was on Sendak. Anger flooded him – pushing adrenaline through his entire body as he pulled out his gun and aimed his first shot. The alien was a big enough target that even if Lance couldn’t kill him, he would at least injure him. Sendak staggered at the shot. He had moved when he saw Lance so it hit his arm instead of his chest. Lance aimed a second shot, but his lack of focus on anything but Sendak cost him. A galra knocked the weapon on his hands, throwing him to the ground. Cursing, Lance pulled out his sword, stabbing the assailant before rolling back up.

Sendak. Where was he? Where did he go?

His eyes spotted him again and launched into an attack. Part of him was tempted to take off his helmet – to see if Sendak recognized who he was up against – but refrained. He needed as much protection he could get and would have time for torment as the monster laid on the ground dying.

At some point most of the fight must have died around him or he tuned it out because the only sounds he heard were the clanging of metal and the grunts of Sendak as they fought.

“What is this?” the alien finally asked. He seemed amused by their fight. Lance’s blood boiled. “It seems someone has finally dared to offer me a challenge.” He breathed out “Most don’t last so long in a fight against me.” He chuckled lowly and bared his fangs. Lance didn’t dignify him with a response, launching again at him. He got knocked down. He rolled back up. He struck Sendak. The alien only gave a screech of enjoyment before launching himself back into the fight.

He was bleeding somewhere. He was bruised too. His arms hurt. His chest hurt. His legs were strained and head clouded with nothing but unrestrained violence. Still he pressed forward, ignoring everything around him as he struck again. And again. And again.

“ _Commander_!”

Lance was torn from his focus at the high-pitched scream. He turned to see Mion with a remote in their hand, bracing for a blow against another galra. Eyes widening, he located where his gun had fallen on the ground and dove for it. Sendak’s blow missed him and Lance resisted the urge to re-engage in the fight so he could level the gun at the galra’s head. Once Mion was safe he turned to aim it Sendak, but found himself thrown violently across the room. His head cracked hard against the wall, letting the room spin for a moment.

“Predictable,” Sendak sighed “Always willing to lose for someone else. You remind me of someone.” He purred “Have we met before?” He asked and Lance groaned. Sendak was too far to attack now and his gun had clattered to the floor. His head throbbed.

“NOW!” Allura’s voice yelled and Lance turned to see Mion lifting the remote. He had no idea what was happening, but panic overtook him for a moment. Before he could voice it a figure launched itself towards Sendak. “ _NO!”_ Allura screamed again. Lance’s vision blurred.

Kai. He could make him out just in time to see his sword pierce Sendak. Lance felt a flood of emotions overtake him. He rose – Kai might have dealt him a killing blow, but Lance could still enjoy the death. Before he could fully stand Mion’s finger paused above the button on the remote.

He realized what was about to happen a second before it did.

“Wait, NO!” He shouted and jolted forward. Something strong pulled him back, trapping him. “MION, DON’T!” He screamed, but their finger had already crashed down on the button. A yellow barrier rose from the floor, circling Kai and Sendak within in. It was clear enough that Lance could see through it. Desperately, he tried to free himself from the restraints that circled him, panic setting in.

“SHIRO! HELP!” Keith’s voice called from behind him and Lance realized it was him who was holding him back. He tried to throw him off as he saw Sendak crumble to the floor in shock. Kai gave a shuddering breath, looking around at the walls that trapped him.

“TAKE THEM DOWN!” Lance screamed “TAKE THEM – KAI LOOK OUT!” He begged, but there was nowhere for him to move in the yellow walls as Sendak’s arm reached out. With a final breath, Sendak’s lifted his arm and there was a loud crack as the shot went off.

Silence.

Sendak was on the ground. Dead.

Kai just as lifeless by his side.

Lance felt himself go limp. He registered vaguely that Shiro was in front of him saying…Something. That Keith’s arms were still around him, keeping him from falling. Their voices didn’t make words. It was like listening to someone talking under water. There was a ringing in his ears.

No. No, no, _no_.

What had happened? How… How could…?

His throat closed and all Lance could register was the inability to breathe. This was a mistake. There had to be a mistake. Allura had yelled out something. This was clearly part of the plan. Kai was fine. He was. He had to be. Mion wouldn’t press that button if he knew Kai would be trapped in there with Sendak. He wouldn’t. Kai wouldn’t purposely put himself in a yellow box with Sendak if he knew it was going to happen. He… He wouldn’t. He didn’t. It was… This… This wasn’t…

He felt faint. This wasn’t happening.

“-ance. Lance, please. Lance.” Shiro was shaking him, drawing him out his stupor. “Hey, look at me. Lance.” He said and he realized he was shaking. Giving a choking breath he tried to shove Keith’s hands off of him. The paladin let him go without another word. The yellow walls had disappeared so when Lance got up, ignoring Shiro completely, he was able to look down at the bodies as he moved closer.

It couldn’t be Kai. Not Kai.

After all of Lance’s dreams of standing over Sendak’s death… He couldn’t bring himself to look at his corpse. Not with Kai lying next to him. Lance fell to his knees.

“No.” He whispered. Maybe if he said the words out loud the universe would obey “It isn’t… He isn’t…” He murmured, voice sounding far and distant.

“What’s going – Oh my God.” Sonja’s voice came from somewhere behind him “Everyone get away from him!” She said sharply and Lance felt a hand on his arm. “Hey… Hey, Lance.” She said and put a palm on his face so he was forced to look at her. She was close. Close enough that he could see a sprinkling of freckles he had never noticed before, blended in with the darkness of her skin.

“I don’t…” He started, trying to reassure her. There were tears in her eyes, a few staining her cheeks. “He isn’t. He isn’t.” He told her, voice choking. He couldn’t be. He took a shuddering breath as his eyes flicked to the lifeless form in front of him. “Sonja… Sonja please tell me he isn’t.” He tried. He might have cried if he could process any of it.

Sonja pressed her lips together, swallowing hard as she looked at him, eyes fluttering closed for a moment before shaking her head.

“ _Sonja_ ,” He begged “Please. Please tell me-” He started, but she cut him off, taking her other hand so she could put one on each side of his face.

“I’m sorry,” She chanted “I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry.” She repeated “Lance, he’s gone. I’m sorry.” She told him and took a shuddering breath before repeating the words. Part of him wanted to rip away from her. Scream that she was a liar. To shake Kai up until his eyes fluttered open.

Instead he placed his head on her shoulder and sobbed.

He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that. Sonja’s arms around him as he cried helplessly into her neck while she whispered apologies with Kai’s body beside them. It felt like a long time.

“The council is calling.”

“The council can fuck off.” Sonja spat out at whoever came to get them.

“Sonja, the rest… They can’t see him like this.” The voice told him. He recognized them as one of Sonja’s co-pilots. He didn’t care enough to think of the name. The universe had gone numb. “Please, Sonja. He needs to go before things get worse.”

“Why?” Sonja growled “This attack wasn’t his fault-”

“That isn’t what this is about!” The person argued “They are worried about a mole. How else could the Galra know we were here?”

Or maybe they didn’t.

“Voltron.” Lance whispered, his voice choked. He lifted his head from Sonja’s shoulder, the reality of it crashing down on him. “They were here for Voltron. Not us.”

Voltron. Who he had brought into their alliance. Who he had welcomed out of sentiment.

His entire world was crumbling. Again.

Picking himself up he looked at Kai’s body. It was broken, red and slick. Blistered and burnt from Sendak’s shot. Practically unrecognizable. His last words to Lance echoed in his ears. _I love you_ … Had he known?

“ _Lance_.” Hunk’s voice brought him back to reality with a snap, the desperation resonating in the empty space around them. He turned to see Voltron had regrouped, currently standing near several of his recruits who were holding a galra at gunpoint. Hunk was looking at him with wide eyes and nervousness. “What are they doing?” he asked. The recruits ignored him, instead watching Lance patiently.

“What is this?” Sonja asked, standing up next to him. The galra flinched at the coldness of her voice, but didn’t respond. One of the recruits turned to Lance expectantly.

“We have a handful of survivors and surrenders from Sendak’s fleet,” They explained, tugging a bit at their sleeve. He was wounded, but someone must have tied a piece of cloth tightly around his arm to stop the bleeding “This one said he wanted to speak for them.” he added, nudging the galra with a gun.

Lance stepped towards them. He felt everyone’s eyes on him – holding their breaths. In the past, Lance had always been praised and criticized for how he handled these situations. Some of his most loyal soldiers game from the galran fleets they defeated. He had given quite a few to the Blade as well. Other times, he erased their memories and sent them someplace far away.

“It’s you.”

The galra’s voice was cracked and weak. He looked tired from the fight, but a bit of hope flittered across his face when he took in Lance. He gave the barest smile, shoulders slumping down a bit.

“I had heard rumors that Voltron’s ex-paladin was still alive…” He trailed off for a moment. When Lance only looked at him, he continued “I had heard about you disappearing after Sendak took your family.”

“Did you happen to hear why he killed them?” Lance asked, raising an eyebrow. His voice sounded different. Not his own. Dull. Dark. The galra blinked, but nodded slowly. It was an answer Lance had wanted for years, but now that it sat in his lap, he felt nothing.

“He remembered you from before – you were the one who saved the Altean from the bomb.” He said and shifted a little. He was bleeding too – dark, almost black, liquid running down the side of his face. He blinked a few times to reorient himself before speaking again “He… He watched you after that. When he came back, I mean. He said you were critical to break. That you were the heart of Voltron.”

How ironic. Voltron didn’t need a heart, he thought bitterly. The galra didn’t give him a chance to respond, still rambling.

“He thought if he broke you that it would break the team.”

Only it didn’t. Voltron stood strong for four years now. His family’s deaths hadn’t even played a real role in Sendak’s great and evil plan. They were worthless and needless. Like killing ants. Lance felt his skin prickle. He had been used as a pawn and none of it even made a difference.

“I understand. And now what? You’ve come to ask for mercy?” He tilted his head. Perhaps it was the coolness in his voice that tipped the galra off – or the blankness in his expression. But he flinched and took a shaky breath.

“I – I’ve heard that you accept repentance,” He started slowly “That you can offer those who do not wish to die with other options.” He said. Lance said nothing. Instead he turned to Sonja. She stared back at him and for a moment he thought she might argue with him. Instead she reached into her holster and handed him her pistol. The galra visibly paled, squawking at the sight of it. Victory or death indeed.

“Lance!” Allura’s voice gasped and he looked over. Voltron looked seconds away from interfering. He felt his face hardened. “What are you doing?”

“You said you came to assist us.” He told them coolly “Which means I am in charge of the survivors.”

“Lance,” Shiro spoke up “Maybe we should talk-”

“Please!” The galra interrupted, voice shaking a bit towards the end. “I had nothing to do with your family or this attack – I swear! I just followed orders to survive. They would have killed me if I didn’t!” He said and Lance considered this argument. He had heard it before and always been pretty sympathetic.

“It’s too bad,” Lance told him thoughtfully “Maybe then your death would have been honorable.” He said and placed the gun to his forehead. He saw his recruits stiffen at the action, but they didn’t move or speak. Sonja rose a warning hand towards Voltron. The galra stared at him, mouth agape and eyes glowing a bright yellow.

“But… But you can’t. You’re supposed to be…” He trailed off and Lance couldn’t help but scoff at that.

“To be what? The nice one? The heart of Voltron?” He recited back bitterly and clicked back the gun’s safety. “Give me back everything I’ve lost and I’ll be whatever you want.” He said and waited. The galra said nothing “That’s what I thought.” He muttered and pulled the trigger.

Nobody spoke. The body fell and Lance turned to the recruits. If they were shocked, they didn’t show it. He glanced at the injured one.

“Go to the infirmary and get that taken care of.” He nodded to him and turned to the other one “Kill the rest of them.” He told her. She nodded, ignoring Shiro’s call of protest.

Was he still proud? Lance rolled his eyes at the thought.

Vrepit sa to all of them.

He turned away. The council was waiting.

* * *

The plan had been to trap Sendak in the yellow prism Mion had set up as a trap, Lance learned. When Kai heard the plan he had raced to warn them Mion’s walls weren’t strong to hold Sendak. That he could blast the walls and it would trigger an explosion for the entire ship.

_“He said he needed to end it_ ,” Allura had whispered to him.

If Lance thought it couldn’t get any worse… He was wrong.

“We owe you a congratulations,” Marton greeted him “We hear Sendak is dead after all of your efforts.”

A few of Marton’s lackeys chuckled from their council chairs while the rest looked on with disapproval at the jab. The council’s chamber was a built in to every headquarter, ship, and base they had. They all looked relatively the same. A room made of complete steel with red draping thrown over the walls. Twelve seats lined up in a circle. Each seat varied in color depending on the council’s home planet. Lance himself was sat in the middle of it all, watching them with blank eyes. Marton kept speaking.

“It is rather impressive that only one of our own had died.” He continued, but before he could make another cutting remark, Lina lifted her hand to silence him.

“You have suffered,” She noted as if this fact wasn’t painfully obvious to the universe. “I am…I am sorry.”

She only said those words to him once before. Before he was commander. When he had first entered their headquarters and told the story of his family and his capture.

He didn’t respond to her then either.

“The council has had much discussion on how to address this situation.” Another councilmember spoke slowly. Lance waited. There was a heaviness in the air – like they were waiting for someone to bite the bullet and deliver the news. Marton seemed eager, but fierce glares silenced him.

“You have experienced extreme trauma,” One of them sighed “It is fitting that you take time to recover from such an ordeal. Especially given the nature of your relationship with your second.”

He wasn’t for sure what the Hell that was supposed to mean, but kept his mouth shut.

“We think you should spend some time away from Libertas while you recover. Sonja will take over you duties until you are able to return.” Lina finally said, pressing her fingers together. Lance tensed. He got the feeling he suddenly knew where this was going.

“And where do you propose I go?” He asked dangerously. Lina pinned him with a look. It was a silent warning to not be difficult, but given the circumstances he found himself unwilling to cooperate. Before she could answer, Marton spoke again.

“Well you worked so hard to get Voltron to be a part of this alliance. It seems like a shame not to use them.” He hummed. Lance’s skin prickled. No. Absolutely not. He turned to Lina, expecting her to reprimand him, but the alien remained silent.

“You’re joking.” He said flatly. “You don’t know Voltron – why would you trust them with me?” He demanded because for all their talk and some of their dislike for him, they were quite protective of those within their ranks. Marton’s smile widened.

“We trust _you_. And you vouched for them, did you not?” He asked. One of the other members clicked their tongue.

“By the summons, Marton. You are centuries old. Act like it.” They snipped. Lance swallowed. He waited for someone to offer him another option. Or to play it off as a joke. They did not.

“Kai’s body wasn’t officially identified- ” Lance tried, thinking back to the burnt body oozing with red liquid. Lina was already shaking his head “Maybe we missed something! Just let me look.” He added, desperation entering his voice.

“Commander, we have identified the body ourselves.” Someone told him, their tone full of regrets and unvoiced apologies. Lance swallowed before taking a shuddering breath.

“Maybe there’s a way-”

“To what?” Marton rolled his eyes “Raise the dead? Don’t be a fool.”

“I don’t know!” Lance found himself yelling “Just… Just let me figure something out! I can fix this! I can!” He told them, voice going strained “Let me stay here and I can get him back, I swear!” He added and the entire room went quiet. For a second he thought maybe he had convinced at least one of them, but exchange of tragic glances told him otherwise.

“Kai is dead, commander. That is something you will need to learn to accept. I am so very sorry for such a loss.” A councilmember told him and stared him down with empty eyes “You _will_ go with Voltron until we see fit to receive you again. We are confident given your history with them that you will be safe there.” They said. Lance opened his mouth to argue. To… Something, but was silenced by a wave of a hand.

“We have told the black paladin of this plan. He’s agreed to it.” Lina told him “Please pack so you can leave soon. We’ll check on your progress as time goes on to determine when you might be ready to return.”

And that was that.

* * *

 “If you don’t want to leave, you don’t have to.”

Sonja stood in the doorway. Her eyes were watching him carefully. Lance’s bags were tossed on the bed, clothes thrown lazily in. He paused when he came across Kai’s things, running a hand over them. The body hadn’t looked like him…. Perhaps there was still a chance….

“I won’t let them take you if you don’t want to go.” Sonja spoke again. She was keeping a fair distance from him, seemingly unwilling to bother him with proximity. Lance tore his gaze away from Kai’s favorite shirt before turning to her.

“You would defy every member of the council?” He asked her blandly. Her face told him she wasn’t bluffing. “No, Sonja. I’ll… I’ll go. It’s fine.” He muttered and put Kai’s shirt into his bag. The room seemed too empty. He thought back to the room he had stayed in at the Castle of Lions. Would Voltron’s new home be similar? Or was it vastly different? He never stayed long enough to see it to completion.

“If you need anything-”

“Call you.” Lance finished for her, slinging the bag over his shoulder “I know. Trust me. You’ll be alright as commander?” He asked. Sonja bit her lip, a bit of uncertainty wavering in her usual stoic gaze. “You’ll do great.” He tried weakly to reassure her. She would, he was sure. Nobody could boss people around like Sonja. “Lina will help you.”

“They don’t want me. They want you.”

“Well the council doesn’t want me.” Lance sighed “I’m going to miss you.” He admitted. Part of him expected her to laugh at him – mock him for the softness. She only stared at him for a moment before nodding.

“I’ll miss you too. Both of you.” She said quietly “I hope we get you back soon.”

She walked out with him to meet Voltron. A large white ship was parked beside their own ship – practically a replica of the palace he had stayed in during his time with Voltron. The paladins were standing out, waiting for him. Part of him wanted to turn around. He didn’t want to see them. Keith’s voice laughed in the back of his mind – pretending. That was all this was.

“Here,” Sonja told him when they were at the doors. Allura took a step towards him, but stopped at the look the other Altean gave her. “You should have one of your own.” She said handing him a small remote – not unlike the one he had given Shiro the day before. His mind flashed to Mion’s fingers above a different remote and his stomach rolled. He didn’t react though. Instead he tucked it safely in his pocket “If you change your mind and want to come back… I’ll get you. Fuck the council.” She grumbled and despite everything, Lance managed a weak smile.

“That’s not the attitude to go in with.” He told and she tilted her head fondly at him.

“I would rather act as your sister than Libertas’ commander.” She told and when he opened his mouth, raised a hand “I’ll take care of them. Don’t worry. I just… Might not play by the rules,” She shrugged “You know me. I do my own thing.” She smiled and Lance felt some tension leave him. He pulled her into a hug.

“Thank you.” He whispered and let her go. He pulled off the necklace he was wearing, the rock going dim as it left his chest and held it out to her. She froze, hands hovering near it for a moment before Lance shook his head and draped it over her. The gem relit – turning a bright orange against her.

“Why isn’t it blue?” She frowned, a bit indignant “Is it because it knows I’m only a temporary commander?” She frowned and Lance gave a weak huff of amusement.

“No, it’s supposed to match the color of your spirit or something.” He told her. This seemed to offend her even more so – he wasn’t sure what Alteans thought of orange, but she didn’t voice any complaints. He hugged her again.

There were a few beats of silence as she left, giving each member of Voltron a personal look of forewarning before stepping back into the darkness where a few members of Libertas stood out front. They saluted her and turned to where Lance was and saluted him.

“I didn’t see them do that before.” Allura commented and Lance turned away, starting to walk on a ship.

“We only do it at funerals.” He answered and all went quiet as he re-entered the clasps of Voltron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope nobody actually ended up liking any of the minor characters...cause most of them won't show up again for a long time. But yeah. Angst. Klance. That stuff will start to be more developed now! So I guess you can look forward to that.


	4. Thoughts and Prayers (Can't Bring Back What's No Longer There)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: still not mine
> 
> IMPORTANT WARNINGS:
> 
> Note: The depression/grieving process Lance displays here is based on experiences I am familiar with so this is not a blanketed definition or example that applies to everyone. ADDITIONALLY, Keith’s way of dealing with the situation is not necessarily a textbook demonstration of how to support a loved one through this stuff. Keith is simply a mess and doesn’t know how to handle emotions – but he’s trying his best so this is how he shows it. 
> 
> Note 2.0: There also references to self-harm/suicide in this chapter. It won’t be a super prominent theme throughout the entire fic, but thoughts/allusions about it do occur here

It had been three days since Lance had left the small room Voltron had given him.

He didn’t bother to leave his bed – completely abandoning any hygiene routine he had and completely uninterested in any bland food they served him. When he did get hungry, he tended to eat all of what Coran had brought to him and wanted more… The energy to actually get up and find more food usually never came though.

A few people had tried to talk to him, but he kept the doors firmly locked. Coran had the master key so he really had no choice with him. Besides, he brought the food and water.

If he wasn’t sleeping or staring at the ceiling he was crying. He couldn’t think clearly and every time he closed his eyes the same image of Kai getting shot replayed in his head on a loop. He screamed into his pillow.

When his family died, he still had a purpose. Even if he hated it. Now? Sendak was dead. Kai had taken that from him as well. For a few moments hatred would overwhelm him before evaporating as Lance buried his face in his boyfriend’s shirt. It smelled like him, but with how disgusting Lance was at the moment, he doubted it would stay that way.

On the fourth day Shiro followed Coran inside. He took one look at Lance immediately started his well-intentioned nagging. Ushering him towards the shower, to eat more, to brush his teeth, comb his hair, to _please just leave the room for a bit._

Lance stared at the wall until he eventually went away.

The fifth day, Hunk came with Coran. He brought more food, some of Lance’s old favorites, and told him stories of the adventures they had since he left. This got a small response. Lance didn’t remove himself from the bed, but he nibbled on what Hunk gave him, listening intently.

The sixth day was Pidge’s turn. He threatened to lock Coran out too if he kept bringing people with him, but the Altean seemed unrepentant as Pidge looked down at his repugnant state. She left for a moment and seconds later came back with a huge wolf by her side.

 _Keith’s wolf_ , he realized and strained to remember the name. Yorak? The thing was huge, but that didn’t stop him from taking one whiff of Lance and climbing into bed with him. At that point, Yorak became the only living thing allowed to enter and leave his room freely. He would bury himself in the soft fur, sometimes telling him stories of Kai or crying while the stupid wolf licked him.

By the time day ten rolled around it was Keith who came in. He didn’t come in with Coran – he instead knocked persistently and when Lance continued to ignore him, called Yorak. The wolf disappeared.

“If you want him back,” Keith called “You have to open the door.”

Lance scowled and rolled over. He went to sleep. When he woke up, Yorak still hadn’t returned. He stared up at the ceiling, cursing Keith for stealing away his only sense of comfort. Coran didn’t come by with food.

So they were going to starve him, then? Fine. Lance didn’t have the energy to care.

A few hours the door opened again. Lance rolled over, expecting to see Coran, but to his horror Keith stood there with the master keys in hand. He sighed, rolling his eyes and pulling up his comforter. His sheets definitely needed to be washed at this point, but Lance barely noticed.

“Out.” Keith told him “You have five seconds, Lance.”

“I’m supposed to be resting.” He told him and buried his face in the covers. He heard an exasperated sigh. There was a click and Lance felt a surge of triumph as the doors whooshed shut. He was beginning to doze off again when a sudden flash of cold came over him. He jolted up, spluttering as he registered water finding its way in his mouth and nose.

“If you won’t at least take a shower, this is the next best thing.” Keith told him bluntly, tossing the empty bucket to the side. “Should I get another?”

Lance stared. Part of him was enraged. Part of him wanted to just flop back on the soaked bed and sleep again. Keith must have read his mind, because he gripped his wrist tightly and pulled so Lance stumbled out of the bed.

He didn’t know much about psychology, but he was pretty sure you weren’t supposed to do this to someone who was grieving. Hunk and Pidge were much better at this then he was. He tried to tell him as much, but could only give an indignant yelp as Keith kicked him.

“ _What are you doing_?!” He yelled up, rubbing his injured side. Keith aimed another kick. “Keith, what the fuck?” he demanded. Where was Shiro? His creepy little sidekick had lost his _fucking mind_.

“Are you just going to sit there and take it?” Keith taunted and when he pulled his leg back again, Lance dodged. He grabbed the nearest thing he could find – an empty glass Coran had brought him yesterday - and threw it at him. Keith dodged it easily and it shattered against the wall behind. “Do you want me to leave?” Keith asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“YES! Get out!” Lance yelled, trying to find something else to throw.

“Then get in the fucking shower. You look like death. And change your clothes.” He snapped out, irritation flicking across his eyes. Lance stared at him, disbelief washing over him. “Well?”

“No! What is wrong with you?”

Keith shrugged.

“I can sit here and be nice about this-”

“I really don’t think you can.”

“-but here’s the truth: none of us can change what you’re feeling. Being nice to you won’t make this suck any less. I’m not going to tell you it will get better because I have no idea if that’s true. I’m not going to say you’ll get over it because you might not. I _can_ tell you that you smell like garbage and your room is a pig sty because _that_ is a solid fact.” He finished, crossing his arms.

Lance blinked. Once. Twice.

“Okay, but did you _have_ to kick me?” He demanded and Keith sighed, pointing to the bathroom. “A shower isn’t going to fix anything.”

“It won’t fix your life, but it will fix how filthy you are.”

“You are honestly the worst at this.” Lance spat at him. He looked warily at his bed. It was probably dry enough to roll back in, right? The droplets rolling on the floor said otherwise, but Lance was still tempted to try.

“Lance, I swear to God I will drag you in there myself-”

“Fine!” He exploded and stood up. He almost fell over as his body ached at the sudden movement. “If I wanted your help, I would have asked for it.” He spit as he walked by. Keith shook his head.

“You never would have asked.” He said and Lance slammed the bathroom door with more force than necessary.

Admittedly, the shower did help clear his mind. After scrubbing every inch of himself raw he let the hot water scald him for a good hour. He half-expected someone to come knocking again, but thankfully he was left alone. He walked out to find new clothes laid out, room cleaned, and sheets changed. He wasn’t sure if this was still Keith’s work or if Coran had taken advantage of him leaving the room. Sighing, he fell back on the clean covers.

Yorak popped back in and curled up next to him.

* * *

Lance thought it was blood at first.

Blood slipping through his fingers and into the ground, swirling and gathering form. The texture was wrong though. The color too bright and slick. It was only when it laughed, moving up his arm did he realize.

He fought it off, screaming and begging. It went down his throat and into his ears, eyes, nose. Suffocating him as he desperately tried to claw it off. The aliens only cackled more, pulling away to make a more definitive shape. They loomed over him with their weapons in hand. A knife to cut. Fire to burn. Water to drown. Lance tried to escape their grasps, but it was no use. He could only sob uselessly as he tried to free himself.

“Hush, hush.” They crooned, but it was a taunt. He knew they loved how his voice cracked. How he screamed. “We are only just starting.”

They pried themselves into his mind and Lance wanted nothing more than to die.

When he woke, gasping and clutching at his throat he turned to grab beside him. Instead of cool flesh, his hand touched fur. Her jerked back, eyes widening before realizing it was Yorak beside him. The wolf’s head was snapped up, watching him through intelligent eyes. Lance wondered if he knew. If he could feel everything Lance felt.

He couldn’t fall back to sleep.

* * *

The next day Keith came back, this time armed with an air horn.

Where he had gotten an air horn? Lance wasn’t sure. Still, he was a stubborn guy and wasn’t about to let Keith’s vindictiveness win. After an hour of listening to the damn thing and screams from Pidge to please stop, Keith seemed to finally give up.

Keith had always been stubborn too.

“Fine. You know what? Fuck you.” Lance muttered, after the paladin had literally dragged him out of bed and halfway down the hall. He got up to walk back to his bedroom, but Keith grabbed his collar and yanked him away.

“We are _just_ going that way.” He told him, pulling him towards a large window. Lance didn’t really want to look out at the stars, but it was better than getting harassed for the rest of his stay. The place was already prepared with food and blankets… And Yorak of course. Lance smiled a bit at the wolf, instantly falling to his knees to greet him.

“Hello,” He said lightly and kissed his head. Keith wordlessly sat next to him, offering some food goo. “Are you going to slam it in my face if I say no?” Lance asked resentfully. Keith rose an eyebrow as a silent answer. Just to spite him, Lance took the plate and fed it to Yorak.

“We have Earth music.” Keith told him, ignoring Yorak licking the plate. He held up a familiar rectangle Lance knew well. “I downloaded nearly everything on here last time I went back to Earth. I couldn’t take anymore Altean music.” He shuddered and Lance had to give a slight nod at that. Altean music sounded kind of like dying during sex. Allura hadn’t been pleased by the comparison.

“Not really a country fan,” He said, stroking Yorak’s ears. Why was he named _Yorak_ , anyways? What an awful name. Keith stared at him. “Oh, sorry. Are you more of an emo kid?” He threw back.

“I said _everything_ , you – Nevermind.” He muttered and flicked through the screen “What do you like? I have some Spanish songs on here.”

“ _Despacito_ , doesn’t count.” Lance grumbled. Keith seemed to give up on letting him have an opinion and pressed a random song. Instantly some uppity tune that Lance vaguely recognized from the last time he visited Earth filled the room. Keith paused for a second, perhaps debating on changing it, but only shrugged and tossed the phone to the side.

“I’m sorry I’ve been an ass.” Keith told him and Lance paused in running a hand through Yorak’s fur. He let his eyes flick over him. “With… Everything. About you leaving and about, well. I _am_ trying to help.” He gestured up and down at Lance. He was completely inarticulate, but Lance was able to decipher it anyways. “Do you want to talk?” He asked “Or I can. Or neither of us can.”

Had Keith always been so awkward? It was almost a little amusing seeing him stumble. His hands were clasped together, wringing themselves a bit nervously. It occurred to Lance he was so out of his depth here. Keith had never been someone to go to with comforting. That had always been Shiro or (mainly) Lance’s roll.

He wondered why Keith had taken up this challenge. He could have easily sent the black paladin after him. Or even Hunk. Maybe Allura, though Lance felt positive that she was the last person in the world he wanted to see at the moment. She must have sensed this too since she was the only one of the ship who hadn’t visited him. He felt kind of guilty over it, but never gave it much thought among the emptiness that sat in his chest.

“You talk.” Lance said. It was probably cruel. Keith blinked at him and nodded, but his eyes widened a bit with panic. He had no idea what to say – Lance knew he wouldn’t. Still, he didn’t offer a topic for him to cling onto. He just waited, silently telling himself off for being difficult.

“I’ve been learning weird galran things I can do.” Keith finally burst out. Lance pulled his attention away from Yorak for a moment at that. “Krolia has been teaching me.” He continued when he saw he had Lance’s attention. “Apparently galras have a good sense of smell. But it’s… Different to a human’s sense of smell.” He rambled. Eventually after he got passed the first couple sentences he managed to string more coherent words together. Lance listened, nibbling on some food and letting his mind drift over the stars as Keith rambled on. He was fairly positive he had never heard him talk this much in his life. Keith must have found the entire ordeal exhausting because when he finally finished he fell back on a pile of blankets and stared at the ceiling. Lance snorted.

“How’s Romelle?” He asked, thinking of the Altean he had met all those years ago. He hadn’t heard a word about her from anyone. Keith’s eyes flicked to him. He looked like he couldn’t stand to speak another word, but did anyways.

“She’s in charge of that Altean colony Lotor made. Obviously, Allura is the princess… Well. Technically she’s a queen now. But anyways, she put Romelle in charge. She’s good at it.” He mused and propped himself back on his elbows “Didn’t you say your pilot was from that colony?”

“Sonja. Yeah.” He nodded, eyes tracing over a constellation. It wasn’t an Earth one, but one he had learned from one the aliens in Voltron’s coalition years ago. “She was picked to be drained of her quintessence. She hijacked a pod and escaped. Back then she sucked at piloting though so she crash-landed on a planet. Lotor came by and she hid until he declared her dead. She stayed on that planet until we found her.” He told him, thinking to when he first met Sonja. Starving. Scared. Injured. Angry. It was so familiar to him that when Libertas went to move out he had refused to leave her.

 _“Her quintessence could do wonders for us-”_ Marton had said and Lance had lost his cool immediately. Not yet commander, he had no real restraint and cursed and screamed as Kai dragged him away. He had watched over Sonja mercilessly at that point, refusing to let anyone but Kai near her until he was sure they wouldn’t suck her dry.

“Does she have family there?” Keith asked. Lance pursed his lips. He wasn’t sure. His lack of answer seemed enough for Keith who hummed and stared back out the window with him.

Lance eventually fell asleep there. When he woke up, Keith and Yorak were still exactly where he left them, both dozing off themselves. Lance took advantage of the situation and left. For the first time since he entered the new ship, he had the energy to do more than lay in bed.

He explored the new castle – cataloguing the similarities and differences to the last one. He hid when he heard voices and searched out isolated areas and mapped them all out in his mind.

“So Keith did get you out of bed.”

Jumping, he spun around, hand going to where his weapons would usually be. Nothing was there, but he still readied himself for an attack until the voice registered.

Allura.

Straightening himself up he glanced the Altean up and down warily. She looked like she had just finished training, hair mused and face flecked with sweat. The markings under her eyes glowed slightly and her eyes regarded him with trepidation.

God, she was beautiful.

Lance felt resentment crawl in his throat as he thought the words. Disgusting. His boyfriend just died and _that_ came to his mind? He shook his head clear of the thought and turned away from her. He didn’t want to be reminded of old feelings for her. He didn’t want to risk stirring anything else back up. He would hate himself even more if they did.

“Lance,” She called, her accent making the a in his name sound more like an o. “Please… Please let me explain.” She told him and he turned back to see her taking a tentative step forward. “I know how you must hate me.” She started and she looked away for a moment before forcing herself to look at his face. “I am so sorry.”

“Sorry?” Lance frowned at her. She took another step towards him. A waft of her scent came over him – sweet flowers and honey. He took a step back.

“About… I was the one who carried out the plan against Sendak. I should have known he would have been too strong to be contained. I shouldn’t have let Mion be in charge of the-”

Oh.

Lance tuned out the rest of her stuttering explanation as heaviness settled over his chest. Right.

“Allura,” He interrupted and she froze. She looked at him with impossibly large eyes – like a doe that could probably murder him. “It isn’t your fault.”

It was his. All of his mistakes. If he had just done _one_ thing right, Kai would be by his side. He turned away from her, feeling his previous energy zap. He was done exploring for the day.

When he entered his room, Keith was already there. Bitterness wormed its way into his stomach. Still, he didn’t have the willpower to care and just fell on his bed, ignoring the chair the paladin was sat in. Keith didn’t say anything. He just sat there, reading whatever book he brought with him.

“Aren’t you going to sleep?” Lance asked him a few hours later.

“I slept earlier,” He dismissed and Lance wondered if he was referring to the nap he had taken by the window. Surely he didn’t think that counted?

“I don’t want to blow your mind, but it is kind of a recurring thing you have to do.” Lance told him dryly, letting his arm hang over the side of the bed. Keith had needled him into changing his clothes again so he was in Kai’s shirt and sweatpants.

“I feel like you can’t be lecturing-” Keith started, but his voice died after a moment. Lance frowned. He was staring at Lance as if he had suddenly just seen him for the first time. For a second he wondered if he was going to be forced in the shower again, but then he realized where Keith’s eyes were. He snatched his arm back, tucking it against his chest. He had forgotten he was wearing short sleeves.

They sat in awkward silence, the unasked question hanging in the air.

“You’re not going to tell me.” Keith finally said and Lance stared at him.

“It is pretty self-explanatory.” He answered. The lines on his arm hadn’t been made by someone else. They sat white and bold from just underneath each of his palms vertically to his biceps. It was very clear what happened. “I told you when I disappeared from the rebellion I hadn’t gone to Libertas.”

“That council guy mentioned a prison.”

Lance went quiet for a moment.

“I used to think I died there.” He admitted with his eyes fixed directly in front of him, “Or that Libertas finding me was just a hallucination and one day I would wake up and find myself in that cell again.” He told him and his fingers drifted to the marks on his arm. There were other scars he hid. One his back. His chest. His heart.

“We intercepted a dozen galran transmissions while we were looking for you.” Keith frowned at him, tapping the arm of his chair “How could we have…” He trailed off, but Lance was able to read between the lines. How could they have missed that a paladin of Voltron was captured by the galra? He picked at his sheets.

“It wasn’t the galra.”

“What?”

Lance looked up at him and memories of red, slick bodies came to his mind. The screaming. The begging. And among that a sense of longing that Lance had long forgotten to feel. He gazed down thoughtfully at his arms for a moment.

“There are other species in the universe who can cause harm.” He said “The galras who were on the ship with me that day…. They met similar fates as me. I heard most didn’t survive very long.” He frowned. At the time he had felt sorry – but now he wondered if they were the lucky ones.

Keith looked as though he had been hit.

“We… We were so sure it was galra…” He breathed out “We never considered…” He trailed off and an unvoiced apology hung on his lips. Lance felt his heart quicken. He didn’t want to think about this anymore.

“It’s fine,” He answered “I don’t think I would have wanted you to find me like that, anyways.” He mused. What would he have done if Keith and the others came to the rescue? The thought was almost funny looking back on it “I wish I had died there.” He admitted in a low whisper.

Keith didn’t answer.

* * *

Things didn’t get that much easier. Still, he was a good pretender as Keith pointed out all those days ago. He went through the various motions. Shower. Train. Eat. Sleep. Occasionally he would talk to various members of the team to show them he was improving, but other days he couldn’t be bothered to even turn on the lights.

Sonja would occasionally call and he would paste on a weak smile until she left. Keith remained obstinately by his side despite Lance’s various attempts to rid himself of him. He didn’t understand why Keith insisted. He had given up on asking.

Instead he focused on his newest crisis.

Sendak was dead.

He was dead and Lance had never felt so pointless in his entire life. His vengeance had been stolen from him. His family’s deaths came back to haunt him in the nights. Their faces swimming in blood as he drowned between them. Sometimes he would stare at the marks on his arms and wonder… If he couldn’t seek retribution from Sendak he could from himself. It would only be a few more marks. He doubted anyone would even notice.

A few times he almost tried, but Yorak would growl warningly when his hands came near something sharp. Lance knew the snitch would go to Keith. Still, there were other ways to deal with pain. Training being one of them.

“Why!?” He screamed one night as lashed out in the training room. The droids were scattered around him, leaving him on his knees screaming at the ceiling. He had never been religious, but it seemed so many planets had deities and higher forces. One of them had to be listening. “What do you want from me?” He yelled and pounded into one of the droids until his knuckles were slick with blood and the pieces of it were so shattered that there was no chance of repair.

He had stayed like that for hours. Sobbing on the floor and praying to every god he knew. Please, bring them back. Please, bring him back. Please, let me see their faces. Please, let me hear his laugh. Please, give me a second chance. I’ll do it right this time. I swear.

No one ever answered.

Lance knew he changed after his family died. He had never really given himself much of a chance to reflect upon it. It seemed like an obvious thing to him. Anything good in him had died as they had that day. Then Kai came along and while those good parts didn’t come back, he dug out new bits of him.

Now that was gone too.

“Drink.”

Hazily, he looked up to see Keith standing above him, water in hand. He blinked slowly. How long had he been here? The blood on his hands was dry now. Keith sat next to him on the floor, bringing out a first-aid kit he hadn’t noticed and held out his hand.

“Did you visit their graves?”

Keith stilled. He has been dousing a cloth in antiseptic, gently pulling on Lance’s hand to wrap it over him. His mind swam with memories of days when the roles were reversed. After they had gotten into a stupid fight and Lance felt guilty enough to offer his services as an apology for making Keith lose his temper.

“I did.” He said, needing no other context “They were all buried next to one another. I was at the funerals too. It was nice.” He said and pushed the water towards him again. Lance left it at that. He had imagined what his family’s funerals had been like many times. Part of him regretted not staying for it. Part of him knew it was just a useless excuse to find closure. He hadn’t wanted closure. He had wanted revenge.

Now he had neither.

“Can I ask a favor?”

He was going to regret this. He knew he would. Still, he thought to the nightmares. To the panic attacks when he was alone in his room and the intrusive thoughts as he trained. Keith narrowed his gaze a little as he wrapped his hand. Perhaps he knew where this was going.

“I… Don’t want the others to know. And I don’t want you to think you have to do it.” He added because Keith had submitted to him a sort of weird way and the last thing Lance wanted was to take advantage of that. “In fact, I need you to swear that you’ll be honest with me if you don’t want to.”

“I swear.” Keith told him easily and a small smile touched his lips “Don’t give yourself so much credit. You can make me mad, but you’ve never made me do anything I don’t want to.” He said. Some tension left him at that.

He nodded and took a small sip of water to delay his proposal. Keith’s hands were steady, fingers lacing over the bandages with practice hands. Lance couldn’t tell if he was nervous by what words would come next.

“I’m also assuming here,” He added because, well, he _was_ assuming. He had assumed this for a while now. “But… Uh, what type of people have you slept with?”

Keith’s hands stopped.

“ _Type_?” He asked incredulously “You mean gender.” He added, watching Lance’s face carefully. “Are you about to ask me to sleep with you?”

“I need a distraction.” Lance sighed before he could get a firm ‘no’. “Training isn’t helping, obviously.” He gestured to the mutilated droids surrounding them “I can’t focus on…Anything. Nightmares are messing with me, I’m tired – but not the kind of tired that makes you sleep. I just need… Something.” He said, frustration leaking into his tone. “I can’t _take_ it anymore.”

“So you picked me?”

Lance had hoped to avoid this question. Keith wasn’t the kind of person to miss something like that though. He thrummed his newly bandaged fingers against the floor. Keith’s hands had left his now, folded on his lap. They gave away nothing.

“I feel like anyone else I ask would freak out.” He admitted. It was a half-truth anyways. Keith didn’t look like he bought it completely, but gave a hum of acceptance anyways. His lips pressed together in a firm line as he regarded Lance with a blank expression.

“Are you sure?”

Huh. Lance hadn’t expected to get this far, quite frankly.

“Well… There are some things I don’t want to do.” He confessed, “Don’t kiss me and I get to keep the shirt on.” He added, tugging at his collar. If Keith found these requests at all strange, he didn’t show it. He instead was pulling at a piece of string on his pants. The first sign of uncertainty Lance could find.

“And you would tell me if you changed your mind?”

Lance was definitely going to regret this. He nodded.

“Alright then. When do you want to start?”

* * *

 Back in the day, Lance could potentially be defined as a slut.

He never minded it – for guys it was sort of like a badge of honor back on Earth. He had slept his way through a good chunk of girls during meaningless one-night stands and drunken activities that his sixteen-year-old self _definitely_ should not have been engaged in. Then space came and he was slowed down a little bit – but not completely. Alien girls simply went on his radar until he discovered there was only _one_ alien girl he really wanted to be with.

But boys? He had only slept with one.

So he wasn’t entirely sure what would be the same or different. Or if Keith even _liked_ what he had come to expect his partner to like. Or positions or… Any of that.

To sum it up – this plan wasn’t well thought out and Lance got the feeling things were going to be super awkward between them.

Perhaps Keith seemed to sense this or maybe he had similar thoughts because the guy became a chatterbox. Kai had always been pretty quiet – Lance figured he knew what he was doing and just sort of let him do it – but Keith _did not shut up_.

Which was not something he _ever_ thought would happen with Keith Kogane.

It wasn’t necessarily a…bad thing. As it turned out, Keith was a lot rougher than he was used to, which meant communication was probably important for the paladin. Lance was kind of surprised to discover he found the pain of it the most enjoyable part – even if Keith had been cautious in not hurting him.

It started out as a once a week thing… But after one week, Lance quickly decided they needed to up the count. They had a pretty good system going. If Lance was antsy he just sorta tugged Keith’s sleeve and off they went. He had double-checked a million times to see if the other paladin had changed his mind, but the guy was pretty obstinate. Either that or he was enjoying himself too and didn’t want to admit it.

Lance had worked pretty hard to make the situation pleasant for both of them so he wouldn’t _mind_ if he admitted he was having fun. Besides, Lance liked to think he was pretty skilled at this sort of thing.

Unfortunately, sex didn’t eliminate all of his problems. Nightmares (while happening less often) still appeared.

“Whoa, Lance.” Keith grabbed him as he jolted up one night. Screams were still ringing in his ears as he felt the red liquid worming its way down his throat, laughing at him as it took the forms of his family. His mother, his sister, his brothers – all cackling as they played their roles. Dying in front of him. Begging for safety. Letting Lance struggle to get to them until they morphed into something else. “Lance?” Keith called again and Lance flinched away.

Sometimes they took Keith’s form too. He pushed himself out of the bed, but a hand wrapped around his forearm. The touch seemed to burn so he ripped it free, throwing Keith a warning look. He sighed, but held up his hands to prove he meant no harm.

“I’m… I’m just going to take a walk.” He said, not wanting to admit to himself that curling up against Keith sounded super appealing. He tried not to notice how much Keith also seemed to demand his attention by just sitting there. His eyes large and softer than Lance ever remembered them being. Theoretically speaking, Lance always knew Keith was attractive. Now it was just harder for him to ignore.

He avoided everyone when he was like this, seeking comfort in old friends instead.

“Don’t tell Keith I’m here,” He whispered to Red. Their bond was weak now, but he discovered the more time he spent with the two lions he had piloted the more they responded. It was like clearing out an overgrown path. He wondered if Allura and Keith could tell.

Red purred, her presence silencing the thoughts that were pressing too loudly in his mind. He sat in the cockpit. He had tried to pilot her once, just to see if he still could. The response had been a warning growl and slight shock when he touched the control. He wasn’t sure if it was loyalty or concern that caused the reaction.

Sometimes he asked for confirmation. He would press both Blue and Red to show him the bodies. The graves. They were omniscient to these things – he knew they could. Only once did Blue finally give in and show him Kai’s body wrapped and burned, a few beads of red dripping off of him. He had stormed away, hissing at her in a rage that she was lying to him. He came back later and asked to see it again.

When Voltron battled on other planets, Lance found himself wandering out a bit more. He would find locals during celebrations, always hiding his face, and asking what they knew of death. He had done this during his earlier missions in the Rebellion as well. He knew there were some species out there that could communicate with their dead, who had no such concept as death in some cases. Despite all his research and bargaining, none ever seemed able to help him.

It was three months into his stay that his newfound life began to change again.

“I don’t know…” Shiro frowned as Lance loaded his gun and fixed him with an exasperated look. The paladin rose an eyebrow back at him, not backing down. “I’m just concerned, Lance.”

“You sound like Keith.” He informed him sourly. The bickering with the red paladin had increased the past couple weeks – mainly over stupid stuff. Lance couldn’t decide if he enjoyed it or hated it. Shiro sighed, possibly reliving their most recent argument, which ended with Lance screaming he would take scissors to his hair and Keith almost shaving off his hair to prove a point. “I’m an adult. You can’t control these decisions.” He added, putting his gun to his side before checking the next one.

“I definitely have control over whether you join us on a mission.” Shiro told him, crossing his arms “Libertas has no business with the Sions, correct?”

“Well… Not really-”

“Then logically, you have jurisdiction here.” Shiro argued, “Therefore you coming along is entirely up to me.”

“Jurisdiction.” Lance muttered back, spitefully “What did you learn that on your crossword puzzle this morning?” He asked, strapping the second gun to his back. Shiro fixed him with a look and he sighed. “You’re right. I know. But I’m useful – you could always use an extra pair of hands on the ground.” He pointed out “And I can handle-”

“The last time I saw you in battle you murdered one of the survivors.”

Ah. So that was the issue. Lance rose his eyebrows in fake surprise.

“A survivor of the _galra_ who had sided with _Sendak_.” He told him “Even if I let him – and the rest of them – live it would have taken months to sort it all.”

“So their life wasn’t worth your inconvenience?”

“Not everyone can be noble all the time, Shiro.” Lance frowned. His sword was still on the table beside him, but he abandoned it to cross his arms and face the paladin properly. “I get that it was a controversial move, but it’s war.”

“It worries me that it’s been months and you still feel that way.”

“I don’t see what this has to do with me joining _this_ mission.” Lance told him with frustration “You would be taking the lead so I won’t be killing anyone without your permission – which we both know you won’t give.” He rolled his eyes. It probably didn’t help his case, but at this point, he was past caring. If Shiro wanted to bench him then Lance could always just sneak out into the game. He was tired of being cooped up in this damn castle. “I’m not a prisoner.” He added for the sake of trying to put things in perspective.

Shiro shifted at that, his lips pursing. He looked Lance up and down.

“I want you next to Keith the entire time.”

God damnit.

Lance opened his mouth to argue, but knew this part would probably be unavoidable. Shiro very rarely budged on these things. Forcing himself to nod, he turned back to the table and tucked away the sword so it sat on his hip. He didn’t need a babysitter. Then again, it seemed nobody else thought this. The counsel called yesterday – he had ben positive he would be allowed back, but after two minutes they declared him unfit and hung up.

“How many hostages are there?” He asked, stomping up to Keith on the bridge. The paladin looked over him, brows coming together “Shiro said I can join as long as I’m with you.” He explained with a long intake of breath. Keith’s jaw clenched and he put down his bayard. “Don’t start with me. I know you don’t think I should be coming.”

“You’re unstable-”

“I swear to God, Kogane.” Lance spun to him “ _You_ want to talk to _me_ about unstable?” He demanded, eyes hot and ready to fight back. As usual, Keith never showed an inclination he was intimidated by Lance’s flurry of anger. “I can handle anything you give me. Hell, I can handle _twice_ of what you can.” He challenged. Keith’s expression faltered. It flickered through various emotions, rolling over from pained to confused to hopeful within the span of a few ticks before settling on cautious. It took Lance a few seconds to realize why.

“Shut up.” He told him and turned to the monitor. Keith let out what might have been a laugh at that.

“I didn’t say anything.” He said, voice softening a bit. Lance didn’t bother to reply.

It was easy to slip back into old habits with Keith. To compete and tease and nag. It was all too simple to get caught up in his surroundings that he forgot he wasn’t seventeen anymore. Keith seemed to fall victim to it as well. It was the reason they kept growling and snapping at one another.

“Four hostages.” Keith finally told him “Here – let me show the map.” He said and brought up a hologrammed image of the planet they were heading towards “You and I will start here…”

* * *

 If Keith or Shiro said ‘I told you so’ after this, Lance will actually lose his mind.

Cursing to himself a bit, he took down another sentry before spinning around re-locating where he put two of the hostages. They were looking at him with wide, terrified eyes. He figured that would be the case – he just slaughtered through a good thirty men in front of them. Shiro was going to be so pissed.

“Come on,” He told them, trying to keep his voice level and reassuring “We have to hurry.”

The first hostage, a bright blue alien with scales, nodded faintly and stepped forward. The second one, who Lance was assuming a younger sibling of some sort, followed closely while clutching at their hand. Lance led them through the labyrinth of traps he had Keith had discovered on their way in. The red paladin was currently with the other two hostages and God knows where everyone else was. He had turned off his comms thirty minutes ago.

“Alright,” He said, holding up a hand to scan the castle’s entrance. He flicked back on his comms. Voices crackled to life in a panicked flurry. “Hey guys, is the castle safe to put the hostages on?” He asked calmly and the line went silent for a moment. He heard Hunk give a groan of exasperation as Shiro began to seethe.

“Where. Have. You. Been?”

“I got distracted. Am I good to drop off the hostages?” He asked, glancing back at them huddled by his side. Shiro gave a terse and short confirmation before Lance quickly ushered them inside to where Coran was waiting. He looked over his shoulder to where he had seen an information center…

“Where are you going?” Coran asked him, grabbing his elbow as he turned away. Galran information centers were the sort of thing Pidge had always hacked to get information on her family. If he had a few chips from them he could probably get them intel to last a full year.

“I’ll be right back.” He promised, but Shiro’s voice crackled back over the comms with a sharp and gritted promise of his full wrath later.

“Lance. Get back on the ship.” He warned. Lance was a little tempted to tell him he wasn’t Slav, but figured his joke wouldn’t go over well. Instead, he flicked the comms back off and brightly informed Coran that Shiro had ordered him to retrieve a vital piece of information. The Altean didn’t look entirely convinced, but let him go back into to the fire.

He tried to tell himself that even if Keith and him hadn’t gotten separated within the first ten minutes of the mission this would have happened. He hadn’t meant to turn off the comms at first. They were just so…Distracting. Keith’s own transmission gave out and everyone panicked until he came back on. By that point, Lance had already found the two hostages and decided to just complete his part by himself. Really, he didn’t think he did anything too terribly wrong.

He stepped over one of the bodies he shot earlier and frowned. Well. Maybe he went a little overboard there. He couldn’t find it within himself to feel much regret as he brought out his spare knife and started stabbing at the control center. With a little effort the first of the chips loosened and he was able to put the first one in his pocket. He was halfway through the second one when he heard a click behind him.

“What are you?” A voice said and Lance turned to see a galra standing behind him with a blaster pointed at his head. He pressed the side button of his helmet, letting them get a glimpse of his face. “A human… Are you with Voltron?” They asked because aside from Matt Holt all the humans in space were pretty much associated with the robotic weapon in some way.

“It doesn’t matter what I am. Leave and you can live.” He said simply and stabbed his knife back into the information center.

“I have a gun to you... So don’t act like you have the upper hand.” The galra growled back. Lance sighed.

“You are standing in a pile of bodies that I created and you want to act like I’m the one who is in danger?” He asked, finally getting the second chip out. He shoved it into his pocket. The galra’s eyes flickered to the corpses around them before turning its gaze back on Lance.

“You did this?” They asked and Lance straightened. They seemed young, this galra. Lance could see a slight tremor in their hands that caused the gun to shake. He said nothing. “I don’t believe you.”

“Then who killed them?” Lance asked, tilting his head a bit to the side. Part of him kind of enjoyed the uncertainty in their face. “But then again, what do I care if you believe me? If you don’t get moving you’ll join them soon enough.” He warned. The gun was still aimed at his head, but Lance knew it would be easy enough to dodge with such a shaky hold on the thing. He smiled politely, waiting for them to make their decision. There was a bit of thrill from it all. The adrenaline as he looked down the barrel of the gun, heart pounding at leaving these next few moments up to fate. One of them was probably about to die. The thought made his skin prickle.

He lowered his gun. Lance rose an eyebrow.

“Run.” He suggested and the kid didn’t need to be told twice. He was off, sprinting over the bodies of his dead comrades before disappearing inside some rubble. Lance had the slightest urge to level his own gun at the retreating back, but shook it away. It was a needless death and he had already killed too much today. Picking up his weapon, he marched back up to the ship.

As soon as the doors whooshed shut behind him he was surrounded.

“I got information chips!” He told them brightly, pulling out the two pieces of metal and offering them to Pidge. They glowed an eerie purple and Lance could see Pidge’s eyes widen a bit at the sight of them. She reached out, but paused, eyes flickering to Shiro warily.

“Come with me.” The paladin told him, voice strained and taut. Lance turned his eyes to where Keith was standing and found him watching Lance with an unreadable expression. He tilted his head questioningly, but the red paladin turned away from him. He looked at Hunk who was staring at the ground.

Ah. He had scared them.

Once, he might have been hyper-vigilant to that fact. He wasn’t the kind of person who liked to rile fear in the people he loved. Now the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. He wondered what that meant.

“You’re angry.” He guessed as Shiro led him away from the others. The paladin turned to study him.

“I’m worried. We already lost you once. What you did was unnecessary and completely reckless. If you want to work with us you need to actually _work with us_.” He said. He reached out, perhaps to touch him, but thought better of it. Lance pressed his lips together.

“Duly, noted.” He said and Shiro closed his eyes.

“Lance-”

“I got it, Shiro.” He interrupted him “No going off-script. Keep in contact with you guys. I understand.” He said, trying to keep his voice light and earnest. “I’ll apologize to Keith too. When we got separated I should have done a better job letting him know I was okay when he came on the transmission.” He said. That _did_ give him a little guilt. “And, uh. Everyone else. For worrying them.” He added. Hunk would, of course, hug him and accept an apology. Allura would watch with careful eyes before nodding. Pidge might scowl and shrug at it, but he was sure he could get her on his side with a bit of needling.

Shiro didn’t look impressed. He was stared at him for a long time before his body seemed to slump in defeat.

“You should get cleaned up.” He finally said, “You’re covered in blood.”

Lance looked down. He hadn’t noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapter titles aren't typically inspired by songs but Thoughts and Prayers by Grandson kinda fit here. If you're in the mood to have your skin prickled/be absolutely shook give that song a listen.
> 
> Also, I feel like the real angst here for my boy Keith. Imagine your crush coming to you for grieving sex over an ex-boyfriend. My deepest apologies for that.
> 
> LASTLY, thanks to everyone who has commented/sent some kudos my way (: Honestly, I get super excited to write more every time I see them. I'm going to try and find time to respond to people soon - I love hearing your thoughts.


	5. Blast from the Past (and other plot twists you might have expected)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter guys.... I'm curious if any of you figured it out. I didn't leave too many hints, but there were a few. 
> 
> Warning: torture
> 
> Disclaimer: not mine

When a distress signal came in, Lance got to join in the meeting despite the disaster that happened on the last mission. He had been trying his best to insert himself back into everyone’s life to keep some of the nagging at bay. Nobody ever seemed fooled. Shiro still treated him like glass and Hunk still babied him. It drove him insane. It made the rougher nights with Keith all the more of a relief.

“I’ve been trying to pinpoint exactly where the location of the signal came from,” Pidge was saying, pushing up her glasses as she continued to type, not bothering to look up from her screen “The problem is it seems to be rerouting over and over again so I’m having some issues. I managed to decode it enough to figure out _who_ sent it.” She shrugged and Coran flicked the screen to show them what Pidge was talking about.

_“Don’t move – I promise it will hurt less that way…”_

Lance choked, his chest tightening.

_“He won’t stop screaming! Can’t you just make him cry?”_

_“He’s supposed to scream, you idiot. He’s got an audience.”_

He couldn’t breathe. He took a gasping breath, trying to regain control of the situation, but everything was beginning to blur. He heard Allura say his name and when a hand touched his skin it burned. Red. Red oil sliding over him, shifting and changing. He tried to cry out – to jerk away, but all he could do was gasp. He gripped the table, but it did nothing as he slipped to the ground. His chest was bursting, lungs melting as he tried to breath.

 _I’m dying_ , he thought as his fingers went numb. His heart was thudding to quickly, roaring in his ears as the fear overtook his mind, making the ground in front of him dance with black. The world spun around him quickly and when he felt more hands on him, he finally gathered the willpower to shriek, flinching away from the touch. He was dying. He had thought it might be a relief in these darker moments of his life, but all that seized him was raw terror.

“K-Kai,” He choked out as he tried desperately to grasp at reality “I need…” He gasped out, but another wave of horror hit him. Kai wasn’t here. Nobody here knew how stop his panic attacks. Nobody here knew how to help him.

“Lance.”

Hunk. Hunk was here. It was the one voice he could recognize in the sea of yells and panicked cries.

_“His blood is red. Is that because he pilots the red lion? Do you think he used to bleed blue?”_

“Please.” He begged

“Hey, Lance. You are with me. You are with Hunk.” Hunk’s voice rang through his ears, piercing the waves of terror rolling over him “You are safe, I promise. You aren’t dying. This is going to go away as soon as you’re able to calm down.” He said, voice like a song in the midst of the screeches in the back of his mind.

How was he supposed to calm down?

It took a good thirty minutes for Lance to even register where he was and another ten to breathe properly. He sat on the ground, trembling as he buried his face in his knees, muttering apologies.

“Don’t go.” He whispered when he could find his voice again. There were too many people around him, but he couldn’t find the energy to tell them to leave.

“We’re still here.” Shiro’s voice reassured him, but Lance shook his head, finally lifting his head. He hated how their eyes watched him – prying into the vulnerabilities that he had worked so hard to keep from their eyes. He hadn’t felt this useless since he was paladin himself.

“No. The aliens.” He managed to get out and his eyes flicked to where the hologram had been. Red, oiled bodies floating in front of him… Coran had practically smashed it in an effort to get it out of Lance’s sight. “They… They aren’t…” He took another shuddering breath. His chest was sore and didn’t seem to work right. “The ones who sent the distress signal. Don’t go. Don’t.” He got out. Pidge’s face appeared in front of his and he jerked back.

“Sorry,” She frowned “Just checking your pupils.”

He wanted to yell at her, but was too weak.

“You know the species?” Coran frowned, twirling his mustache between two fingers “I’ll admit I’m unfamiliar. I had planned on going into the Alfor’s old database to find out what exactly they were.”

“I could never pronounce what they were called.” He said numbly. His tongue felt too big in his mouth and part of him wanted to lean over and spew out the remaining contents of his stomach. He met Keith’s eyes and some of the fear wavered. “I just know what they do.” He licked his lips and closed his eyes.

_“Pretty, isn’t he? Do all humans look like this?”_

“They ran… They ran the prison I was in.” He clenched his jaw and shook his head free of old memories “The galra aren’t the only alien species that can do harm.” He added darkly, repeating the phrase he had once spoken to Keith. The room was thick with tension at the words. Lance spoke very little of the time he was captured before Libertas. Everyone seemed to know better than to ask.

“Are…” Pidge started and hesitated “Do you know if the entire species is like that or just the group you were with?” She asked carefully, words slowly forming in her mouth as she watched Lance’s expression. “Maybe the ones that sent the distress signal aren’t like the ones you know.”

“Most are. It’s how they feed.” He told her and tightened his grip around his knees “They… They like pain. It heightens their senses. They can’t do anything without being near someone who is in agony.” He bit his tongue, shaking his head “That’s what the prison was for. It was like a… An energy center for them. They would pay to be in a cell with us. They would rate how… How pleasing your screams were and decide how much time with you would cost.” He took a long breath. “It has to be a trap – they are trying to lure you in.” He said. The feeling was coming back in his fingers and arms, leaving an ache in its place. “They must be trying to build another center since Libertas took down their previous one years ago.” He muttered. It seemed a little odd that they wouldn’t allow their location to be found if they were trying to bait people in, but it occurred to Lance that it may only be rerouting because they had sent a mass signal out.

“If that’s the case,” Shiro’s voice spoke up “We need to figure out how to stop them before anyone else is caught.”

Lance let out another breath. His skin prickled at Shiro’s assertion. On one had… Those creatures had taken something from him that made him ache for a new sort of vengeance now that Sendak was dead. On the other hand they had also given him something he had valued for a long time.

Did he really have the strength to hurt them as they had hurt him? He wasn’t sure. Despite it all, he knew he had a soft spot.

He wondered what Kai would want. Maybe this could be a final parting gift. He always did hate Lance’s jailers.

If anything, he guess he found a purpose again.

* * *

“This is a bad idea.”

Lance reloaded his gun with a click, taking down three of the targets effortlessly.

“I thought you were supposed to be the wild, reckless one.” He threw over his shoulder and took out four more marks that appeared.

“We aren’t kids anymore, Lance.” Came the biting response and a hand landed on his shoulder. It was a silent plea for him to lower the gun. Sighing, he abided to turn and face Keith. “You aren’t in the right mindset to handle something like this.”

“I don’t take orders from you, Keith.” He said, tucking his gun to his side so he could cross his arms. “I’m not a part of Voltron, I’m here as a guest.” He sighed, repeated the earlier argument he had with Shiro.

“And what would your council say about this?” Keith threw back. Lance halted at that. The instructions had been for him to recover. Theoretically, this was a good way for him to move past Kai’s death. Throwing himself into a project would offer a place to put all is energies and efforts… but would the council understand that?

“Who’s going to tell them?” He asked instead, a silent challenge. A few strands of Keith’s hair were slipping from his hastily made ponytail, falling in his eyes. Lance felt an absurd need to push it back, but as he went to lift his hand, caught himself and clenched it into a fist instead. Keith warily eyed the movement.

“You had a panic attack just at seeing those aliens-”

“I was caught off guard,” Lance interrupted him briskly, unwilling to discuss his past bouts of weakness “I’ll be fine this time around. I know they’re coming.”

“And what exactly is your plan, here? You don’t have a lion to pilot.” He pointed out. Lance groaned, running a hand over his face. He wasn’t for sure if it was the Blade or Krolia, but Keith had become someone obnoxiously tied to reason. Shiro must be so proud.

“You’re right. We aren’t kids anymore.” He told him “In fact – I spent the past year leading over thousand aliens on over a hundred expeditions across twenty galaxies while conducting diplomacy and training an entire army all while maintaining a secret cover. The year before that I worked thirty solo missions and was a part of even more rescue assignments. I had to pass five tests to prove my worth as a commander that involved earning the loyalty of every single one of my followers and the members of council. Yet, despite that, you want to act like I don’t know what I’m doing.” Lance shot at him, jutting out his chin with narrowed eyes. Keith didn’t even flinch.

“Yes – And who was at your side during all of that?” He asked. It was a low blow. Lance lashed back with equal force.

“Not you.”

This _did_ get a reaction. Keith’s body stiffened and his mouth snapped open, ready to fire out a hundred retorts that each seemed to die on his tongue as he looked at Lance’s face. A bit of regret nudged at him for putting that pained look in his eyes, but he had started it.

“We have time,” Lance sighed “The others need more information about the species before we can even think about interacting with them. I’m the one that will be giving it to them. Can we at least wait until that part is over before we start arguing about this?” He asked. Keith took a deep breath and looked directly up at the ceiling. Lance waited until he done composing himself.

“Fine. But that doesn’t mean we are finished with this.” He added and Lance gave him a brilliant smile in return.

* * *

Joxel was a pretty small planet on the outskirts of a galaxy Lance never cared to learn the name of. According to Allura, Altea did a lot of trading with them back in the day, which sort of explained why they were there, but also not really.

“I have an idea for something that can help us,” Pidge said as she flew across the room to grab a bag of coins “They have the stuff I need.” She told him and disappeared around the corner seconds later. Lance pinched the bridge of his nose and went to Shiro instead.

“Pidge doesn’t explain her inventions to me,” He answered warily “I just know if she says this thing will help, we should let her build it.” He offered a wry smile “Plus when she’s working on something she stops try to mess with my arm.” He said, raising the Altean prosthetic to prove his point “Keith wants to put a tracking chip in it.”

“Can you blame him?” Lance asked and Shiro placed a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

“I thought you two were spending a weird amount of time together. Now I know you are conspiring against me.”

“When did you get so dramatic?”

“I’ve always been dramatic. I just couldn’t let you guys know until you were old enough to handle it.” The paladin smirked at him before flipping through some kind of space magazine.

He supposed he couldn’t really argue with that logic.

Drifting, he went to find Keith in hopes to asking for some fun. Or maybe just talk. When they weren’t fighting, Lance found he didn’t really mind talking to Keith. He had a perspective of the universe that was both similar and different to his own if you were able to get it out of him. Lance secretly took pride in the fact he could usually coax things out of him now. Obviously, he wasn’t Shiro or anything, but he would take what he could get.

Realizing the paladin must be outside of the ship, he pulled on his old jacket and drew the hood over his face. Technically, his identity was still supposed to be a secret, but since he wasn’t with Libertas it wasn’t too much of a big deal.

He stepped out and immediately shielded his eyes from the glistening planet, a little alarmed. Allura had warned them that Joxel was made entirely up of large, glittering gems, but the reality of it was harder to digest. They appeared to have landed next to a market since tents were pitched up – some made specifically to welcome Voltron while others appeared to be selling merchandise.

“Those are pretty.”

Keith wasn’t hard to spot. He never strayed too far from the ship and the gaggle of aliens around him kind of gave it away. Lance chuckled a bit at how warily Keith regarded the group, holding something in his hand that Lance couldn’t really make out. The alien who had spoken before was purring at Keith, eyes not too different from the glittering stone of her planet. Lance leaned against a stand, watching the interaction with vague amusement as Keith looked down at his hand in surprise.

“Uh, thanks.” He said and offered a polite smile.

Interesting.

The Keith he knew would have been more overwhelmed by the attention. He might even have lashed out a little from it if that meant he could avoid being ogled at. Lance’s brows came together as a few of the aliens giggled.

“Who is for?” Another asked – this time male. Or one with what Lance perceived as male features anyways. He was looking at Keith eagerly, head tilted and eyes unblinking. Lance shifted.

“A friend,” Keith answered easily and the group murmured at this, whispers dancing around the tent to the ship. “Is there anything I can help you guys with?” He asked and the group burst into various noises. Lance wasn’t sure what overcame him, but within seconds he had walked past the crowd and pulled Keith’s arm.

“Lance?” Keith frowned, jumping a little at his sudden appearance “What are you-?”

“Come _on_ ,” Lance muttered, a bit irritably. He leveled a cold look at some aliens from under his hood, causing a few of them to cringe back while others widened their eyes. Keith didn’t pull back from him, but Lance felt his gaze as he shut the ship’s door behind them with a loud bang. He paused to make sure Coran wasn’t going to shout at him before knocking his hood back.

“What was that about?”

Dear God, Lance _wished_ he knew. But he didn’t. So he lied.

“You looked uncomfortable out there.” He shrugged, jamming his hands in his pockets. Keith rose an eyebrow before frowning.

“Did I?” He asked “Oh. No, I was fine. I’ve kind of gotten used to it.” He admitted and a surge of annoyance hit Lance in the chest.

“Used to it? Does everyone bother you like that?” He demanded, wrinkling his nose. “Why don’t you just punch their lights out?”

It was a childish solution, but he didn’t see why it wouldn’t work. Keith laughed, throwing back his head a little so his throat was exposed. The purple mark on the side of his face had extended so dipped down into his shirt. Lance couldn’t help but stare.

“That seems like a bit of an overreaction,” He chuckled “Does it really bother you?”

Lance reeled.

“What? _Bother_ me? No. I never said – I wasn’t-” He spluttered and _God_ was his face turning red? He swallowed, trying to regain his previous control over the situation only to realize he never really had any. “I was trying to help _you_.” He told him and Keith narrowed his gaze.

“Are you…?” Oh no. Please don’t. Please don’t say it. “Did that make you jealous?” He asked, voice high with surprise. Lance felt like drowning himself.

“Don’t be an idiot!” He snapped out and turned away. He didn’t have to put up with this. Jealous. _Please_. As if he would be _that_ disrespectful to his boyfriend who had only been in his grave for four months. He was mourning. He was… What he and Keith had was purely physical and Lance had made that incredibly clear.

 _Keith?_ Kai’s voice suddenly echoed in his head. For a moment he was in a cell again, holding a sharpened rock in front of him _Is that who you want to see?_

He hated himself.

* * *

 “Okay,” Pidge hummed happily as she clasped her hands together. “I have created my masterpiece!” She beamed and threw her arms up to show what could only be described as a large, Altean looking TV. Everyone looked at her blankly, aside from Coran, who clapped enthusiastically.

“I’ll take it.” She muttered with a roll of her eyes and placed a hand on either hip. “This is how we are going to figure out to bring that alien species down.” She told them and Lance looked around to see everyone else’s reaction. Keith and him were sitting on one of the white couches, both stiff and unable to look at one another. Hunk was sprawled on the floor, scrawling something in a notebook with his attention half on Pidge and half on whatever he was writing. Allura and Coran sat on a different couch with Shiro standing behind them, arms resting beside Allura’s head. Pidge groaned.

“Why do I even try?” She muttered and flicked a switch so the screen turned a hazy purple. “So here’s how it works: I can take memories and display them for _all_ of us to see. So, for example, if I attach our mind melding gear to Lance I could see any memory from him I wanted.” She said, grinning maniacally.

“I don’t consent to that.” He frowned, but was waved away.

“My _point_ is we’ll be able to observe the species and learn how they work before having to actually engage with them. We can also look at the conditions of the prison and see if there are any planets that might be suitable for their next one!” She told them. Keith shifted.

“And…We are going to do this with Lance’s memories?” He clarified. Pidge clicked her tongue at that.

“We might have to. I wish I had something from the aliens. That would work so much better.” She sighed and at this, Lance perked up.

“What do you mean?” He asked her and dug his nails into his hands to refocus himself. Keith’s eyes flicked at the movement, a frown playing at his lips.

“Well… I looked up these guys in the database. You’re right that we can’t pronounce their names. The closest thing I could come up with is ‘dream walker’ in our language.”

“Dream walker?” Hunk frowned, glancing up from his notebook. “Why are they called that?” He asked and Pidge’s eyes flicked to Lance warily. Could she see how pale he had gone? Keith’s fingers tapped him and he sent a questioning look. Lance looked away, trying to slow down his heart rate. When he felt a firm squeeze on his palm he didn’t jerk away. Unable to help himself from accepting the comfort, he squeezed back.

“Because these guys are literally able to change into what people love. It’s actually super cool. Lance is right in that they feed on misery. Because of that they are able to shape shift into what the person wants most…or perhaps fears most and torment them even more. So instead of DNA, they have…Like. Memory strands. If I had some cells from them I could replay _any_ memory they have – whether it is their own of their victims - because it is through those cells they absorb their food!” She told them eagerly.

The room looked pretty disturbed. Lance was mostly disturbed by Pidge’s pleasure of this information.

“Lance, didn’t you say most of them are harmful?” Shiro finally said carefully “How do the ones who are not survive?” He asked “And how can you tell the difference?”

He shifted as all the eyes flicked back to him. He ignored Keith. Part of him wanted to lean in for more comfort, but he refused. He wasn’t weak. He could handle this.

“I… Uh, came across a few… Good ones, I guess you would say. They still need that pain though. I saw some that would hurt themselves instead. There are others that would come into our cells as doctors and patch us up. The pain we were already in would sustain them.” He said, picking at his nails “Others would just… Navigate towards unhappy people. Unhappy places.” He paused “They can feel other things, though. Love. Happiness. Excitement. They can feel all of that too.” He couldn’t help but add. They shot him puzzled looks at the last comment. “It’s just they need the pain like we need to eat. It doesn’t necessarily make them evil.”

“And… The one who sent the distress signal?” Hunk frowned at him. Lance’s skin crawled, thinking back to the alien he had seen on the screen. It had been in its natural form. A humanoid outline, but made of a glittering red oil that form swirled and formed into various shapes.

“We should be prepared for anything. Like I said… Most aren’t very nice.” He told them darkly and sighed. “So if you had the…memory strand thing of an alien who was at my prison, that would be better?” He asked, redirecting his words to Pidge. The paladin sighed.

“Ideally yes. We would be able to see things like guards, passwords, how the prison works in more detail…That sort of thing. But we can make due with your memories. I worry they’ll be tainted with your distress – and obviously they’re personal.” She added. Lance gnawed at his lip. Wordlessly, he got up. Shiro called after him and Keith made to follow, but Hunk quickly shut them both down. Perhaps he saw the look on Lance’s face. Maybe they thought he was upset about sharing his memories.

This _would_ be pretty personal. In fact, part of him would rather be sharing his own memories instead of what he was about to do.

He thought back to the whispers. The hands crawling over him. The pain and the screams.

_“His mind is broken. Look. You can see it in his eyes!”_

If personal is what it took to wipe them out, he would take it.

* * *

 He returned thirty minutes later with his heart pounding and a lump in throat. Nobody had moved from their spots, eyes watching him cautiously as he walked over to Pidge and held out his hand.

“This has a dream walker’s DNA – memory strands – whatever. He was in the jail with me. I… Here.” He shook his head. Pidge stared, eyes impossibly wide. She must have known what he was holding. She looked at the rest of the group, their mouths agape. Keith had pure horror written on his expression, quickly morphing into anger.

“Are you kidding me?” He whispered and his jaw clenched “Are you _fucking_ kidding me?” He demanded and Lance stared him down.

“Do not.” He warned, voice turning into a dark hiss “Do not say a single word until you understand.”

“You… They brainwashed you.” He breathed out, shaking his head “They must have. Libertas. Are they in league with those things?” He said, standing up. Shiro held up a hand.

“Keith-”

“No!” He shouted and Lance sighed, handing the item to Pidge. “This is insane! How could you-”

“Sit down.” Lance snapped at him “Do you trust me?”

“I don’t trust that fucking-”

“Do you trust _me_?” Lance cut him off and Keith’s anger wavered. He stared at Lance. Slowly he nodded, though Lance could see flush of rage sweeping over his cheeks. “Then sit down and just _watch_.” He insisted and nodded at Pidge. The paladin seemed in complete shock at how the events had turned so quickly, but rolled the shirt in her hands before turning to the machine. “I want that back.” He told her.

“I… Of course.” She said, voice strangely distant.

The screen flickered to life.

* * *

Lance had thought Pidge’s machine would display the memories – not make him live through them. It was as if he was sucked inside of the box, colors going from bright to dull and monochrome as Lance was thrown back into the memories. There was screaming. Loud and cracking. He heard other things too – whispers, begging, groaning, crying… Inhuman noises and silent thrums that Lance knew were sounds of pain that he just couldn’t comprehend.

Then there was his own voice. Begging.

This was _his_ memory.

His mother smiled at him, showing sharp rows of teeth as the walker morphed out of her form, laughing. In a second it was changed and Lance’s sister stood in front of him, running a small knife over him. Lance swallowed, closing his eyes as the first cut began, but there was no ridding himself of her voice.

“Where were you, little brother? You went off to save the universe and couldn’t even save us.” She hummed and this time Lance leaned into the pain. The walker purred in approval. “Good. You know what you deserve.” She said and the pain disappeared for a second. “It should make this part all the easier.”

This time it was his brother’s voice. His eyes snapped open.

“Don’t move.” Was the only warning and Lance felt what was left of the rags he was wearing ripped away before he realized what was happening.

He was burning. God, he was _burning_ as his brother laughed over him. Tears choked him, keeping him from breathing or screaming. He kicked the ground uselessly, as if trying to run, but his feet only slipped on the slick floors. The pain retreated and Lance could only groan, eyes fluttering as he looked over to see the skin directly over his heart blackened and blistered.

They had fucking _branded_ him.

A cool hand touched him and he flinched away.

“Hey,” A voice whispered “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to get you out of here, alright?” Lance’s eyes fluttered and he flinched to see a walker in front of him. Their body was like liquid, moving quickly to undo the metal bindings around Lance’s hands. He couldn’t really make out eyes, but he could see what was probably a mouth moving. “They’re gone. I promise. We have a bit of time.” The walker told him and Lance fell to the ground. “Shit.”

The walker leaned down to pick him up, but now that he was free, Lance launched himself at it. He was injured and in a dizzying amount of pain, but he found a rock on the ground and desperately thrust it forward as a weapon. Taking a weak step backwards he quickly hit it against the wall as hard as he could so it became sharp as the sides broke away. The walker’s form flickered so it looked more human, but it was still red and slick. It held up its hands warily.

“I know – I know you don’t trust me. You’ve been here for months. My kind has been hurting you. But help is on the way, I promise. What’s your name?” It asked, but Lance didn’t respond. He just held up the rock shakily. The walker’s form shifted again and this time he was greeted with a familiar face.

“K - Keith?” He asked, voice cracking a little as he took in the dark hair and violet eyes.

“Keith?” The walker asked him cautiously “Is that who you want to see?”

“Change the _fuck_ out of him.” Lance snarled, voice stronger than it had been in days. The walker obeyed and a few seconds later Allura was standing in front of him.

“Is… Is she better?” The walker frowned, “I don’t know what will make you more comfortable.”

“No!” Lance whispered “Stop. Stop it.”

Allura’s eyes widened and she shifted away, this time melting into someone Lance hadn’t seen before. Dark eyes like Keith, but thick white hair like Allura’s only shorter. Lance stared at it, but didn’t put the rock down.

“I can try to be both.”

“I don’t want you to be either.”

“I feel your memories – I can’t find your name though.” The walker told him and Lance narrowed his gaze. He didn’t trust this thing and his eyes kept flicking warily at the door. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll, uh, stop going through your mind. I don’t think you like that.” The thing mused.

Lance said nothing. This had to be a trick. Part of him didn’t care. He was ready to die anyways.

“I need to call you something, though. I don’t know many human names… Steve?” It tried weakly and Lance scoffed, hissing as the adrenaline wore down as the pain hit him all at once. He fell against the wall with a sharp cry. Immediately the walker took a step towards him. Lance glowered.

“Let me help.” It requested and knelt by him. Lance didn’t have the energy to fight, but the walker only placed a hand on him. It was cool and Lance felt himself distracted by the Keith-Allura hybrid in front of him. Absently, he raised his hand and ran a hand over the long, silky strands of hair. Maybe he had finally lost his mind.

“I always loved her hair.” Lance told it, voice numb as the walker’s hands worked to cover his wounds with bits of cloth “So pretty. Like moonlight.” He mused and the walker fixed Keith’s eyes on him.

“Moonlight, huh?”

Lance hummed lazily. He felt weird. Like he had been drugged with something, lulling him into a sleep. His hand fell away from the walker and for a few moments the shrieking and screaming stopped.

“Who are you?” He slurred and the voice sounded distant when it answered.

“They call me Kai.”

The colors swirled again and reformed just as quickly. It was the same cell as before, only now Lance felt stronger. He looked around and frowned. He had never felt this healthy during his stay here. Nevertheless, Lance looked down to find the memory of himself on the floor. He was breathing desperately, hands shaking as Kai nervously sat in front of him.

The nervousness settled itself in Lance’s stomach and it was then that he realized that the memory was Kai’s.

“I came too late.” He muttered “I thought… I thought I was quick enough that they wouldn’t hurt you again.” He said and Lance’s eyes snapped to his, narrowed with burning hatred.

“And now you get a nice meal. How _unfortunate_ for you.” He spat out and Kai’s eyes widened. No, Keith’s eyes. He still hadn’t changed from the hybrid form he originally created for Lance.

“I won’t feed off your pain.” He said instead, shifting a little “Not if you don’t want me to.”

Lance groaned, pressing his head to the rock next to him. Blood was splattered on the floor next to bile and God knows what else.

“Go ahead,” He mumbled, bitterly “Might as well be good for something.”

Kai swallowed, but didn’t respond. He instead set to work healing whatever wounds Lance had obtained that day. The branding on his chest had begun to mend, but was still scarred and angry. Kai’s hands didn’t move to his chest though – they instead focused on his arms.

“People are coming for you. You didn’t have to do this.” Kai told him, gesturing to the sliced wrists. Lance shook his head, eyes fluttering closed and then open again. Sweat was pouring down his face despite the chill.

“You’re a liar.” Lance told him “Nobody is coming for me. I don’t deserve for anyone to come for me.” He muttered and Kai took a deep breath, eyes widening a little. “What?”

A strong sensation suddenly hit him as Lance’s past-self spoke those words. It was as if his heart had stopped and stomach coiled tightly. A sharp taste filled his mouth – like all of his favorite foods were shoved right in front of him, filling him with a dizzying amount of pleasure. For a second, he felt weak at it, but took a step back to push the feeling away. Kai licked his lips.

“Sorry.” He stuttered out “I just… Sometimes it overwhelms me. Your emotions.” He said and shook his head free “I know you don’t believe me, but they _are_ coming. I swear it. I’ll do better with protecting you.” He said and brushed some hair from his eyes. Lance pulled his brows together.

“Why should I believe you?”

A pause.

“I guess you shouldn’t, moonlight. But it doesn’t hurt to hope. We don’t feed on that.”

The words echoed and this time the color completely drained away before forming into something else. It was brighter now. And it took Lance a second to realize he was no longer in the cell, but a large bedroom. It took him another second to identify the memory as his own.

“The council seemed nice,” Kai said, walking into the empty room. Lance was sitting on the bed, looking around it thoughtfully. The commander of Libertas, Lina was her name, had offered him refuge here. He figured for the time being he would take it until he could contact Voltron. “I told you they would come.” Kai beamed and the human turned to regard him warily.

“You did. How did you know?” He asked and Kai’s smile wavered a bit, shame suddenly crossing his features. He shuffled a bit before answering.

“I… Commander Lina. She was once a prisoner there too. I helped her escape. She said she would come back to free everyone.” He admitted and crossed his arms over his chest “I know that makes me seem horrible, to… To betray my own kind like that, but-”

“You don’t have to explain.” Lance interrupted him. He kicked the bag of clothes they had provided him by the bed and looked back up. “You really don’t.” He added and they stared at one another for a second. Lance sighed. “Listen, you can’t keep looking like that.” He said, gesturing to him up and down. “It’s messed up.”

“But… You like how they look. That’s why I chose them.” Kai frowned. Lance choked a little at the implication that he found _Keith_ attractive as well as Allura. He thought to dark, long hair and soft eyes. Well. Maybe. It didn’t mean anything though.

“Well you need to choose something _you_ like. Not me.” Lance told him “Besides, it is freaking me out a little.”

“Something I like?” Kai repeated, wrinkling his nose “Moonlight, I’m not like other aliens. I don’t have those kinds of preferences.”

“I think you do.” Lance told him “Just… Here, look through my memories. If you want to appear human you can see how different we all look. Just pick a few traits and make due.” He said. Kai stared, mouth agape as looked at Lance with pure alarm.

“You… Want me to see your memories?” He asked, and tilted his head “Really?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I cared.” Lance told him and there was a long pause before Kai stepped forward. For a second Lance felt like he was being sucked clean for a moment and then it was gone. When he opened his eyes Kai had changed. He fidgeted a little under Lance’s gaze, looking uncertain on how he did. “I like it.” Lance finally said.

“You don’t mind?” He frowned and when Lance tilted his head, gestured to himself “That I, uh. Kept his eyes?”

Keith’s eyes. He had Keith’s eyes still. Lance fidgeted a little at the realization, but shook his head. There was always the chance he may never see his teammates again. Maybe it wasn’t so bad that he kept a piece of them by his side. Kai smiled.

“Alejandro.”

“What?”

“Your name. I heard it just now in your memories. Alejandro.” He said and Lance couldn’t help but grin at how pleased he was. He thought about correcting him, but found he sort of liked how his name rolled over in his tongue.

“Yeah. Alejandro.”

Why were they seeing this? Lance had thought they were supposed to be focusing on the prison. On the species as a whole – not just Kai. Still, he had no idea how to stop the influx of memories rushing at them. The next one that formed was Kai’s – Lance didn’t have to identify anyone’s emotions. He could deduce it simply by Lance’s past-self not being present at all.

“You seem upset.”

“Voltron is here.” Kai answered Lina as he entered the control room. She rose an eyebrow, not surprised by the fact considering she had welcomed them in her alliance only a varga ago. “Alejandro is… Pleased. I think.”

“And you?”

Kai glanced around the room. None of the pilots paid them any sort of mind – or perhaps they were good at being invisible.

“Libertas is filled with painful stories. It is why I thrive here.” He said bitterly “Voltron is no different.”

“Perhaps,” Lina told him lightly “You are not used to the pain being your own. Lance will not leave you for them. This uncertainty you wear doesn’t suit you.” She smiled and Kai’s form flicked – just for a moment – so that the red was visible before he settled back.

“I don’t doubt his loyalty.” Kai told her with a frown “You don’t see him. Sometimes when I’m injured and this form falters… He sees my natural skin and flinches. When he wakes from nightmares he always calls out for them. He… He _needs_ them and I hold him back.” Kai admitted and pressed his fingers over the bridge of his nose. “The red paladin. I’ve always known, but now that I’ve seen him…”

“And what can the red paladin provide our commander?”

“Humanity. An understanding of loss. Anger. I don’t know why he feels these things. He thinks I can, but…” Kai gnawed at his lip. Lina was watching him closely.

“It seems to me you are able to feel these things just fine,” She told him “You fret and worry over him. Those are emotions he knows. Besides, the red paladin is only half-human.”

“One thing that Alejandro has taught me… Humanity exists outsides of his species.” He said and looked down at his hands “I think the red paladin has more of it than most earthlings.” He murmured and shook his head. “Do you know what first attracted me to Lance?” He asked and Lina tilted her head.

“His pain.” She guessed and Kai nodded with a sigh.

“His pain,” He agreed “My kind do a lot of things to draw it out. Physical torment. Mental torture. Emotional abuse. But with him… It was already there. We could have fed on him while treating him like a king.” He admitted and crossed his arms tightly to his chest “My brethren have always been greedy though. They tortured him in every way they knew how. It was like adding salt and sugar to an already well seasoned meal.” He said, voice not hiding any of his disgust. “Do you want to know the worst part?”

Lina didn’t answer.

“They say he tasted _worse_ after being tortured.” Kai told her quietly and clenched his fists “Turns out he is in the most pain whenever he is left alone with himself.”

Lance could feel the bitterness rising through him. The sadness and anger. Mostly though, there was a heavy sense of loss that settled on his shoulders. Kai looked down at his hands and Lance felt his throat close up at the defeat that spiked in his chest.

“Even now, his constant pain sustains me. I have nothing to offer him in return. I’m sure Voltron does.”

Lina placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to meet her gaze.

“Tell me something.” She instructed, eyes digging into his. “If the commander were to be absent of any pain tomorrow… Would you still stay?” She asked and Kai went quiet. Lance could feel something warm rushing through him and the answer came easily.

“I would happily starve for the rest of my life if that meant he could feel nothing but pleasure.”

“Then you offer him more than you know.” Lina promised and the color sucked itself away again into blackness.

Lance felt himself hit the floor, dizzy and confused.

“Wha-” He coughed out, eyes refocusing on the room. The others looked just as distraught by the ordeal. Pidge’s hand was on top of one of the buttons of the screen. “Some of those were my memories.”

“They were memories of yours Kai had seen.” Pidge told him. She looked just as dazed as him. “I’m sorry. I meant for it to stop after the prison, but his memory strands… They valued those memories the most.” She stumbled out and Lance flinched. All of Kai’s memories had revolved around Lance. Had they even _gotten_ anything useful to use with the prison? And… Keith. He turned quickly to see the other paladin frozen in his spot. Fuck.

He went to stand, but his body ached at the memories of his old injuries. When had he fallen off the couch? That was embarrassing. It was tempting to sprawl out on the floor and not get back up. Eventually, he felt Shiro grip his shoulder and Lance felt a wave of emotion cross over him.

He began to cry.

Like a freaking child. He hated it. It was all so overwhelming. Lance couldn’t sort everything he felt out and – damnit. They wouldn’t let him help if he was an emotional mess like this. Taking a shuddering breath he tried desperately to pull himself together. He couldn’t bring himself to glance back at Keith again.

“Fuck – Lance I am so sorry.” Pidge’s voice came from somewhere and he swallowed his emotions. Lina was right. It was better to keep them in boxes after all. Jerking himself free of Shiro’s grip, he stood, glaring at the TV. Anger flashed over him and receded as quickly as it came.

“Watch the rest without me.” He told them “Try to keep to the prison stuff.” He added and Shiro frowned, reaching out for him again. Lance turned a level glare at him, trying to give a silent warning not to touch him. The paladin instantly obliged, but that didn’t stop him from following Lance out of the room.

“Talk to me-”

“What is there to say?” Lance turned around “I’m a mess. I’ve known this. I’ve _always_ known this, Shiro. Even before we returned to Earth. I was a stupid kid who had too many issues – then everything just got worse.”

“We can help.”

“I don’t want it.” Lance snapped back “I don’t _need_ it. I can handle this by myself. You were tortured.” He said, throwing a hand towards the paladin “I don’t remember seeing you-”

“Because _that wasn’t me_ , Lance.” He told him “When we first met, maybe. But we weren’t family then. I wouldn’t have trusted you with my issues. Things are different now.” He tried and Lance could have said a thousand hurtful things. That they weren’t family or that he didn’t trust him – but it would be a lie. Everyone on this damn ship had made a mark on him. “And Keith-”

“Don’t,” Lance groaned “Don’t even start with me on Keith. I know what it looked like.” He told him and Shiro reached out for him again. Lance stepped away. He went to speak, but Lance’s communicator buzzed. His eyes widened. “It’s the council.” He said “They want to evaluate how much I’ve improved.”

“Have you?”

Lance didn’t give an answer. He just turned to and left the paladin standing in the hallway.

* * *

The council meeting went as well as he had hoped. He kept his mouth shut about the walkers – the last thing he needed was them putting him somewhere else to protect him from the trauma of that as well. Still, they didn’t seem to feel he was ready to return. He had no idea why. He smiled, spoke with confidence, updated them with all the energy he could muster – was he really that easy to see through?

He leaned against the corridor’s wall, sliding down it as a wave of defeat hit him. What more could he do? Part of him considered calling Sonja. Part of him didn’t see how that would help.

“Ah, there you are.” Coran’s voice greeted him. It was as chipper as ever, though Lance didn’t miss the way the Altean’s eyes regarded him with slight apprehension. “Walk with me! I have something to show you.” He told him and while Lance was in no mood to hear whatever spiel Coran had for him, he also knew better to argue with him when his voice hit that note of firmness. Coran had been an advisor to Alfor, so most of the time he spoke softly and reasonably. Like an old man full of knowledge. Most of his words were framed a suggestions, but occasionally there was a hint of an order to them.

Lance heard it now.

“Where are we going?” He asked, rolling his shoulders back as Coran led him down a maze of hallways. They were close to the paladins’ rooms, perhaps the next hallway over. Lance had only explored it briefly that day he and Keith had eaten by the large glass window. Now, Coran opened one of the doors to reveal another door with a keypad built into the side.

“The code is 2381.” He told Lance as he typed it in and the doors slid open after it gave a beep of confirmation. Lance followed him inside and froze. His breath caught for a moment and Coran placed a hand on his shoulder, leading him further inside before speaking again.

“When I was rebuilding the castle on Earth,” Coran started and the hand on Lance’s shoulder slid off and fell to his side “I added this room for you.” He said “I thought it might give you a sense of comfort after the harder battles… That was before I realized you were leaving, of course, but I couldn’t bring myself to take it out.” He admitted and Lance opened and closed his mouth. He couldn’t find the words to respond.

The room was filled with the sound of crashing waves and seagulls. Heat seemed to beat down – almost like a sun was directly above them, though Lance had no idea how that was possible. He looked down and sure enough, soft sand was beneath his boots. The entire room was replica of Veradero beach. He walked forward and touched the water. It was warm and the smell of salt hit him. He reeled back.

“How?” He whispered, but Coran only offered a small smile. He walked over to the door where another keypad sat. He clicked in some more numbers and Lance found the room shifting as it gave another beep of approval. This time he was in a house. The floors were wooden and chipped and the smell of cookies wafted over him. With a shaking hand, he reached out and touched the counter.

“This was my house.” He whispered and Coran nodded. He walked over to the counter stools and pulled himself onto one, patting for Lance to do the same.

“I visited often so that I could capture the likeness.” He said casually – as if he didn’t just break Lance’s heart and bake the pieces into a tragically beautiful pie. “I see why you missed it so much.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Lance said, looking around “I… Thank you. You didn’t have to do this.” He shook his head. Had anyone done anything to so wonderful for him before? He wasn’t sure. Coran studied him.

“Have I ever told you of the day Altea was destroyed?” He asked and Lance pressed his lips together before shaking his head. It was a rhetorical question, anyways. Allura and Coran never spoke of that day. “Well, I remember it very clearly. The suns were both out and I was listening to my son’s singing.” He informed him and Lance felt his body tense. Son. Coran had a son. He bit his lip and looked away.

“Alfor summoned me, so I went to his side immediately. I had no idea it was the last time I would see him. He promised me he would sing me something else when I returned,” Coran said, eyes gazing at the candle that sat on the stone countertop. “Allura was there. She looked frightened, and all I could think of was that if she was frightened then something was very wrong. Alfor told us we were under attack. Then he looked me in the eyes and told me how sorry he was.” Coran sighed heavily. He reached out for the candle now, fingers lingering just above the flame “I wasn’t sure what he meant. I just keep planning the fight, but when the pod closed over me I realized…” He trailed off.

“I am so sorry.” Lance whispered. The words grated on his ears. He had so many people speak the same phrase to him and always felt a stab of resentment whenever it was said. Now that he was on the other side, he realized there was nothing else he could think to express the devastation he felt for his friend.

“Are you?” Coran asked, raising an eyebrow. Lance jerked back at the question, a little shocked by it. Coran chuckled, shaking his head with a grim smile. “I did not mean it like that, my boy.” He told him gently. “I know you wish you could ease my suffering.” He informed him and continued playing with the candle’s fire “As well as we wish we could ease yours. It is tragically never that simple, is it?” He asked and Lance swallowed.

“No,” He agreed “It isn’t.”

“Grief is not simple, Lance. Stop treating it as such.”

There was a long pause. Coran very rarely used Lance’s name, always abiding by nicknames and sorting systems. He digested the way it rolled off the man’s tongue before then registering the words he had spoken.

“I’m not-”

“You are.” Coran told him firmly “You believed killing Sendak would stop the grief of your family. You believe confronting the walkers will stop your grief of Kai. I see it in your eyes.” He clicked his tongue “I see how you train until you bleed because you think it stops the pain. I see how you spend nights with Keith to stop the nightmares.”

The last one almost had him flushing, but Coran didn’t offer him any further comment on it, instead fixed on continuing his point.

“Greater pain does not erase the pain we already have. It distracts you from realizing the effort it will take to get up and try again.”

Lance stared at his hands. He tried to think of an argument, his defenses immediately rising, but his mind came up blank.

“And if I don’t want to try again?” He asked, forcing himself to meet Coran’s gaze.

“Then we will wait until you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup losers (jk, I love you all). I have a lot to say so be prepared for all of my announcements.
> 
> MOST IMPORTANTLY: You can't tell me Coran wouldn't design the new castle with his fave humans in mind. To me, it is already canon that Lance will have a room dedicated to Earth things. 
> 
> Also - I mentioned this before, but I feel like this chapter is a good place to repeat it: the ways Lance's (deteriorating) mental health is addressed here is not any sort of guideline to real life. I have tried to make his issues as realistic as possible, but you'll notice the trend of how different characters think it should be dealt with (Shiro: patience and openness, Keith: blunt honesty and tough love, Coran: persistence and realism, Lance: avoidance and distraction). That is because there really isn't a solution that works 100% of the time. You'll notice that each of these tactics hasn't (and won't) 100% help Lance here anyways. 
> 
> As far as the next half of the story (thanks for sticking around this long lol). I promise I'll stop beating up Lance soon. The next chapter will be a bit of mental healing for him before the plot moves along so that we can finish it all neatly at 10... Speaking of the plot... Did anything I just wrote make sense? lol Sometimes I can understand my writing fine, but my readers can get a little lost. This was (sort of) a plot twist I guess with Kai and all. I really hope it was clear cause the prison/walkers play a bigger role in what comes next. 
> 
> LASTLY, if you're feeling sad then you can check out the other fic I wrote. It's a one-shot and pretty light and fluffy. I wrote it because this fic was making me cry so if you're in the same space you can head over there :D
> 
> Thank you guys! Tell me if I'm doing a good job - I live off of validation lol


	6. Scars and Sandcastles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this works otherwise I'll have to delete this chapter and re-upload it and I am TOO DAMN LAZY
> 
> Disclaimer: not mine
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it!

“Stop.”

“Stop what?” Lance snapped, throwing himself down on the couch. He had wanted to go to his room and sleep away his problems, but Shiro had yanked him by the collar into the lounge with a huff and limited amount of patience.

“Stop picking fights with Keith.” The paladin clarified. Lance went to argue, but Shiro held up a hand. “You are much more subtle now, but I can tell that you are. You’re trying to get him to lash out at you. It isn’t fair to him.” He told him firmly “He’s been trying so hard to be good to you and-”

“ _Good to me_?” Lance repeated, voice rising a few octaves “What am I? Five?” He demanded, sitting up straight.

“You’re acting like it.” Shiro told him bluntly “We are on your side, Lance. I’m not saying we understand or can make it all go away – but we have your back.” He said, voice softening a bit towards the end. “We’ve all… We’ve all struggled. Maybe not in the same ways, but it has always helped us in the past to come together-”

“I’m not one of you.” Lance interrupted, glowering at the floor. “Not anymore. I’ve never really belonged anyways. I won’t bother Keith anymore if it’s that important, but don’t act like we’re some kind impenetrable fortress here. Teamwork won’t change anything that’s happened.” He added and leaned back into the chair, closing his eyes. God, he was tired. It was like he was a broken record. Repeating and feeling the same things over and over again. He was half-expecting someone to finally lose their patience and start screaming at him.

He felt like he had taken ten steps backwards since his talk with Coran. He had been so ready to earnestly try – but his mind seemed to fight against him. He was irrationally angry, anxious, tempermental - _all of the time_. He had felt a wave of shame every time he slipped up, but Coran would always offer a small smile.

_“Try again,”_ He reminded him and Lance would take a deep breath and restart.

In moments like these… He wondered why he even bothered.

“You are one of us.” Shiro said and knelt in front of him. Lance exhaled slowly, forcing himself to meet his eyes. Shiro had a way of peering right through you and into your soul.

“Can I ask you something?” He began with a bit of hesitation and when Shiro nodded, clasped his hands together. “Do you remember being dead?”

It was a blunt question – and definitely not one Shiro had been expecting. He jerked back in surprise, mouth parting for a moment before his expression hardened and he leaned forward. Lance wasn’t expecting to be touched – Shiro was pretty good with not going in people’s bubbles unless needed – but the paladin reached forward and yanked at Lance’s chin so he was forced to look at him.

“Why?” He asked, voice quiet but with a stern note of unyielding determination. Lance wanted to jerk back, but knew he wouldn’t be able to under the firm grip. “Lance,” Shiro said when he didn’t respond right away “Why?”

“It isn’t like that!” He argued, suddenly feeling seventeen again in this position. Shiro had always been the more paternal, cool older brother on the ship. Lance lost track of how many times he had sat through different lectures and stumbled through weak explanations of his actions to the man. Now, it felt a bit inane to be scolded by him with all things considered. Sure, Shiro was…What? Twenty-eight now? Perhaps old enough to be bossing him around, but Lance felt after his life experiences he deserved not to be told off like a kid. “Let me go!”

Shiro released him, but didn’t look the slightest bit convinced.

“What is it like then?” He asked, voice wary and unrelenting. Lance sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath. One. Two. Right.

“I just… I just sometimes wonder where they are.” He answered. It wasn’t exactly a lie. Lance did often wonder what had happened to his loved ones after their deaths. In these current moments though, he was more inclined to ask and see if Coran’s theory of ‘grief doesn’t have simple answers’ motto still held up. Shiro regarded him cautiously.

“No. I don’t remember.” He answered. It was a lie. Lance could tell, but he kept his mouth shut. Instead he nodded and got up to leave. Shiro shifted, but didn’t go after him. He thought about walking to Keith’s room, but… They hadn’t talked since Kai’s memories. Not privately at least. Lance had made sure whenever they spoke it was in the safety net of the other people, always silently working to anger him.

“Don’t push him away,” Hunk had told him after Keith spun out of the room one day, bright red with frustration. “He cares about you.”

Everyone cared so much about him. It brought a bitter taste in his mouth. Sometimes his thoughts got venomous. His mother would be able to fix him. His brother could make him feel better. His grandmother always calmed him down. He wasn’t for sure if any of the thoughts were factual or if he heightened his family’s abilities to deal with him in order to justify his disdain for his friends being unable to do the same.

He walked past Keith’s room, instead finding himself in front of the lab Coran had designed for Pidge. He hesitated before knocking, half-expecting to be ignored. Pidge gave a quiet call to enter, sounding as wary and tired as he felt.

“Lance,” She greeted, eyes widening a bit as he entered “You’re… You’re here.” She finished lamely. Dark circles were under her eyes. She probably hadn’t slept in days – he felt the smallest stab of guilt at not noticing sooner.

“I wanted to see if you’ve gotten a location on the transmission yet.” He told her, pulling up one of the room’s many rolling chairs to sit down. Coran seemed to construct Pidge’s space with as much thought as he put into Lance’s. The walls each seemed designated to a specific use. The one in front of him held various pieces of tech with a row of benches in front of it. A computer sat in the middle with an arm attached – probably to grab the pieces Pidge was too small to reach. The second wall was filled with various foods, some of which Lance recognized as Pidge’s favorites. To his left a bed was shoved against the wall with pictures of Pidge’s family carefully pasted on. Photos of the paladins also made an appearance, and his heart hurt to see his seventeen-year-old self was grinning back in one of the older ones. Turning, he looked to see the wall behind them was filled with various books, circling around the doorframe he had just walked into.

Now that he thought about it, he could see that there was a room designed for each of them. The kitchen wasn’t in an Altean style anymore, but modeled after Hunk’s kitchen at home. There was a smaller, separate training room Lance had discovered a few days ago that he realized looked very similar to the Blade’s training room. He remembered what Keith had said about learning about his galran senses and wondered if the two were connected. He would be willing to bet there was a room somewhere on this ship that also helped Shiro in someway, though he hadn’t found it yet.

“Lance?”

Pidge’s voice pulled him back to her, reminding him that he wasn’t alone.

“Sorry. Zoned out.” He said, realizing she had been saying something. She pursed her lips, leaning forward a bit to examine him more closely.

“I’m sorry about the memory thing.” She finally sighed “I really hadn’t anticipated for it to work that way.” She twisted her hands together and gestured to where the TV sat in the corner of her workspace. “I’ve mainly been combing through the rest of his memories myself so… Nobody else has to see.” She said. Lance nodded, a little grateful.

“Were they useful?”

“Very. I have a list of places the new prison could be… If that is what they are making.” She told him, tapping her fingers thoughtfully on the counter next to her “I’m trying to narrow it down some more. I’m also getting a better gauge on the walkers.” She nibbled at her lip. “I… I did see some personal things. I tried not to watch too many of them. I’m sorry.” She frowned, looking down at her hands. Lance shrugged.

“It’s fine. Sometimes I wonder if any of it actually happened or if I’m losing my mind. It kind of helps to know there’s proof.” He told her. Pidge offered a sympathetic smile at that.

“If you want you can always use this.” She said, jerking her head towards the TV again “I don’t know if reliving memories is supposed to helpful or not, but if you ever want to just press that button.” She said, gesturing to the silver circle on top of the machine. Lance nodded again. He could see himself getting lost in something like that. Watching memory after memory – desperately trying to relive a life he no longer had.

“I might take you up on that.” He said and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I… I actually wanted to ask you something else too.” He said slowly, tasting the words on his tongue. Pidge tilted her head, hair spilling a bit to the side. “Something has happened recently. I don’t know what to think of it. I was hoping you could help.” He admitted “If you aren’t too busy.”

“Is this why you’ve been moody recently?”

“I’ve been moody recently because I’ve been evicted from my home after my second was murdered in front of me.” He told her dryly. Pidge flinched and he immediately regretted the coldness. “Fuck – sorry.” He closed his eyes “Sorry, I didn’t… I’m sorry.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration. “I’m a little stressed. I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“I’m listening.”

Lance took a long breath. He thought back to the previous week. The panic that had swallowed him whole before he went to the training room and just screamed until he tired himself out. Keith had found him there eventually and led him back to his room without a word.

“The counsel called me.” He began, gnawing at his lower lip “I thought… I thought they were going to tell me I could come back. It’s been almost five months now,” He sighed and shook his head “But they cut off my communicator instead. The one I have with Sonja.” He told her and brought out the white remote he had been given before going with Voltron. He clicked it to demonstrate its inability to contact the pilot. Pidge picked it up and examined it. “I need you to figure out where they are.” He said “I need to know that they are safe.”

“You think something happened?”

“They told me it was because of Sonja.” He shook his head “Which… Makes _sense_. She called to check on me too much and they needed some way of controlling her. She doesn’t take orders well. The counsel is probably keeping me from her as a source of inspiration to get her to behave.” He said and bit his tongue before continuing “They told me they’ll update me on their progress, but Pidge.” He turned to look at her in the eye “It’s driving me crazy. I don’t like being out of contact with my fleet.”

And he didn’t. Lance had kept tabs on Libertas almost obsessively. Even when he was at his lowest he still somehow managed to at least ask Sonja how they were doing before receding back into his shell again… But truthfully, the lack of contact wasn’t what was worrying him most. It was Marton. The alien had frowned as the council informed Lance of this decision. Ethia and Lonton had snickered, probably expecting Marton to join them at Lance’s (sort of) demotion, but paused when he only pursed his lips. If _Marton_ wasn’t concerned over Lance’s absence then he felt he had a reason to be worried.

Pidge nodded earnestly. It was something she understood – being out of touch and worried for someone galaxies away. Lance knew if anyone could find Sonja and the rest, it was her.

“I can do that.” She promised and Lance felt himself give the first real smile he had in days.

* * *

 

Keith was training.

He was always training, it seemed. That hadn’t changed in the years they had been apart. Lance watched as he twirled his sword around, taking down droid after droid after droid with endless amounts of energy. He seemed float to wherever he needed to go and striking with deadly precision as his weapon sliced through with barely any effort. It was only when the simulation ended that he wilted, hands going to his knees as he panted and slowed his breaths.

“I brought cake.” Lance announced and Keith jumped, probably not noticing Lance’s quiet entrance. He stared at him, eyes drifting from Lance’s face to the frosted pastry that he was holding. “Hunk helped me. We decided to make it red velvet since you’re the red paladin and all.” He informed him, stepping into the room. Keith frowned.

“Is it my birthday?” He asked, brows furrowing together. Lance resisted a smirk as he saw the older boy counting silently to himself, trying to figure out what day it was on Earth.

“No. This is an apology cake.” He said and held it out. “I’ve been picking fights… Sorry.” He finished lamely. Keith regarded the cake with some askance. He took it and picked up the spork Lance provided before narrowing his eyes. “Jeez, do you really think I would poison you?” Lance rolled his eyes. Shrugging, Keith muttered something that probably wasn’t kind before taking a tentative bite.

“You added almonds.” He said, sounding pleased. Lance felt his face soften a bit. It was a sort of childhood pleasure in his voice that so rarely found itself associated with Keith. “They’ve always been my favorite.” He murmured absently.

“I know.” He said. He was a little surprised that he knew that actually – he found that he always paid more attention to Keith than he realized. Keith was eating the cake more enthusiastically now, past suspicions now gone. “Does this mean I’m forgiven?”

“No.” Keith told him and took another bite. Right. Of course not. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“We see each other everyday.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Lance tensed. He knew what he meant. He just didn’t like it. Keith was eyeing him over in what should have been a serious manner, but the icing on his nose made it a little hard to be terribly daunted.

“You saw the memories,” He finally sighed “You were _angry_ over the memories.” He reminded him and Keith pursed his lips.

“I was… Upset that you loved someone who hurt you.”

“Kai never hurt me.” Lance snapped back quickly and Keith put the plate down, wiping the icing off his nose so that Lance was left to mourn how adorable it had kind of looked.

“I didn’t understand that at first. I just… I just saw that he was like the aliens that tortured you-”

“The half-galra is going to make that argument?” Lance frowned and Keith flinched. He didn’t regret not mincing his words. He had long passed the point where he was too soft to let people know the truth if it was justified. Still, he felt his chest tighten at the look of hurt that passed of the other boy’s face. “I appreciate the concern.” He added. He should have brought more apology cakes.

“Uh huh.” Keith hummed, dryly and crossed his arms. “What about the rest of it?”

“Let me guess – you are referring to the part where Kai constantly attempted to use aspects of you to gain my favor and very clearly thought I was going to ditch him for you?” Lance asked. Keith didn’t respond. He didn’t need to. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

“Lance…” He started and looked at him.

Right. There was apparently no escaping this.

“Come on.” He sighed, reaching over and tugging Keith’s hand. He looked startled by the movement, but didn’t bother to question where they were going. He let Lance drag him out of the training room and further into the maze of hallways until they had arrived at Lance’s Earth room. “Um,” He hesitated, fingers dancing over the keypad. “2381 is the password. If you… Ever need to find me.” He told him and the door slid open.

“2381?”

“As in twenty-three degrees North and eighty-one degrees West.” Lance explained. Keith looked confused. “Coordinates. To Veradero.” He clarified and understanding seemed to wash over the paladin when he stepped inside.

Lance had spent hours in the room since Coran had shown it to him. Sometimes, if he fell asleep in the sand, he could pretend he was waking up from a bad dream. There were moments he could pretend to feel Veronica’s presence next to him or hear Marco’s laugh in the distance.

“It… Wow.” Keith said, looking around “It looks just like it.” He commented and Lance tilted his head a bit at the statement. “I was at the funerals, remember?” He asked and Lance nodded. It was strange to think Keith had walked across his home without him there. He tried to imagine him under the bright sun, red and black clashing against the white beaches.

“Did you like it?” He asked, flopping on the sand. Keith kicked off his boots and sat down next to him, burying his feet into the ground. The water drifted up to them, almost touching, but not quite before receding back.

“No.” Keith told him bluntly and Lance pouted. Veradero was beautiful. Despite all of his intergalactic travels, he really couldn’t find anywhere else that could compare. Was Keith blind? “It was a bit difficult to enjoy given the circumstances – and the fact you weren’t there.”

Oh. He supposed that was fair.

The fake-sun poured on his face and Lance tilted his head to it, trying to soak it all in. They were silent for a moment and Lance took a long breath. He had brought Keith to his safe place for a reason. It was the only place he felt comfortable enough to be honest.

“You know, walkers have no concept of gender. Kai could have chosen to look like a girl if he wanted to.” He said and Keith’s eyes broke away from the fake waves to look at him. Lance stared at the sand, but he could feel the attention on him. “I thought it was a little strange at first. When, you know, he started making it clear that he liked me.” He shrugged, but there was a slight curl to his lips. Amusement. “But I never asked about it – I figured if he was comfortable looking like that, who was I to question it?” He said and bit his lip. “I started… Realizing other things though. He hated the color red, but he always wore it. He hated how long his hair was, but he didn’t change that either. He was an _amazing_ fighter – with a staff, at least. He really wanted to use a sword, though.” He mused and shook his head. “He didn’t really look like you aside from the eyes, but it was the little things like that. I…Eventually figured it out and…” He swallowed, lips pursing together as he tried to find a succinct answer to what Keith really wanted to know.

“I was confused, alright? I… I knew you were important to me. I didn’t want you to be, but there you were.” He said, gesturing vaguely towards him “I kept trying to shove it away, but with Kai… He knew me too well. He had access to my memories, feelings, private thoughts.” He said and Keith frowned “When I told him he could look, I mean.” Lance added and hunched his shoulders a bit more “Hell, Kai knew about you before _I_ did. But at that point… I wasn’t sure I would ever see you again and…Well. I had pushed it away so far. And Kai… He seemed to think if he just emulated things that we could just pretend you didn’t exist and just… Be happy, I guess.”

“Happy.” Keith repeated and Lance narrowed his gaze.

“Happy doesn’t mean all my problems went away. There was still Sendak. Still my family’s death hanging over everything. But I cared about him, Keith. A lot… I just didn’t realize I cared about you in the same way first.”

It was the most honest he had been in years. Keith’s eyes were on him, searching. Lance wasn’t sure if he would like what he found.

“And now?” He asked. Lance felt his heart stutter at the question. It was what he dreaded the most. He opened his mouth, confusion overwhelming him once more. He snapped it shut again. Keith waited.

“And now you’re right next to me.” He said, slowly. If anything, Lance wanted to make sure the words came out right. “And I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know how _you_ feel about _me_.” He admitted, voice going softer at the end. Keith visibly swallowed, eyes dancing over his face with no indication of what he could possibly be thinking.

“Does it make you angry?” He finally asked, “That he spent his entire time with you trying to be something other than what he was?” He asked and Lance felt himself smile a little. It was at least an answer he knew without much thought.

“No,” Lance answered and Keith furrowed his brows together. “If I had truly wanted him to be a hundred percent authentic then I wouldn’t have minded him in his natural form… But that was hard for me and he got that… He was as much of himself as he could be and I loved every part of it. Besides, I can’t be upset. I understand.” He shrugged “I know what it is like to come second to Keith Kogane time and time again. It is a cold shadow to be in. Especially when you don’t realize it’s winter.”

“I’m not good with metaphors.” Keith grumbled and a bit of fondness hit Lance. He looked at the empty plate of cake that Keith had taken with them and let his shoulders fall.

“Life is hard. Sometimes it is easy to blame things without understanding they are in similar situations.” He translated and Keith seemed to accept the answer gracefully. They went back to watching the waves for a few minutes. Lance felt himself relax a bit, the smell of sea salt melting the tension out of his shoulders.

“When we came here… There. To Veradero.” Keith clarified, voice a bit strained. Lance turned, patiently waiting for him to get out whatever he was having trouble admitting “I, uh. I used to sit on the beach and... I don’t know. There were a lot of things I wanted to tell you.” He shrugged, digging his feet a bit deeper into the sand. Lance offered a soft smile. He knew what that was like. He felt it now… He felt it always. If he had ten more minutes with his sister. His brothers. His mother… What would he say? The list kept growing every time he left himself think about it.

“Tell me now.” He said, sticking out on his legs so some of the water splashed on it. Keith went quiet and Lance wondered if he was going to get an answer. The seagulls screeched somewhere behind them.

“I want you to be okay.”

The words were said so directly and plainly that it left Lance reeling at the rawness of them. Keith must have read the alarm on his face because he quickly spoke again.

“I know it isn’t that simple. That bad things have happened and I can’t fix them for you, but… I would. If I could I would fix them all for you.” He said quietly and looked down at his hands “I’m sorry.”

There such defeat in the last of the words. So… Resigned. With a jolt, Lance felt a flash of recognition. The resignation Lance had associated with Keith all of his life suddenly clicked. It wasn’t resignation of being less than him or knowing he would never be worthy of his attention.

It was resigning himself to the fact he wouldn’t be able to fix him. To care so much about someone and letting them be broken… Lance felt his chest tighten. He knew if he ever had to chance to fix all of Keith’s problems he would do it without a second though. But he couldn’t. He shouldn’t. He’d known that for years now.

“I want you to be okay too.” He didn’t want Keith to be perfect – to be healed from the things life had done to him or to be at peace with all the wrongs in the universe. He just wanted him to be okay. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough.

Keith smiled at him and Lance had to commend them for making the entire situation gross and cheesy. He considered for a moment before letting a small smirk crawl on his face. Keith watched him with a raised eyebrow as Lance tucked his legs under him so he was on his knees.

“Come on.”

“What?”

“Let’s make a sandcastle.”

“A _sandcastle_?” Keith repeated “Really?” He snorted. Lance pushed the sand into a pile, leveling Keith with competitive eyes.

“Oh? Are you too _good_ to build a sand castle?” He demanded “I’m sorry. I should have known. You were too cool for the Garrison so you dropped out. Too cool for Voltron so you went to the Blade of _Mormons_ or something. Now-”

“Alright, alright!” Keith said, slightly shouting over him “Jeez. I’ll build your stupid sandcastle.”

“ _Stupid_ sandcastle? Well never mind then. I’ll build one without you.” He sniffed and when Keith reached over, slapped his hands away. “I bet you don’t even know how to build a sandcastle. You probably just throw some stuff in a pile and call it a masterpiece.”

“I’m sure it would be a masterpiece compared to whatever you made.”

“Is that a challenge, Kogane?”

“I think a challenge is supposed to imply some level of difficulty.” Keith snorted, crossing his arms. His smile eased the callous words. Lance felt himself grinning back.

After arguing for twenty minutes over whose sandcastle was better they dragged Hunk over to judge. Keith called bias when Hunk chose Lance so they pulled in Shiro who chose Keith. Allura was later brought in to break the tie – she had just decided to go with Lance when Pidge walked in and declared Keith’s a wonder of the universe. Coran would have been the sole decider if Yorak hadn’t come in and ruined both.

“I can’t believe you _betrayed_ me!” Lance told the wolf. All he received was a lick to the face.

“He was saving you from your inevitable failure.” Keith told him flatly. Lance gave a gasp, putting a hand over his heart. The fake-sun had made them all sweaty, which made the sand stick everywhere. He wasn’t sure how everyone else got so gross considering they were just sitting there, but Pidge offered the most obvious solution.

“Is this deep enough for me to drown, Coran?” She asked, wading into the waves. “Cause I can’t swim.”

“Pidge, _no_!” Hunk yelled after her and soon they were all splashing in after her. It turned out that Pidge could swim just fine. Coran on the other hand… Not so much. Luckily Yorak was able to zap him out of the water before licking the salt out of his mustache.

“Gross.” Keith deadpanned at the pair and Lance snickered, splashing some water at him. He had stripped off his shirt a little bit ago, not really thinking much of it until Keith’s hand was suddenly on his chest. His eyes widened, looking down. Most of his chest and back were filled with various scars. Some had healed into fine white lines while others were darker and jagged. His ribs had been cut so violently that Lance was sure it spelled something out on him, but never bothered to ask Kai what it meant. Keith’s fingers found the branding on his chest. It was still bold with his skin raised into a light pink hue.

“Oh, uh… Sorry.” He winced though he couldn’t say for certain what he was apologizing for. Water was dropping from Keith’s hair, distracting him a bit from the actual expression the other boy was wearing.

“Don’t be sorry.” He said “It’s the first time you’ve forgotten about them.”

Lance… Had no idea how he knew that. He supposed Keith had seen his hands constantly drifting to his chest. His ribs. His stomach. His throat. He probably knew that the marks weighed on him more than words could say. If he ever wanted to pin that year with the walkers as a bad dream then all he had to do was look in the mirror to prove himself wrong.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right.” He told him and Keith splashed him back.

Maybe being okay wasn’t entirely out of the question.

* * *

 

“Pidge thinks she knows where the transmission is coming from.”

Allura’s voice was nearly a whisper as she stirred him awake, shaking his shoulder with a bit of caution. He had fallen asleep in his bed hours ago after a shower – it had been surprisingly dreamless. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and glanced around the room. He hadn’t heard the sirens go off or an announcement. Allura must have decided to collect him personally.

“Oh.” He mumbled and yawned, sitting up so he could stretch a bit. Allura watched him with wary eyes, lip caught under her teeth. “You, alright?” He asked her, raising an eyebrow. She twisted her hands together.

“I knew.” She blurted out and Lance wanted to go back to bed immediately. He forced himself to process the question instead, shaking his head.

“Allura, we’ve talked about this-”

“Not about Kai. About before. Before any of this.” She gestured ambiguously and closed her eyes “I… The mice told me.” She finally breathed out “About how you felt during the time Lotor was with us. I never… I just…” She trailed off and despite the (literal) rude awakening, he couldn’t help but feel indignant towards the mice for ratting him out all those years ago.

“Where _are_ the mice anyways?” He asked, realizing he hadn’t seen them during the many months in the ship. Allura frowned.

“I – With Romelle in the colony.” She told her “I visit them occasionally – did you miss what I said before?” She asked and hesitantly grabbed his desk chair to sit on. His chest squeezed at the reminder, but he forced himself to smile. He had thought a lot about Allura during the time he had been with Kai. He had learned a lot from the experience.

“I liked you.” He finally told her with a shrug “In a more than friends way.” He said and the words seemed to drain of her energy. She stared at her hands “It was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.” He added and at this her eyes, snapped to his, wide with worry. “And I am _so_ glad you had higher standards than me.” He said, trying to throw in a joke. Allura cringed a bit at it.

“I don’t think Lotor counts as higher standards.” She muttered and a stab of sympathy ran through him. He grabbed her hand.

“Hey, you thought he understood you. That he saw the world in a way you thought nobody else could share with you. That’s… An amazing thing to have. Don’t be ashamed for wanting it.” He told her “It was a mistake because he ended up being a sucky person, but it wasn’t a mistake to fall for someone.” He said, trying to keep his voice gentle and reassuring “What I meant before is that I’m happy I got the chance to figure out what it meant to really like someone. I never had that before you. It was all superficial. It helped me figure out what I really wanted.” He explained. She was beautiful. And smart. And perfect in every way he could think of.

And yet, he now saw that he loved her in a way he wasn’t sure he wanted anymore.

“So you don’t hate me?” She clarified. Lance smiled. He really shouldn’t have avoided her. It was cruel now that he thought about it.

“No, I don’t. I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good friend lately.”

“Don’t say that!” She told him, scandalized, “You’ve been… Busy. I should be too, quite honestly.”

“Busy suffering, you mean.” He said weakly and shook his head “Did you know I had two panic attacks this morning? Then Shiro and I got into it and…” He trailed off, rubbing his temples “I’ve been a moody, unstable mess. People keep trying to help me and I usually have a few hours where I’m determined to get better but…” He shook his head “Sometimes I just get so angry.” He admitted. It was easy to open up with her, he realized. That was probably what drew him to her in the first place.

“I understand.” She told him, running a hand through her hair. It must have been a new habit she picked up now that she cut it. He hadn’t ever seen her do it before. “Can I ask you something else?” She frowned and Lance tilted her head for her to continue. “Keith…?”

Lance groaned. Allura smirked a little at it, abandoning the conversation at his whine. Shaking his head, he went to go change.

“If Pidge located the transmission, are we going there soon?” He asked and Allura nodded. He considered what the next few days might be like. He could very well be heading into another prison – and he had no idea how they were planning on protecting themselves from the walkers. He shivered a bit at the thought of them prying through his mind.

“We’ll protect you.” Allura told him, as if reading his thoughts herself. Lance clenched his jaw. It was his protection he cared the least. He was pretty sure if one more person died on him he might actually need to be tucked away in a loony bin. Anxiety twisted in his stomach. Was there anyway he could go in there himself? He didn’t think so… Unless…

_Theoretically_ , if he could get the coordinates before Pidge delivered them he could take a pod there himself. Except for the fact Pidge still knew the coordinates and could follow him there. Not to mention he had no way to protect himself properly and he had no idea what he was walking into.

He imagined Coran’s face frowning at him for even considering the idea. He tried to tell himself it wasn’t him simplifying pain, but looking for a solution to minimize future pain. So, technically, it could even be considered an improvement from his previous line of thinking.

Probably. Maybe.

Sighing, he rubbed his eyes again. Allura tapped his shoulder and held out her hand.

“I found this awhile ago with your old things. I was wondering if you still wanted it?” She asked and he turned to find her holding a worn picture he had kept in his wallet all throughout his time in the first Castle of Lions.

His mother beamed back at him. The paper was crinkled from how much he had folded and unfolded it, but he could still make out the glow of her face as she threw an arm around Marco and his abuela. Luis and Veronica were in the middle of tugging each other’s hair, hitting a thirteen-year-old Lance who looked outraged at becoming collateral damage.

“I thought I had lost this.” He admitted. When he went back to space for the second time, he hadn’t planned much. He grabbed whatever was nearest and left. It had hurt to realize when he settled into the Rebellion issues quarters that he had left it behind.

“I meant to give it to you sooner, but…” Allura paused to give him an apologetic smile “I wasn’t sure you would still want it.”

Lance tucked the photo in his pocket before pulling her into a hug. He hoped Lotor never came back from the dead – Lance would shave his head for hurting her. She tightened her hold on him and he wondered if she had been just as lonely as he was.

* * *

 

“I have something for you.”

Keith’s voice pulled him away from staring out the window, watching the ship shoot past thousands of unknown stars. Pidge had given her speech – complete with coordinates and a half-made plan she was still cooking up with Shiro. He was supposed to get involved with that as soon as Shiro finished taking a nap.

“If you try to get me to eat more through the guise of gifts, I’m not falling for it.” He replied flatly. Personally, he thought his eating habits had improved tremendously since he first arrived. Hunk did not agree and personally enlisted Keith as his ally in his battle to make sure Lance got proper nutritional value.

“Nothing gets by you.” Keith told him, completely deadpanned. Lance snorted, letting his head fall back a bit so he could glance up.

“Does the concept of up and down in space fuck you up sometimes?” He asked and Keith cleared his throat “Right. Sorry. I’m focused.” He smiled and turned to give the other paladin his full attention. Keith looked a bit red suddenly, though it could have been some weird lighting. He thrust out his hand and Lance peered inside to see two glimmering crystals inside. Oh. So _that_ was what he had bought in Joxel. The reminder of the gaggle of aliens flailing around him brought a surge of annoyance again, but he ignored it in favor of delicately picking up the gift curiously. “They’re beautiful.” He told him, examining them more closely. They were a dusty blue – almost purple in the right lighting and shaped like marbles with the inside containing a white light in the middle.

“It’s filled with quintessence,” Keith explained and dropped next to him “The priests at Joxel take pieces of it and put it in calming crystals. It is supposed to help with panic attacks.” He explained with a small shrug. “I figured after what happened earlier…” He trailed off and Lance felt a lump form in his throat. He closed his hands around the crystals, hand moving them closer to his chest. Keith was fidgeting, not quite meeting his eyes. “I, uh, was going to get them put in a necklace or something so you wouldn’t have to carry them around or anything, but considering we are probably meeting the walkers tomorrow I figured you might need them now.” He said and wrung his hands together. “So…Yeah.” He finished lamely.

Lance felt the incessant need to kiss him. Technically, they had broken the 'shirt always on' rule earlier. Perhaps they could break this one as well... He refrained though, instead settling with moving closer so he could grab his hands, stopping them from moving.

“Thank you.” He said quietly. They were close. Too close. It was a bit silly to think that – they had been sleeping together for a while, but there had always been a firm barrier between them. Keith must have felt similarly because he swallowed and leaned a bit more into him.

It was strange. Lance felt the situation was a pretty straightforward one. He could definitely kiss him. He could definitely let himself run his hands through his hair and bury himself deep within the comfort of being with him. It wasn’t unrealistic at this point and the thought of it was highly appealing.

Then he remembered that they were heading to an area filled with creatures that would remind him of Kai and he pulled away. Keith didn’t look surprised.

“I’m sorry.” He said, quietly “I keep… I keep dragging you along with me.” He sighed. Wariness settled over him. Keith definitely didn’t deserve this. Shiro was right – he had worked hard to be good to him. And Lance took it all for granted because he felt entitled to the comfort after all the trauma.

“No, you’re not.” Keith frowned “I’m…Walking next to you.” He said and there was a slight smile in his voice. It took Lance a minute to realize why.

“You used a metaphor.” He snorted and Keith’s grin widened. What an absolute dork. How did he ever think this guy was cool? He thought back to watching him train earlier and he was instantly reminded. “Well if you ever want to stop walking it’s okay.” He said. Keith rolled his eyes.

“I’m following your lead, Lance. It’s whatever you want.”

“But what about what _you_ want?” He asked. Keith considered.

“You were right before. Back with Libertas.” He clarified when Lance rose an eyebrow “I came here and… I’ve gained a lot. More than I ever thought I would. And you’ve… Lost so much. Right now it makes me feel better to help you.” He said. That should bother Lance. He knew it should. He should be offended or… Hurt. Or something. But he couldn’t be. Not when the words were said so gently and… uncomfortably. Like Keith was having trouble getting them out. “So yeah. You’re in charge, I guess. Unless you decide to go back to sleeping all day. Then I’ll get a bucket of water out again.”

Lance snorted.

“You know, there will probably be more of those days. They sometimes just hit me.”

“I know.”

“Please don’t dump water on me.”

“I’ll…Try other methods first.”

It wasn’t reassuring, but Lance would take it. He put the crystals in his pocket – he had a feeling he would actually need them soon – and rose, offering a hand to Keith. They did have a plan to figure after all. When Keith took it, he didn’t bother to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the next chapter is my favorite in the entire fic. I won't tell if that's a good or bad thing. 
> 
> Again thank you all for your comments! They make me so happy and keep me motivated. A special shout out to ThisOneIsBlue, Whateves1, and punshine. You guys always leave such wonderful things that make me scream in my pillow from happiness <3


	7. Welcome to Libertas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the last update was kind of weird - MAKE SURE YOU READ CHAPTER 6 FIRST! You might have missed it because of all the technical difficulties. 
> 
> If you have read it - cool. Welcome back. Enjoy :D
> 
> Disclaimer: i feel like I honestly don't have to do these for every chapter but... Voltron is still not mine

“Let’s go over the plan again.”

Lance would say he had a pretty good level of patience. He wasn’t a _saint_ or anything, but he could generally put up with more than the average guy. In fact, he prided himself on keeping his cool when other people might lose all willpower and slap a bitch.

However… If Shiro made them walk through this fucking plan _one more time_ he might kick his ass back into that astral plane he had inhabited for a year.

Hunk must have felt the same way because he made a slight choking nose and pressed his palms together like he might start praying. Shiro ignored him, instead waiting patiently for someone to start talking.

“Lance?” He decided and the ex-paladin in question pinched his nose. First Shiro had told them the plan. Then he made Pidge repeat it to him. Then Hunk. Then Coran. Then Keith. Then Allura. He supposed it was now his turn.

“Okay,” He gritted out, trying to find his zen place. He thought back to the room Coran had designed for him and smiled a little to himself “So we don’t know what this place is going to be. Therefore we are going to split into two teams: You, Hunk, and Allura as one and me and Keith as the other. Since Pidge is still combing through Kai’s memories she will stay with Coran. They will both be monitoring our activity to lead us away from potential threats.” He started, voice level, but not quite able to keep the annoyance out of his tone.

Shiro nodded.

“And what is supposed to be on the _entire time_?” He asked. Lance sighed. He deserved that, he supposed.

“Our communication link. I won’t turn it off.” He promised, warily “Since the walkers can gauge our memories our comms are the only way to know if the person we are talking to isn’t a walker – but if our comms go off… By _accident_ then there is a back-up plan.” He said and pulled out the four slips of paper. They were each colored: Pink, Orange, Black, and Red. “If our comms go off and we run into someone else we need to see if they have the matching slip of paper. For example,” He droned on, not bothering to hide the boredom in his voice “If I run into Hunk I will pull out the orange paper and he will hold out the blue. Neither of us know what the paper says because Pidge wrote them. If we open them up and they say the same thing then we know the person is really them.” He explained. It was pretty clever – the walkers wouldn’t be able to figure out what was on the papers either since only Pidge knew what was written on each of the papers. It had been Keith’s idea.

“And then what?”

“If our papers match then we head directly to the ship because we have no other ways of differentiating ourselves from the walkers.” He said “We spend only an hour – sorry for the Earth terms, Allura – an hour scouting and then we _have_ to go back.” He finished and held out his hands in a placating gesture “Did I pass?”

Shiro narrowed his eyes.

“And your comms…?”

Dear God.

“They stay on.” Lance reassured him with every shred of patience he had left. Luckily for him, the black paladin seemed pleased by his answers and nodded. Lance turned to Keith and shook his head. The red paladin gave him a hint of smile, perhaps sympathizing, but not wanting to admit it.

“Hey, what’s the plan again?” He asked lowly as Lance turned to fall on the couch. Scowling, he aimed a kick at him, smirking when Keith dodged it gracefully with a soft laugh. Pidge rolled her eyes at them, but her expression was indulgent as she tapped her fingers on the counter, chin propped in her hand. She had been working hard to track down Sonja and the others – Lance could tell. Still, all she had been able to find is that they were alive and well. Lance supposed it was enough for him at the moment.

“We’re coming onto the coordinates.” Coran informed them, humming a bit as he looked at the map “There isn’t a planet here – but there are pieces of a planet scatters about. My guess is it is the remainder of a planet Zarkon destroyed long ago.” He told them and the room instantly sobered at the thought.

“What planet was the last prison on?” Hunk asked, tilting his head at Lance. He shrugged. He hadn’t known where he was – only that he had woken up there after the ship he was in crashed.

“It was called Motilen.” Pidge answered, rubbing her eyes. “Walkers have three planets – Kai was born on one called-”

“Mozon.” Lance frowned, nodding thoughtfully. “Yeah, I remember that. He said not a lot of people lived there because the food was scarce. Most people came to the planet where the prison was.” He frowned and bit the inside of his lip. This new one seemed much better hidden then the previous one. He wasn’t sure what that meant. He liked to think they were simply wary after Libertas destroyed their last 'energy center', but something in his stomach twisted uncomfortably and told him it might be more.

“Everyone suit up.” Shiro called “And remember-”

“Keep your comms on.” Lance interrupted him before he could say it. The older man fixed him with a look and he grinned back sheepishly. As if to prove his point, he shoved his helmet on flicked on the comms. Shiro shook his head and turned away.

“You’re going to stay with me this time, right?” Keith asked and Lance bumped him slightly.

“If you can keep up.”

“Please.” Keith scoffed, but relaxed at the jab. The ship stopped moving.

They were here.

* * *

 

The ruins of the planet were completely desecrated. The ground was filled with rocks and broken buildings that had long been abandoned. There were signs of pastures, but they looked as though someone had torched them. It reminded Lance of something he might see in death… Like ghosts should be roaming about.

The one building that was standing was clearly built recently. It stood tall and sturdy among the rubble – a golden arch hovering above the entrance with alien writing inscribed on it. Allura raised her hand to it, snapping a picture with her armor.

“Can you translate the name for us, Pidge?” She asked over the comms.

“Yeah – It’ll take me a bit though. You’re good to go in. According to the scans, there’s nobody here.”

“Are you sure you got the right coordinates?” Hunk frowned, eyes flicking the building up and down. Pidge gave an offended huff from the other end of the line.

“Yes, I’m sure. Maybe they just hadn’t caught anybody yet?” She suggested and Lance felt his hair rise as he looked at the building a bit more.

It was… Beautiful in some respects. Plants curled up the side so that fluorescent flowers bloomed on the walls. Grass had been planted around it with a stone pathway that had led up to the entrance. He could see there were stained glass windows that almost made it look like a place of worship. Stars and planets loomed in the background.

“It seems strange that nobody would be watching it – are you sure walkers show up on the scan?” Shiro asked. There were a few clicks from Pidge’s end.

“Yes.” She answered tersely “According to Kai’s memories anyways. They should show up on my scans just fine.”

“Let’s get inside before someone _does_ come,” Lance suggested, tugging Keith’s arm to get him to start walking. “You guys take left and we’ll take right.” He ordered, absently forgetting he wasn’t the commander of these people. Nevertheless, they listened, splitting up with their weapons raised and eyes wary. Keith kept close to his side as they started down the first hallway.

Pidge was right. Nobody was here. That didn’t make the building any less horrific, unfortunately. Once you got past the main area (that looked a bit like a dentist’s waiting room in his opinion) it brought you down a longer hallway painted a dark violet with doors on either side. There were perhaps six doors in the first one. They opened one to find a cell not too different to the one Lance had stayed it. It was entirely stone with chains on the walls and a small window. There were tables filled with instruments on the other wall that were locked. Lance could only guess what most would do – he recognized some that had been used on him.

“They named the rooms.” Keith’s voice said. He turned to see him gently touching a golden plaque on the side of one of the doors. He peered over his shoulder.

_Ethia_

Lance frowned. He pushed past Keith to let his fingers run over the gold plating, digging into grooves. Beneath it was a small, white slate that had a small circular symbol next to it. He swallowed. He knew the symbol well – it was what was branded on him.

“What’s it mean?” Keith asked him and he let his hand fall. His eyes flickered back to the name and felt his stomach give a sharp twist, but ignored it.

“It’s… Like a dollar sign. I’m guessing this is where they’ll put the price of the person’s pain here.” He answered and absently let his hand trail over his heart. Keith said nothing so Lance turned away to look at the next cell. It was identical to the first, though the plague did change. It had the same slate underneath the golden plaque, but a different name was inscribed.

_Lonton_

His heart pounded. His hand went to the pocket in his armor where he had put the crystals Keith had gave them. He pressed them firmly against him, steadying his breathing as the panic built up. It wavered and was quickly tapered back down. The hallway suddenly seemed much eerier – which was an impressive feat really. Lance figured a torture chamber that looked like a cross between a corporate building and medieval castle could not get any creepier.

“Pidge,” He called calmly, “I think we need to leave soon.”

He walked to the next door.

_Mion_

“Why? What’s wrong?” Hunk’s voice demanded sharply over the comms. Keith gave a sharp intake and turned to look at Lance with wide eyes. He had figured it out too then. Lance took a few steps towards him and let the final blow hit him as he read the next plaque.

_Sonja_

“Someone just landed.” Pidge’s voice told them sharply. “I don’t know who it is – hide.” She instructed and Keith grabbed his wrist, pulling him into one of the rooms. They both pressed themselves against the wall, out of sight from anyone who might be walking by. For a few minutes, there was nothing and Lance almost snapped at Pidge for startling them, but the sound of feet slapping against the stone floor took the words out of him.

“See?” A voice said with an air of exasperation “Nobody is _here_. Like I told you. The distress signal was elusive enough that not even Voltron can track it down.”

“How do we know they even got it?”

“I’ve been keeping a close eye on the commander. I know him well – he tried to hide it, but he was shaken the last time we spoke. The signal did its job.” Came the snippy response. The footsteps had stopped beside the cell Keith and Lance were currently huddled in. He could feel Keith’s eyes turn to him, wide and alarmed.

“Do you really think the signal was necessary? After Kai’s death you said he was already unstable-”

“I have been planning this moment for almost five years now.” Came the cool response, cutting the other person off “Do you think I would risk losing it because I did not go to all the lengths I could to _break_ this human?”

“I just meant-”

“I convinced Sendak it was the right move to kill his family. I sent the Galra ship to him on his last Rebellion mission and when he shot it down _I_ was the one who brought him to your filthy prison.” Came a sneer and Lance could hear the other person take a few steps away from the speaker “I turned Torren against Voltron, which tempted him into bringing them in the alliance. I told Sendak to go to Daizen and I told Kai that Mion’s walls would not hold Sendak.”

Lance held his breath.

“I have done everything in my power to make sure that boy is broken beyond repair so that he is a ticking bomb. Do you _really_ want to question me on this front?”

Silence.

“No.” Came the whispered response. There was a hum of approval and Lance swallowed.

He had come back to Earth to learn of his loved ones' death. Had _watched_ someone he loved die. He had seen war and pain and been tortured. He had killed and _been_ killed.

Yet… He had never been betrayed before. Out of everything that has happened to him, he hadn’t been stabbed in the back. At one point, he had clung to that fact. Taking refuge in that he had done something right in his life. Nobody had manipulated his emotions and used them for evil.

Until now.

Cold, unrestrained anger worked its way into his veins. All he wanted to do was walk out in the hallway and start shooting. Keith’s grip on him tightened, pushing him harder into the wall. He shook his head desperately, pinning him in place. Lance pressed harder against the crystals.

“I’m glad.” Came the flat response. “Now remember, when we drop you off on Voltron’s ship keep your natural form. If the distress signal didn’t mess with the commander’s head then seeing you in person will. Look at my memories and look at his to get an accurate comparison to Kai. Voltron will see through you – Lance will not. Grief leads to irrationality and when Voltron attacks you it will be enough to crack him for good.”

“Attacks me?” Came a nervous laugh “If all of Voltron attacks me could the commander really protect me? Or am I another life to sacrifice for your cause?”

The words were high and scared, but the last sentence was cutting enough to hold some ire to it. There was a pause before the answer came.

“Voltron won’t kill Lance McClain. They don’t have the will to. And so as long as he stands between you and them, you will be safe. It is Voltron who is in danger. When the final blow hits that boy he will surely kill them all. Then I’ll be done with those stupid Altean lions.” Came the low growl. Lance closed his eyes. He was pretty sure he was bruising himself by holding the crystals so hard. He waited for them to walk away, but there was only silence.

“Are… Are you injured?” The walker’s voice asked, suddenly sounding perplexed. Keith stiffened beside him. Shit.

“What? Of course not!”

“I… I tasted something.” The walker said, voice laced with a bit of wariness “We should check the cells.”

Lance’s hand tightened around his gun. He tensed the other one, ready to knock Keith off of him and out of the way the second the door was opened. There was a long sigh and a door was clanged open. Lance heard some shuffling and then another door was banged open.

“Are you sure you aren’t just hungry?” Came an irritated huff. “Perhaps there was some rodent dying somewhere.”

“A rodent’s pain doesn’t taste like that.” The walker said, “This was…” It trailed off, not able to find the words to properly express whatever they were trying to say. There was a groan of annoyance and the sound of retreating footsteps. Lance saw the door on their cell open slightly. A heavy sigh followed.

“Fine.” The walker grumbled to seemingly nobody and the door shut again, the second pair of footsteps following. Keith let out a small breath. Lance hadn’t noticed he had his sword pointed directly out in front of them. They didn’t speak, waiting for confirmation that they were gone.

“They… They left.” Pidge whispered and everything unfroze – as if he had pressed a pause button on life and someone had just clicked play.

Lance had felt plenty of things in his life. He had been kind of like a firecracker. Loud, explosive… Full of color and momentarily breathtaking before anyone realizes there are millions of others like it. He felt earnestly and with everything he had. At one point, his mother told him he had felt everything there was to feel in the world.

She had been wrong.

Lance hadn’t felt this before. Not this… Blackness. This abyss swallowing him whole and dissecting his heart so that it could bleed for all eternity. It was like the ground had disappeared, but instead of falling you just had to anticipate your demise. Like drowning in air.

He finally had the answer he had sought after desperately since his family died: why. There was no comfort. The explanation brought no relief. The only thing that came was sharp, hot anger. Hatred he hadn’t known seeping into his bones. He suddenly understood Hagger for a moment. Her need to destroy and to lash out. If she felt this way all the time, Lance could feel his heart beat with hers in sympathy.

He had thought nothing could compare to his family dying. Hell, Kai’s death hurt. Badly. But it hadn’t been the same. Nothing could have hurt like that…

“It was all to destroy Voltron.” He said. The words weren’t really meant for anyone, but he knew the team could all hear them. “It… It was all just an elaborate plan to get me to kill you. Because the galra never could and they know you wouldn’t hurt me. That you wouldn’t defend yourself from me.”

“No. No that doesn’t make sense-” Allura started with a bit of hysterical desperation to her voice. Lance slammed his comms off and stalked away, ignoring Keith’s call to him. He walked into the next hallway.

_Talia_

_Oxfon_

_Tillen_

_Marton_

No. It wasn’t just Voltron. It was Libertas too. He walked up the staircase and into another hallway. More names. Names he knew. Names of people he protected. That he _trusted_.

_Lance_

The cell was bigger than the rest. He stepped inside, expecting to see the same instruments of torture that the others held, but there was nothing. All that was there was a small, green cube. He walked over and picked up, brows furrowing in confusion.

_“Hey, Lance!”_

God, when would it _end_?

“ _Mr. Holt gave us your video – God, we were so worried. Don’t ever do that again! We leave you alone for a couple months and you decide to go gallivanting to space? Hermano, mom is so going to kill you. Space hero or not, your ass is grounded.”_

He wondered who had this video. If it was waiting for him at the Garrison or found in his home along with their bodies. He had to hand it to the walkers… This was probably a better torture than anything else they had tried.

“Lance.”

Keith’s voice was strained. His eyes focused on the cube in the boy’s hand. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a blue piece of paper. Lance sighed, yanking out the red one. Defeat was washing over him that conflicted deeply with that rage that hadn’t quite retreated.

_Purple_

Pidge’s handwriting was sloppy and rushed across the paper. He held it out and saw Keith’s said the same. He stood, figuring he should probably stick to the plan. He had learned all he needed to know.

* * *

 

“That’s why the council cut me off.” Lance said, pacing the length of the ship “She plans on leading Sonja and the rest of the fleet to the prison… We have to contact them. Pidge?” He asked. It was probably unfair to always ask her to find the time-sensitive information… But then again, she was the only one who could.

“Give me a couple hours. I can do it.” She told him, eyes steeled with determination.

“Is it the entire council who is in on this?” Hunk asked and Lance sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“No. I saw other members' names in the prison. Marton. Ethia. Lonton.” He gnawed at his lower lip “It’s just her. It’s just Lina.” He repeated quietly. Everyone was watching him with tired eyes. Another tragedy. Another breakdown, surely. Lina may not have needed a walker to break him after all.

It was strange… For some reason, he felt strangely whole. Not better, necessarily. Or… Good. Just. Collected. As if his mind had temporarily pulled itself together for the sole purpose of taking Lina down. He bit at his lower lip. Part of him kind of hoped this was another clone thing. That Lina hadn’t actually turned on him… Why would she? Why would she want Voltron gone when the galra destroyed her home? It didn’t make any sense. It clearly wasn’t a spur of the moment decision – she had planned this for years. Since Lance took that bomb for Coran.

Why would she even work with the walkers? After all, she had been a prisoner there too. Kai had –

Lance froze. His eyes snapped to Pidge. Taking a long, calming breath he forced himself to prepare for the reality of what the next five seconds would bring him and met her gaze.

“Was Kai in on this?” He asked quietly. Sure, Lina made it sound like she had been responsible for his death, but that meant nothing. Double crossing wasn’t an uncommon tactic. Pidge’s eyes widened.

“No! Jesus, Lance – _no_.” She told him with a fierce shake of her head “I’ve been through so many of his memories – nothing suggests that he knew about this.” She promised him. Lance said nothing. He was suddenly drained of everything he had. “Lance,” Pidge called to him gently “I saw the day he rescued Lina. It was exactly what he said. He promised she would come back and rescue the others. She never mentioned you or any of that.” She told him and Lance nodded. Perhaps the real betrayal was doubting Kai… But then again he once would have thought the same about Lina.

“We need to head to one of Libertas’ bases.” Lance finally said, “I don’t know which one the council is at, but at the very least we can pick up some allies.” He said slowly, but uncertainty nibbled at him. Maybe Lina wasn’t the only one who betrayed him – there could be others. Maybe nobody was actually loyal to him after all and it was all a rouse. A fucked up game to kill his last bit of humanity.

“Give me the coordinates,” Allura said and Lance rambled off the nearest one. “We should also be aware that a walker will try and break onto the ship… Should we try the papers again?” She asked, walking to the helm of the ship so that it lit up at her touch. Hunk was shaking his head.

“We are all on the ship – who would write the words?” He asked “It might be better if we just remain next to each other until we get this sorted out.” He suggested and Lance felt his nose wrinkle slightly at that. He had been hoping to digest some of this alone. The last thing he wanted was more eyes on him as he tried to sort out his emotions… Then again, he supposed he should be used to it. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. After a few more seconds of tuning the others out, he took out the crystals again and started rolling them absently in his hands.

“You should sleep.”

His eyes snapped up to find Keith watching him. Lance rolled his eyes. Really? Sleep? After all of that? Yorak popped up next to him to give a slight bark of approval. Lance smiled weakly and rubbed the wolf’s head.

“There’s not much to be done right now.” Keith continued with a shrug. Yorak perked at his voice and trotted over to him. Keith started petting him absently. “Might as well get some rest.”

“I’m not tired.” He said flatly and Keith tutted a bit at that. “Besides, we are supposed to be watching each other apparently.” He grumbled a bit. God, if he only had ten minutes in his Varadero room…

“Maybe we should eat.” Hunk suggested and Lance turned to find the paladin’s eyes fixed on him. “Allura, now that you set the coordinates are we all good to head to the kitchen?” He suggested. Pidge gave a hum in agreement as she rose, rubbing her eyes and picking up her laptop which started beeping at her.

“Did you find them that quickly?” Shiro asked, sounding incredibly impressed. Pidge looked down at her computer and pursed her lips. She gave a shake of her head and snapped it laptop closed.

“No, that was the translation of the name of the prison that Allura sent me.” She said and Lance thought back to the golden arch with alien writing sprawled across. He had forgotten about it.

“What does it say?” Allura asked and Pidge pushed up her glasses, tucking her laptop under her arm. She fixed Lance with a long look before sighing.

“It read 'Welcome to Libertas'.”

* * *

 

Hunk had asked if Lance would help him cook. Considering Lance had always been a dire sous chef, he assumed there was some ulterior motive for this as he handed him a few knives and instructed him to start cutting some kind of pink vegetable.

Everyone else was at the table directly in front of the kitchen. Far enough away where they couldn’t hear each other’s conversations but close enough to where everyone was within eyesight of one another. Pidge was typing diligently away, mumbling to herself as she worked. Shiro and Allura were speaking lowly to one another and Coran was currently trying to speak to Yorak while Keith watched on in alarm.

“Remember when we tried to make pizza at the Garrison?”

Hunk’s voice drew him away from the other members of the team. He was watching Lance carefully – a precise amount of space between them as he handed him something else to chop up. Lance digested the question, trying to remember what Hunk was referencing.

“Um… Oh!” He blinked, the memory suddenly resurfacing “You mean when we snuck out to use the cafeteria and Iverson almost caught us catching the place on fire?” He asked, thinking back to their younger antics. It all seemed a bit distant. Almost as if it hadn’t really happened. Hunk grinned.

“Yeah – I told you a _thousand_ times that it was a bad idea, but you insisted we would be fine.” He snorted. It was a familiar tale. That was basically how _everything_ worked in the Garrison. Lance having an idea, Hunk telling him it was a bad one, and Lance promising they would be fine.

It was almost never fine.

Still, despite Lance’s track record Hunk still believed him every time… Or maybe he was more willing to get in trouble than he let on.

“You stressed me out so much back then…And now, I guess.” Hunk mused, swirling something together in a bowl.

“Sorry,” Lance told him automatically and pushed some newly chopped vegetables towards him. Hunk picked some up and tossed them in a different bowl before handing Lance some dough and ordering him to roll it out.

“Nothing to be sorry about.” He continued and paused “I should be sorry.” He said and leaned against the counter. “We stopped doing that sort of thing when we got to space.”

“Are you forgetting our favorite galran sentry?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Hunk’s lips twitched at that. That robot rested among the stars with the rest of the heroes of the universe, bless it.

“Yeah, I guess. Didn’t feel the same though.” He admitted and Lance slowed his hands down, letting the dough squeeze through his fingers “Tell me something good.” He instructed and Lance blanked for a moment.

“Something good?” He repeated warily, still flattening the dough. Hunk hummed, raising an eyebrow in a silent challenge. Lance thought for a moment, mind reeling.

“Uh… We’re alive.” He suggested weakly “For now at least.”

“True. That’s pretty good.” Hunk said without missing a beat. “My turn. Before we left Earth again, Shiro gave Iverson a black eye for kicking Keith out of the Garrison.” He grinned and Lance felt his lips curl at the news. He hadn’t heard of that.

“Tell me more.”

“No way!” Hunk laughed “Your turn.”

Lance felt a pout crawl onto his lips, but didn’t argue as he mulled over his options. Something good, something good, something good…

“I saved this alien about two years ago… When I first joined Libertas.” He started slowly and his mind flicked to the blue and purple alien who had been so scared and tired. Nevertheless, she had persevered for several hours until she was safely out of the building that had collapsed over her. “Before we flew to Diazen we visited her again. Turns out she just had a kid… She named him Lance.” He smiled a bit at the memory. He had admittedly cried when he had learned of that. His heart ached a bit. Hunk smiled at him, eyes glistening over slightly.

“That’s… That’s really good.” He said, possibly for a lack of anything better to say. His face said enough though.

“Your turn.”

“My moms got married.” He said brightly “I missed the wedding cause… Well. Space, but they had another just for me to attend. I was obviously the best man…of honor.” He smirked, pleased with the fusion of the terms. Lance felt himself smiling back. He had met Hunk’s parents before. The two were so helplessly in love that he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything but happiness at the news. Hunk handed Lance some flour.

“I’m teaching Sonja Spanish. She told me she’ll teach me Altean eventually.”

“Keith called Krolia mom the last time she visited. He didn’t even notice that he did it until Krolia started crying.”

It went on like that for a while. Hunk and Lance tossing good news at one another while Hunk slowly added more tasks to Lance’s cooking list. Every time Lance started to burn or ruin any of it, Hunk would jump in to correct it before resuming the game. Lance’s mind became so concentrated on keeping up, he barely kept up with that he was saying.

“Kai wanted to get married.” He said absently and Hunk almost dropped the plate he had been depositing food on. Lance paused, realizing what he had admitted as Hunk gaped at him, mouth parted and eyes wide. “I mean,” He rectified quickly “Obviously marriage is an Earth thing. He didn’t really get what it meant. I just told him that when humans wanted to spend the rest of their life with one person then you had a big ceremony.” He said and smiled a bit at the memory of Kai’s earnest eyes watching him as he explained what marriage meant to his family.

“Did you want to?” Hunk asked, voice quiet. Lance paused for a second before slowly shaking his head. A bit of guilt nibbled at him with the admission, but he pushed it away.

“Don’t…. Get me wrong. It wasn’t like that.” He said carefully and paused in mixing the sauce he was creating “I just…Walkers didn’t have anything like that in their culture. I figured if I was going to marry anybody it would be someone who understood it.” He shrugged. Hunk’s eyes flicked across the room for a moment before settling back on Lance.

“That makes sense.” He told him and tugged the sauce away “Feeling better?” He asked and Lance tilted his head.

“What?”

“Are you feeling better?” He repeated, “I figured I would improve your coping method because you suck at it.” He said bluntly. Lance spluttered, hand resting against his chest in offense.

“What is that supposed to mean?!” He demanded and Hunk laughed, putting more food on each of the plates.

“You. Avoiding your problems. If you’re going to do that, you might as well think of good things. If you’re going to try and distract yourself from the bad things going on, you might as well be productive.” He said and gestured to the meal in front of them. Lance stared. He couldn’t think of a response to dignify it with.

“I… Okay.” He said lamely, wrapping his arms around himself. “I guess… But the good stuff doesn’t really make the bad stuff go away.” He pointed out and Hunk nodded, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No.” He agreed “It doesn’t. But the bad stuff doesn’t make the good stuff go away either… I would say both sides of the spectrum are pretty important. You shouldn't neglect the good.” He told him and with that walked over to place the plates in front of everyone. Lance realized for the first time they had made garlic knots and _Vieja de Ropa_. Tentatively, he took a bite.

It didn’t taste a thing like his mother’s recipe, but still somehow reminded him of home.

* * *

 

“Just sleep.” Keith told him, sounding slightly exasperated as Lance pressed his palms into his eyes, forcing them to stay open. “We’re all in the same room – if the walker pops up, we’ll notice and wake you.” He reasoned, but Lance shook his head stubbornly.

They were both sitting on the couch, Pidge and Hunk muttering on the floor, surrounded by computer tech as they tried to track down Sonja and the others. Shiro was in a deep conversation with Allura while Coran occasionally commented on all three of the discussions happening.

“I’m not tired.”

“Liar.”

He groaned and shook his head free of sleep. He was absolutely exhausted – physically and emotionally. Still, he couldn’t find it within himself to rest. It was like a silent battle and he had already lost what felt like every battle the past couple of months.

“It’s too cold.” He argued and Keith scoffed at the reasoning.

“Well then come over here.” He told him and Lance wrinkled his nose. Keith was pretty hot. Not _hot_ – well. Maybe that too, but like… Warm. He was warm. Temperature. His body was warmer than the average human’s. It probably had to do with the galra genes, quite honestly.

He shifted over slightly more towards Keith. He was right. Immediately he felt warmer and he felt his body lean in just a little more towards it. Damn him.

“I’m not going to bite,” Keith said, mimicking the many, many times Lance had said that to him over the past years. He scowled and moved in a bit closer. The warmth seemed to lure him in, making the idea of sleep all the more appealing. Did galras have some sort of thing to make people tired? Was that a thing? Probably not, but…

His line of thought started to drift away from him as his head touched something soft and warm. He sighed, letting himself give up and curl into the soft warmth and relax. Something was running through his hair, lulling him into fragmented sleep.

He wasn’t for sure how long he napped for, but it seemed like forever. Waking up next to Kai always left him refreshed and instantly ready to start the day – seeing as his body temperature usually was colder than a human’s. It was the one thing he couldn’t replicate about another species. Keith, on the other hand, seemed to make him groggy and unwilling to move. Almost like holding him captive. When he did finally crack his eyes open, he realized with a bit of horror that he was on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. He wanted to jerk away, but the warmth prevented him from doing so. Instead, he groaned.

“Are you awake?”

“No.”

“Right.” Keith snorted and Lance could feel his voice vibrate under him. He absently roamed his hand over Keith’s arm, which was absent of his usual jacket. His fingers found a long scar on his hand that was faded enough that you couldn’t really tell it was there.

“What’s that?” He asked, voice muffled a bit since he was talking into his shirt.

“Hm? Oh. I got it when I was around five. My dad brought me to his workshop in the backyard and I cut my hand on one of his woodworking tools. I was pretty calm about it, but he was crying when he called the ambulance.” Keith told him, a smile in his voice. Lance didn’t hear much about Keith’s father. He wanted to ask more, but figured he shouldn’t press.

“This one?” He asked, gesturing to another scar further up Keith’s arm.

“I got into a fight with another kid when I was twelve. He had a knife. I was stupid.” Came the answer with a slight smirk in his tone that told Lance that he had won that fight, even if he wouldn’t say it. Lance continued the game a little bit, until he reached a tiny nick on his wrist.

“I think you gave that to me.”

“What?” He asked, pausing. As far as he could remember, he had never hurt Keith. Had never really _wanted_ told hurt him – even when he thought he might want to. The thought of it put a sharp metallic taste in his mouth. He swallowed, lips pursed together at the idea of it – even if the scar was barely a centimeter long.

“Yeah, we were going for the same target and you wanted to get to it before I did. The shot nicked my wrist… But you did get there first.” He said, voice a little wary towards the end. Lance bit his lip.

He had been so erratic and… aggressive. Not that he was any less of those things now, but back them it only seemed directed at Keith. As if he alone had been privy to what Lance would become. Granted, this version of Lance was also much more serious and angry.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed and ran a finger over the scar. Absentmindedly, he brought his wrist to his lips. A cackle came from across the room and Lance was jolted into the reality that there were _other people with them_.

“Keith, I think your face matches your lion.” Pidge snickered as Lance yelped and rolled off of Keith onto the ground. He glanced up to see that Pidge was right. Keith was a deep shade of red, eyes flickering yellow for a moment before resuming their normal shade of dark violet.

“Is there any food left over?” Lance demanded, sitting up with the determination of a thousand men to act like nothing had just happened. “No? Yes? I’m going to go check.” He said and marched over to where Hunk had placed the leftovers. He dug out some garlic knots and stuffed a few in his mouth. He could have sworn he heard Allura laughing at him, the traitor.

“We’re almost there!” Coran chirped, ever the hero, navigating them towards a new conversation. “I think – oh.” He stopped talking for a moment. Lance glanced over to see him frowning at a screen. Allura joined him and immediately paled.

“Uh… Lance?” She began, voice nervous. She wrung her hands together. “Are you sure these are the right coordinates?”

He frowned. They looked absolutely horrified which – Oh. _Oh_. He was an idiot.

“The black hole is supposed to be there.” He reassured them “Sorry, I didn’t think to warn you about it.” He told everyone and Hunk tilted his head.

“It…Is?”

“It’s synthetic.” Lance explained “You know how the Blade has their base in a pocket of the universe? Well, it’s a similar idea. Whoever designed our bases made black holes that are absolutely harmless to go in and out of, but obviously passing ships don’t really know that and keep far away.” He explained. Coran nodded, pulling at his mustache with approval.

“I see. Very clever.” He commented, “So we just go right on in?” He asked and Lance smiled a bit at how nervous Shiro looked.

“Go right on it.”

“Uh, wait. Maybe we should-”

“Here we go!” Coran yelled over Shiro and jolted the ship forward. Pidge yelped, clinging onto Hunk as they went directly towards the center. For a second there was a strange pulse of energy that shook the ship (Allura have a slight squeal of horror) and then everything went still.

“Coran, dude, don’t just _do that_.” Hunk whispered. Lance laughed, jogging over to the window. Sure enough, there stood one of Libertas’ bases.

It looked a bit like two wheels were stuck together, with a long rod between them. It was maybe a third bigger than the castle of lions, with maroon running down the length of the gray exterior. Lance smiled. It wasn’t home, but the familiarity of it still called to him. It receded when he remembered why they were here in the first place.

“You can connect us over there.” He told Coran and tapped the comms “I’ll let them know we’re here.” He said and immediately the screen was pulled up. It buzzed black for a moment before flickering to life to reveal two Libertas guards.

“State your business.”

“I need a meeting with the council. Are they on this base?” Lance asked, looking at the pair. They looked familiar. He was sure he had met them at one point or another. They seemed to recognize him at least, considering the shock that covered their faces.

“Commander?” One frowned “How…?” She narrowed her gaze, eyes shifting over him. Right. He wasn’t sure what people had said about his absence. Did they think he was supposed to be somewhere else? “How did you get outside so quickly?”

…What?

“He doesn’t have the necklace on.” The other guard said, “He’s an imposter!”

“Hey, hey!” Lance snapped back sharply “The commander’s necklace is with Sonja – she has been acting as commander as you two should both well know.” He told them both, crossing his arms. The girl took a step back from the screen, shaking her head.

“Sonja? The commander’s pilot?” She asked, raising her weapon slightly as if to shoot the camera. “What are you playing at? Commander Lance just spoke with us ten minutes ago.” She growled and Lance froze. The second guard was looking between them nervously, hand hovered above the alarm system.

Shit.

“Stop.” He ordered and immediately found the crystals from Joxel to press against. “We should have some quintessence identifiers, right?” He asked and the pair shifted. Quintessence identifiers were extremely rare – only eight known of in existence. Libertas currently owned five of them and only used them in dire, dire cases. None of which Lance had yet to see. Until now, at least. “Use it to figure out if I’m the real commander or not. The Lance you saw is the imposter.” He said, trying to keep his voice level. At least they knew where the walker was.

The pair stared before slowly nodding.

“No weapons until we have confirmation of your identity.” One told him and Lance nodded. The rest of the paladins warily gave murmurs of agreement (par Keith). He glanced over at Pidge who was typing desperately into her computer.

“Anything?” He asked quietly. Pidge ran a hand through her hair.

“I’m close, Lance. I promise. I’m going to figure out where they are.” She murmured. He sighed.

“Well. Until then we need to go in and figure out who this new commander is.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose “I get the feeling Lina had something to do with this.”

The castle clicked, signifying that it connected to the base.

It was as good of a welcome as any, he supposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANOTHER PLOT TWIST! Or was it a plot twist? Idk. I feel like I think I'm cool and unpredictable and you guys kinda roll your eyes at me. I appreciate you reading despite the lack of shock value I provide lol.
> 
> We're in our final arc! Lance vs. Lina coming up. I've always been a fan of the whole 'there is no reason for when bad things happen' type of plot (and there will be elements of that shown) but I felt like after EVERYTHING I just put Lance through, he needed some sort of real antagonist other than himself. Something to help him make sense of everything. He's been through enough. Let him live. 
> 
> Once more, thank you for the kudos, comments, bookmarks, etc... You guys are awesome! I'll see you in a couple days with the next chapter!


	8. Commander Lance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: not mine
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer than the others (and you know these chapters are long af) so get a snack, some water, and make sure your affairs are all in order!
> 
> Note: at the end of this I have some THOUGHTS about the panel. L O R D. Not relevant, but still.

“I want details.” Lance instructed as the guards shuffled around him, eyes wide and filled with horror. He felt similar. It had taken longer than he had hoped for them to confirm that he was indeed, the real Lance McClain. “Tell me exactly what happened after Daizen.”

“We were told that the commander lost his second.” The girl, Talia, told him. “And that he would remain on the ship with the main fleet until he was well enough to come back onto any of the bases. After a few months, you – or the fake commander – showed up. He’s been running the base for awhile now.” She frowned. Lance took a long breath. He didn’t know what that meant. It scared him, though. He knew that much.

“What kind of orders has he been giving?”

“Nothing… Too weird. For the most part it’s normal stuff.”

“And the stuff that isn’t normal?” He asked and Talia looked over at the other guard before turning back to him. He wasn’t sure, but she looked part galra. Her eyes flickered yellow before she spoke the next phrase slowly.

“He… I…. He requested that…” She wrung her hands together, not meeting his eyes “The first weird thing was that he requested that we burn his second’s body.” She finally stuttered out. Lance froze.

It wasn’t that he _expected_ them to keep Kai’s body or anything. He knew the funeral would be done and gone by the time he got back… But he had been expecting there to _be_ a funeral. Libertas always abided by the customs of whatever planet a member was from. If Lance died, he would be brought to Earth and buried with his family – just as he requested.

Kai had _definitely_ not been asked to be cremated. He swallowed down this anger, though he still heard it in his next words.

“They... Just burned him? That’s it?” He asked, unable to keep the angry tremor out of his voice. Walkers didn’t have much in terms of rituals, but there _were_ quite a few in death. It was an important event for them since it was, well, _painful_. A morose celebration essentially.

“I am so sorry.” Talia closed her eyes “We didn’t know-”

“Why would he request that?” He demanded, “What was done with the ashes?”

“Lance.” Pidge’s voice called to him and he felt her hand on his arm. “Lance.” She repeated until he looked at her, anger still wavering. He desperately tried to push it down. “Lina said she planned on sending a walker to pretend to be Kai on the ship. If you had called to see Kai’s body and they told you there was nothing… Wouldn’t that have made his appearance more realistic for you?” She asked. Lance thought back to Blue. How she had shown him Kai’s body that one time and afterwards refused to again. He felt his jaw clench.

“We don’t have time to go into the details of everything he did.” He sighed, “We need to hurry and track him down. As of right now, you two are the only ones who know I’m here, correct?” He asked the pair. They both nodded. “Alright. So we all stick together so he can’t find out anything in your memories. If we run into anyone else we confirm their identity and _stay as group_ , understand?” He told them all. They nodded. Right. Okay. This was totally fine. He just needed to find a needle in a haystack.

Except the needle could turn into hay, but whatever.

Dragging them down the corridor, everyone was on high alert. It had been some time since he stepped foot in one of their bases. He had almost forgotten the little details of it. Aside from housing, most of the base was dedicated to training, planning, and (secret) fun. Technically, most of the fun stuff was banned, but that didn’t mean none of it happened. Lance used to complain that the worst part about becoming commander is that he was no longer invited to illegal hangouts and parties.

“Commander?” Talia started and her systems beeped. “We’re about to run into another guard group.” She warned and Lance raised his gun.

It was a slow process. They ran into people, they confirmed their identity, they added them to their group and went onwards. Nobody knew if they council was in this base or one of the others, but rumors of seeing the commander _were_ confirmed. Some said he was in the west end. Some said he was in the east. The guy moved around fast.

Once they got to around fifteen people, Lance realized he might need to rethink their strategy. He looked desperately at Shiro, who was probably reaching the same conclusion. Pidge was only half-focused, still typing on her armor.

“Lance!” She said sharply “I think I found Sonja and the fleet. A communication link, at least.” She told him and shot him a grin “I found them.” She repeated. Lance felt a surge of relief and grinned back. “I’ll send them these coordinates and warn them about the walker.” She said and he nodded. Bless her. Voltron would have perished long ago if it weren’t for Katie Holt.

“Hey, Keith-” He turned to figure out a plan, but Keith had vanished from his side. He felt a stab of panic before he saw a flash of red and white pushing its way towards one of the planning rooms. Cursing, he tossed the quintessence identifier he was holding at Shiro and dashed after him. “Hey!” He shouted as the door shut behind him and Keith whirled around, eyes wide.

“I saw something!” He told him, sword out. Lance brought out his gun. “Something went in here.” He said, though his voice wavered with a bit of uncertainty. The room _looked_ fairly empty. There was only a table with various chairs scattered across the room and some boxes piled in the corner. Lance looked around again before lowering his gun slightly.

“I don’t see anything.”

“I… I could have sworn…” He frowned, hands shifting a little on the sword. Lance felt his skin prickle at the eeriness, but nothing in the room stood out to him.

“We need to get back with the others.” He said gently. “It might have just been the trick of the light or something.” He suggested. Keith frowned, not looking entirely convinced, but nodded and followed him out of the room into the hallway.

An _empty_ hallway. Lance swore.

“Where did they go?” He demanded and Keith inhaled sharply.

“It lured us away from them.” He growled “Come on – we need to catch up.” He said and jogged in the general direction they had been heading. Lance kept his gun close, eyes drifting around the hallway as he ran after him.

“Hey, keep close.” Lance instructed, reaching out for him. Keith immediately jerked away before he could even brush his fingers to his skin. Lance pulled his hand back at the reaction. Keith’s sword was between them, eyes flicking him up and down. “Do you think I’m the walker?” He asked. He supposed it was a fair concern. Keith didn’t see Lance follow him in after all. He might think the real Lance had taken the group away.

“Can you prove that you’re not?” Keith asked him. Lance kept walking forward. He couldn’t. Walker’s could replicate everything except –

“Wait.” He said and tugged at his suit “I can, actually.” He said and felt a bit like an idiot for not thinking of it sooner. Of course, it wouldn’t work in most situations, but in times like these it would. “Kai was always colder than most humans – I’m guessing most walkers are the same.” He said and grabbed Keith’s wrist. “See? I-”

A loud crash interrupted him.

“Lance! _Lance_! What are you doing?!” Came from somewhere around the corner. It appeared a walker version of Lance _had_ led the group away. He took a step forward to run towards them, but Keith’s hand enclosed itself around his wrist, jerking him back roughly. Lance turned to yell at him to let go and hurry up when the realization hit him.

Lance’s mind replayed what he had just heard. The screaming of his name. That had been Keith’s voice. He felt his heart stop as he registered for the first time that the hand around him was cold.

There were two walkers.

Fear froze him for a moment and he heard himself cry out for help as he shot his gun. The bang echoed in the building, but missed as Keith’s form melted into slick, red oil. It crawled up his arm and in a fit of desperation he pointed the gun at his wrist. Right before he pulled the trigger he realized what he was doing and dropped the weapon, hearing it clatter loudly to the ground. He grasped at the sword strapped to his side, planning on using it to peel the red liquid off of him when everything seemed to slow down.

His senses dulled. There was a moment where he thought he heard a scream, but as he fell to his knees and the ground rushed to meet him, he couldn’t be sure. The world seemed a bit distorted – growing darker and darker until nothing but blackness was in front of him.

* * *

When Lance woke, Keith was in front of him.

Or rather fake-Keith was. He figured it would be best to presume that real-Keith didn’t tie him up and toss him in a closet.

He groaned, head thudding loudly as he tried to register what was going on. Danger. There was danger. He needed to get to the others.

“You weren’t supposed to come back yet.” Fake-Keith told him “Lina said we had more time.” He informed him, picking a bit at his armor. He wasn’t really looking at Lance, but he seemed to be aware him all the same – as if measuring each of his breaths to see if they trembled. He inhaled deeply, head tilting back. “God, you _do_ taste good. I thought they used to exaggerate.”

“Fuck off.” Lance snapped, but it lacked the bite he had hoped for. Keith’s form was too jarring for him to properly figure out what emotion was directed where. He tried to organize it in his head. The anger was for Lina. The fear was for Keith – No, the _worry_ for Keith. For Hunk. For Shiro. For Allura. For Pidge. The fear was for the walker.

“That’s not nice.” The walker told him flatly and this time he met his eyes. “Then again _you_ aren’t very nice, are you?” It asked “Not to me, anyways.”

“I wonder why.” Lance spat and Fake-Keith’s smile grew. He felt his stomach twist a bit. Over the year he had spent in the prison, he had interacted with quite a few walkers. Their personalities differ as much as humans do. Usually, the aggressive ones were easy to deal with. They hit and cut and are generally pleased to just hear you scream.

The ones like _this_ though… It was like a game of cat and mouse.

“No, no. You misunderstand. I meant _me_ , as in Keith. You picked on him a lot when you were younger.” He said and gave a fake pout “Poor little orphan. He just wanted to be left alone and you kept trying to make his life difficult. He was probably so confused on what he had ever done to warrant such hatred from you.”

“I’ve dealt with worse than you.” Lance told him, meeting the all too familiar eyes “Do your worst. I won’t react.”

In reality he felt like a gust of wind would shatter him. Still, Lance liked to believe he knew how to be brave. The walker’s smile grew. It looked twisted and diabolic on Keith’s face. He took a step towards him and knelt in front of him.

“I saw him before I lured you away. I got a good look at his memories.” He said and reached out to gently run a cool finger over his cheek. Lance felt like he might throw up, but refused to flinch at the touch. “I know what you expect me to tell you. That he hates you. That you ruined his life or something. I don’t find that much fun though.” He hummed “Would you like to know the truth?”

Lance’s wrists rubbed against his bindings. He needed to find a way out. He needed to find a weapon. He needed to get out. He needed to _get out_. Swallowing, he tried to better gauge what was around them. It was a closet – there were cleaning supplies. There was a toolbox. There were towels. There were spare generators.

“I get the feeling you’ll tell me anyways.” Lance answered the walker and it shifted, revealing red skin before forming briefly into Kai.

“We can all turn into him, you know.” He said, voice changing to Kai’s. “We can look at your memories and act just like him. Really, you shouldn’t mourn. If you cooperate we can get you a new one. It would work out perfectly, really. We can stuff your friends in cells so we can feed on them, but you can be free. We’d just take turns being Kai for you. Your pain is said to taste better outside a cell anyways.”

Blood rushed in his ears and he spat in the walker’s face. It shifted back into Keith.

“I figured that might be the answer. Give it some thought though. People are more replaceable than you think. Keith understands that.” He said gesturing to himself now that he was wearing the paladin’s face again. Toolbox. He needed to go for the toolbox. “You know, he’s tired. Tired of not knowing how to help you. Of there being problem after problem after _problem_. He’s secretly worried that after awhile you’ll just be a series of never ending problems rather than a person at all.”

Focus. The toolbox. It was close. He needed to get to it without the walker realizing… But how? The space was too small. The walker could reach out and touch him.

“Then, obviously, he feels horrible for thinking such a thing. Because he cares so _much_ about you.” It continued, voice taunting and vaguely disgusted “So boring. So cliché. He’s willing to put up with you _forever_ because… Hm. Well I don’t think he quite knows why.”

Lance was going to have to fight. He wasn’t sure how since his arms and legs were both tied up, but he would have to make due. If he disoriented it for a bit he might have enough time to get to the toolbox and free himself of the ropes.

“And you want to know the best part?” It asked. Lance didn’t want to know the best part. He decided to exemplify how little he cared by using both legs to kick at its knees. Immediately it tumbled and Lance aimed another kick at its head as he went down. It was a bit like kicking a giant water balloon. His feet pressed into the skin, but bounced back like elastic. Keith’s form faltered and Lance could see the red liquid slipping underneath as he rolled to the toolbox and desperately attempted to open it bound hands.

The walker hissed, turning into a puddle on the ground. It moved towards him and he quickly scrambled for some of the cleaning supplies, fighting to get the lid off. Come on, come on, come _on_ ….

Success. He spilled the chemical on the ground just as the liquid began to touch his foot. It screeched at the touch of whatever Lance had poured on the ground. He hoped it was the space equivalent to bleach. He went back to the toolbox and felt a stab of relief when it popped open. He looked for a knife, but all he saw was some screwdriver looking things, some nails, and a hammer with a pointed end. He wasn’t entirely sure _why_ a space hammer had a pointed end, but decided it was a blessing and drove into the thickest part of the ropes. It was an awkward shuffle to tug at the ropes while trying to cut himself free.

The walker was still screaming, sounding a bit like a boiling kettled as it attempted to regain shape. Lance kicked the towels on top of it and kept pulling the ropes. One popped off. He pulled his wrists apart with more force, ignoring the blood running down his arms. A few more seconds…

His hands parted and he wasted no time throwing down the hammer to untie his legs.

There were no weapons that he could see. He picked up the hammer again, crawling to the door. Something cold grabbed his leg and he jerked back to see an arm had manifested in the puddle of red behind him. He tried to kick it off, but it stuck to him. Swearing loudly, he kept pulling himself to the door, grasping at the handle. He felt the lock click open and with one final burst of energy he pushed it open. The walker hissed in anger, now recovered enough so that he was able to form some sort of semblance to a human. Lance took the opportunity to slam the hammer down on it. It recoiled and he sprinted away.

Weapon. He needed a weapon. Something to better cut through it or shoot it. He refused to look behind him as he ran down the halls. He still had no idea where the second walker was, but considering the halls were completely empty it wasn’t an immediate problem for him.

Training rooms. They had weapons. He slammed the button of the nearest one, rushing in through the doors as the whooshed open. His breath was heavy and erratic and heart pounding wildly. He felt nothing, but pure adrenaline as he grabbed a gun on one of the shelves and loaded it.

“LANCE! STOP!”

Pidge. He spun to see the younger paladin watching him with wide eyes. There was a cut over her eye and bruising on her cheek. She loosely held her bayard by her side. He aimed the gun at her.

“Don’t. Move.” He warned and Pidge’s eyes widened, freezing.

“Lance.” She said slowly “It’s… It’s me. Put the gun down. I found Sonja and the others – they’re in trouble.” She told him “We ran into the walker-”

“Stop talking.” He ordered and took a step towards her. “If you’re Pidge then tell me what written on the papers. All of them.” He ordered.

“Papers?” She repeated, confusion glossing over her features. “You mean the ones we used to figure out who was a walker on the prison?” She asked, hesitating. “How would you know if I was telling the truth? You only opened one.” She said and Lance pulled the trigger.

Pidge staggered back, skin melting into red oil that fell to the ground in a heap.

“ _Dude_.” He looked up to see the real Pidge in the doorway. Her bayard was out, ready to strike. “How did you know that wasn’t me?!” She demanded. Lance lowered his gun and smiled weakly.

“We never told you that Keith and I opened one of the papers.” He said and walked towards her, stepping over the walker’s body. “If it had looked through my memories a bit closer it might have realized that.” He said and looked down the hallway. “Where is everyone? Where’s the other walker?”

“Shiro was holding the quintessence identifier. It went off and he realized it wasn’t you. Fake-Lance freaked out and tried to shoot Shiro, but Keith stepped in front of him.” Pidge rubbed her eyes tiredly “So Fake-Lance pointed the gun to Keith’s head and decided to use him as a hostage. He eventually dragged him away from us and said if we followed he would shoot him. Shiro brought everyone into an empty room and we’ve been using the comms to try and find you guys.” She finished. Lance felt numb.

“Have you found Keith?” He asked and Pidge shook her head.

“I’m kind of amazed I found you actually. We didn’t even see you disappear.” She told him and jerked her head “Come on, we can keep looking.”

Lance followed and thanked her when she handed him his helmet. He put it on and flicked on his comms. Immediately Shiro, Hunk, and Allura’s voices joined in. They updated where they had searched and he gave them better directions to where else to look.

“Keith’s comms were turned off.” Pidge said bitterly “Otherwise we could track him.”

Things were so rarely that easy. Lance lead the search, going through areas of the ship that he knew were private or hard to find. After thirty minutes of fruitless looking, he began to panic. He had been knocked out for a bit – so how long had Keith _really_ been missing? A couple hours? The thought made him a little sick. He tried to reason that Keith could easily fight back. Maybe he had his blade and his bayard. Maybe he had already escaped…

“ _Lance_.” Pidge whispered and jerked him into a crevice. It was another closet. It made him a little anxious, but he tried to keep himself together when he realized there were footsteps outside. Pidge leaned a bit forward, quietly peering through the crack of the door. The footsteps paused and she quickly leaned back, eyes squeezing shut. They started back up again, getting more quiet as they got farther way. “Guys,” She whispered into the comms “I just saw Fake-Lance exit a room. We’re going to go check it out, but he’s heading down the blue hallway.”

Lance pushed himself out of the room, heading directly towards the room Pidge had seen the walker exit from.

“ _We’re heading back to the others as soon as you confirm that you have Keith_.” Allura’s voice said over the comms _“Pidge, we might need to hack into base’s system.”_

“Jesus – with _this_ system?” Pidge said “That’s going to take me a good hour, Allura!” She huffed and Lance turned to her.

“Go. I’ll get Keith.” He said and she shook her head. “My comms are on.” He added and the paladin pursed her lips, looking like she might argue, but snapped her mouth shut.

“Both of you better get back to me safe. Understand?” She said, pointing a finger at him. He gave her a salute and she snorted, tapping her helmet as a reminder to keep on the line. When she jogged away, he turned back to the door and glanced over his shoulder. The walker could be back any second – he needed to hurry.

Taking a deep breath, he prayed Keith was inside and slammed it back.

The room was one of their interrogation rooms. It had always reminded Lance of one of those cop movies – with the table in the center and chair on either side. Instead of a mirror across the back, there was simply a pink hologram for when they needed to show images. He glanced around desperately, panicking when Keith wasn’t immediately within his sight.

He was about to call out for him when he noticed a slight movement in the corner.

Keith.

The relief that washed over him was quickly followed with regret as looked at the dark bruise on the paladin’s cheek. His suit was ripped at the hands, exposing his bare fingers which were bloody – like he had tried to claw at the walker. Lance tried to ignore the hatred he felt when he saw it.

Keith’s eyes seemed to watched him with heavy askance, pressing himself just slightly into the wall. He didn’t say anything and Lance felt his stomach roll at the implications of the response. He made sure to keep his distance as he knelt down in front of him.

“We don’t have a lot of time.” He said “I know you can’t tell if this is really me or not, but I can’t spend much time convincing you otherwise.” He said, a little out of breath. Lance didn’t think he ever had seen Keith really… Scared. Even now, he didn’t seem fearful. Only cautious.

But he knew better.

He opened his mouth to… To say something. To provide some semblance of comfort. Only he realized with a crashing sense of dread that he had no idea what to say or do.

At one point that had been his _purpose_. His entire use for Voltron. He was the guy that could make anyone feel better. He read his teammates easily and became whatever they needed.

He supposed somewhere during the time they had spent taking care of him, he had forgotten how to take care of them. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but he couldn’t think of it now.

“The others are waiting.” He said instead “What’s the worst that can happen if you come with me? It looks like they’ve done their worst.”

It wasn’t their worst. He knew that, but maybe Keith didn’t. He hoped he didn’t know that. He thought back to something Kai had told him when he was in a similar position. Lance held out his hand.

“Come on, samurai. It doesn’t hurt to hope. Walkers don’t feed on that.”

Keith looked up at him. Lance waited, silently praying the walker didn’t come back while they were talking. Keith finally reached out and grabbed his hand. Lance didn’t let go, instead dragging him out of the room and into the hallway. Keith winced a little and he felt a surge of anger. Swallowing he turned around and tried to figure out where the pain was coming from.

“Is it just bruising?” He asked, gesturing to his shoulder and Keith’s hand flittered to the injury before nodding.

“It’s fine.”

“Can you move it okay?” Lance asked anyways and waited until Keith demonstrated that he had a full range of mobility before accepting the answer. He led them back to where the others were still huddled, weapons out and ready.

“We saw the walker with Lina.” Shiro told them, moving towards Keith. He ran a thumb over the bruise, examining him closely. Keith shrugged him off, offering a reassuring pat instead. Lance tensed, interrupting whatever he was going to say next.

“You saw Lina?” He asked. Shiro nodded and placed a hand on his arm, probably wanting to keep him in place until he was sure he wouldn’t run off after her.

“She might have been trying to get off the ship – to one of the other bases.” Pidge said, crossing her arms. “If we want to keep her here, we’ll have to seal off the exits. Perhaps we should get in our lions and-”

Whatever else she was going to say was cut off by a loud, wailing sound. Allura clapped her hands over her ears, glaring at the ceiling as it began to flash red and white.

“God – _really_?” Hunk growled at the alarm. The lights continued to flash and one of the guards' voices came over all the comms, resonating throughout the building.

“Everyone to their stations. We under attack – I repeat we are under attack.”

Of course they were. Lance pushed past the Libertas members they had picked up to see outside the window. A good three ships were flying towards that were – yep. Those were galra.

“Lina must have contacted them.” Pidge sighed and brought out her bayard. “Do you think she realizes you’re here?” She asked and Lance bit his lip. He honestly wasn’t sure. It would be hard to miss the Castle of Lions floating outside.

“Maybe. Did Sonja respond to your message?” He asked. Pidge shrugged.

“Haven’t had time to check.”

“Send another and tell her to hurry. We’re going to need all the help we can get. I’m going to the communications room. I need to contact the other bases and see if their under attack as well.” He said and wiped some blood off his cheek. “There’s still a walker around as well.” He reminded them, though it wasn’t really necessary. The tension was still thick in the air. Keith shifted.

“I’m coming with you.” He said and Lance shook his head. “You guys need to go form Voltron.”

“No.” Allura shook her head “We aren’t going to leave you here-”

“Then we’ll die.” He told her “We need Voltron if we want to have any hope of defeating _that_.” He said, pointing out the window. “If they all get into the base, we can only hold them off for so long. Especially if the other bases can get us back-up.”

Allura snapped her mouth shut, jaw clenched.

“Go.” He told them and turned to Talia and the other guard “Get the others in position.” He instructed and pulled out his gun. Keith was watching him. The others were hesitating, but Lance could see them start heading towards their lions. Shiro waited for Keith to join them.

“I want to come with you.” He repeated and Lance let his weapon fall. He took a small step towards him, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. Keith walked forward, ridding them of the space between them.

“You can’t.” Lance sighed “Not if we want to make it out of this in one piece.” He said and brought this hand to brush the hair away from his face. Keith smiled a little at the touch.

“You’re warmer than them.” He murmured, catching Lance’s hand. So he had noticed too then. Lance gave a weak smile and nodded. “Lance, I-”

“No.” He interrupted. Keith frowned. “Don’t… Don’t say it.” He shook his head “You can say it after all of this over. We can do things right then.” He said and squeezed his hand a bit tighter “But you have to promise to be there.” He added and there was a note desperation in his voice. “Okay?”

Nobody could promise such a thing. Especially in war.

“I promise.” Keith said anyways. “And after all this is over I promise I’ll be there to say it everyday.”

“Me too.” Lance smiled. It still felt like a goodbye. God, he hoped it wasn’t. His heart thrummed with anxiety and when Keith finally pulled away to join the others, he couldn’t breathe. His eyes drifted to Hunk and the scar that ran down his side. He never did learn how he got it. Another wave of anxiety came over him. He had no idea if he was out of time or not. He supposed nobody ever knew, but the reality of it seemed to loom over him.

Swallowing he turned away. There was nothing he could do about it now.

The group split and Lance found himself alone down the corridors, punching in the code to the communications room. The doors slid open with a bang and he felt a stab of relief to find it empty. He dashed to the computer and flicked them on. Instantly the room lit up and he was surrounded by diagrams of the other bases.

“Commander over to Marco and Luis.” He called. It was a tradition that the new commander rename each of the three bases. Lina had named them after her parents and child if he remembered correctly. There was crackling on the other end.

“Marco over to Veronica and Luis.” Came the response “Commander Lance?”

“I don’t have much time to explain. Are either of you under attack?”

“Luis to Marco and Veronica. We are all clear here – should we be expecting an attack?”

“I’m not sure. Galra are at our coordinates. Councilmember Lina has turned on us. If you see her know she is an enemy. If you are able to leave your posts, we need backup here immediately.” He told them both. Both bases confirmed and sent out scouts to find any threats, promising to aid them as soon as possible. Lance felt himself give into a bit of relief as they signed off, the holograms disappearing. It immediately left him when there was a loud bang at the door and the screeching of metal.

That wasn’t good. He grabbed his gun and when the door exploded, took his first shot. A galra fell to the ground and was replaced with another. Lance took another shot. This continued until he realized he would eventually run out of ammo. His bayard used to have endless shots, but this was a standard gun he had gotten from the training room. He wasn’t sure how many galra were out there and if more were on their way. He lowered it, saving his last few rounds for when he really needed it. More galra filed in, swarming him.

“Commander.” They greeted, voices surprisingly monotone for the taunt. Lance bared his teeth, holding out his sword defensively. He could count ten of them now. He wasn’t sure he could take down five at once, but he would have to try. A few had guns, but they hung back closer to the hole they had blown to get in.

Of course. Galra did have a few weak points – one being that they liked a show. Shiro exemplified that beautifully. He could work with this.

“So,” He asked “Which one are you are going to challenge me first?”

* * *

Good news: Lance took down four of the ten galra.

Bad news: The remaining three had decided to tag team him while the three with guns guarded the entrance. He sliced through the first pretty effortlessly, but the other two were clearly more skilled. Realizing he was outmatched in his sword skills, he brought out his gun and shot one with his remaining ammo so he could focus on the last. It didn’t take care of the three snipers, but he was running out of options.

Or was it two? He glanced over to see one of them had disappeared. His momentary distraction earned him a nick on the arm. He dodged the sword and there was a shot. It looked like the snipers were getting impatient. He didn’t see where the shot went and frowned. They must have somehow gotten really off target. He lunged again and there was another shot. He braced himself for the hit, but none came. Deciding he had enough ammo for one more shot, he yanked out his gun and a loud bang sent the galra across from him down.

Only the shot definitely wasn’t Lance’s.

“SORRY WE’RE LATE!” A voice called “I DECIDED TO PICK UP A FEW WALKERS OF OUR OWN!”

“Sonja?”

The Altean in question was standing in the doorway, face flushed with what could have been excitement at the situation. Her eyes found Lance’s and she smiled.

“I see you’re still alive.” She greeted brightly and reloaded her gun “The small angry one called us. Apparently Lina is a bitch and got a couple of walkers to do her bitchy bidding?”

“Yes.”

“I can work with that.” She mused and Lance noted the three aliens by her side “This is Axel, Lola, and… I don’t know how to say your name.” She told the last one “We’re just going with John right now, alright?”

“That’s an awful name.” The one alien, Lola, told her “Call him Ezra.”

“Fine. Whatever.” Sonja shrugged “They’re walkers – meaning they can tell us who the _other_ walkers are.” She informed him and walked over to him. She seemed to be digesting his appearance, eyes flicking him up and down for a moment before nodding in approval. “Are you alright?” She asked and lifted a hand to his arm. He nodded. “Good. We can have a heartwarming reunion later, but considering we’re in a battle right now, let’s just hug.” She told him, completely in a business fashion. Lance snorted, but tugged her in. Now that she was here, he felt some relief wash over him. She smelled like juniberries.

“I missed you.” He told her and she pulled away, yanking the orange pendant off her neck and handing it to him.

“I missed you too. I am an awful commander as it turns out. I have no patience.” She shook her head “I kept them all alive, but only because I knew you would be mad if I didn’t.” She added “Where is Voltron? I thought they were supposed to be with you?” She asked, voice sharpening a bit. Lance took the necklace, letting it roll in his hand. The orange dimmed now that it was absent from Sonja’s touch. She reached out and handed him three small packs of ammo and he took it gratefully, tucking it in his suit.

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you at our heartwarming reunion.” He threw back and pulled the necklace over his head. He expected it to go back to the blue it had been before, but instead it turned a dark purple. He frowned at the change, but didn’t have time think much of it. “They’re all alive.”

“I don’t really care.” She rolled her eyes “I never liked them… Aside from the-”

“Small angry one, yeah. Her name is Pidge, you know.”

“What a horrible name. It suits her.”

“ _Sonja_.”

“I meant it as a compliment!” She complained. One of the walkers cleared their throat and gestured the dead body on the ground and then to the sound of battle going on outside. It rose one of its eyebrows.

Whoops.

“My bad. Let’s go.” He said and they ran out to join the rest of the fleet.

* * *

It had been awhile since Lance had been in a full on fight. Voltron’s missions were mainly in and out. Rescuing hostages, gathering intel, etc.. They kept him away from battles whenever they had come about. Part of him worried he would be out of practice as the galra surrounded them.

It looked as though they were attempting to disable rather than kill. If a member of Libertas was disarmed, they were either knocked out or bound. He figured they were preferred alive for the prison. Still, that didn’t mean there weren’t causalities. He saw a few bodies on the ground and forced himself to move passed them as he brought out his gun. Sonja cursed from beside him.

“Lance.” She said and nodded towards where a cluster of the fighting was going on. On a balcony over the fight stood the council. Most looked horrified, bringing out their own weapons and readying themselves to join the fight. Lina stood amongst them, face completely passive. Lance took a sharp intake of breath.

“There’s the walker.” Ezra noted darkly and Lance’s attention was diverted to the figure behind Lina that he hadn’t noticed. It looked to have taken the same shape as one of the guards. Ezra growled. “You take Lina, but that one is mine.” He said. Lance didn’t argue and aimed his gun up at the balcony. He could definitely make the shot from here. His finger hovered over the trigger when suddenly black eyes snapped to him.

“Hello commander.” Lina called down to him. The rest of the council looked between the pair in alarm at her. Sonja pushed Lance a bit to the side to avoid the attack of a galra.

“Pay attention!” She hissed “Don’t let her distract you from the actual battle!”

He could barely hear her as Lina continued to stare him down. The snakes in Marton’s hair hissed.

“Commander, what are you doing?” He yelled. He hadn’t been one of the councilmembers to take out a weapon, but as he glanced between Lina and Lance he could have sworn he saw some uncertainty in his gaze. His expression tightened when Lance didn’t lower the gun.

“She’s the one who brought the galra here!” He shouted back and Sonja cursed as she stopped another galra from approaching them.

“Fine. Die then.” She muttered, but took a defensive position in front of him “Lola. Axel. Keep the galra away from him.” She instructed and the two walkers gave noises of acknowledgement as they brought out their own weapons. From the corner of his eye he saw them shift into galran forms.

A few council members were turning to Lina, aiming their own weapons at her.

“Explain.” One of them said. Lina didn’t explain. She instead burst into flames, causing most of them to scramble away from her. Lance took the shot, but by the time the bullet reached her, she was gone. Smoke stood in her place. He desperately tried to remember what little she had told him of her species. He was fairly certain that they couldn’t teleport or anything. She must still be in the room.

He was proven right a few seconds later when he saw a flash of red and orange in the crowd of fighting. He swore and lowered his gun. With all the movement going on around him, he wouldn’t have a clear shot. He tucked it away, bringing out his sword with a nod at the walkers to leave him. Sonja glanced over and pulled away, joining in the fight as he ran in the direction Lina had gone.

“ _You_!” Someone screeched. Lance turned to see Ezra and the walker from Lina’s side launch at each other. Their weapons clashed and he forced himself to look away as he spotted Lina moving again.

“No you don’t.” He said and thrust out his sword. He was close enough that the tip of it barely missed her throat. She spun around, facing him head on.

“You came back early.” She said calmly.

“You should have listened to your friend.” He told her, chest rising and falling rapidly. “We were in the cells. Five years of planning – wasted.” He spat at her. Her expression didn’t change. He could see something forming in her hands and went to dodge when she lunged at him. He jerked away as some sort of black metal narrowly missed him. It looked like a cross between a spear and a sword. He rose his sword to meet it when she swung again and a loud clang sounded when they met.

It was louder than the rest of the battle. The screams and blasts around them seemed to quiet around them as his focus on her heightened. He was reminded of his battle with Sendak and felt a sudden surge of panic at the idea history could be repeating itself. Where was Keith? Pidge? Shiro? Hunk? Allura? Sonja? There were so many people who could be dying around him as he dealt with this. He risked a glance behind him and felt a stab of pain when Lina’s weapon hit his side. He jerked back.

His armor had taken most of the damage, but the pain resonated. He twirled his sword and struck again.

Why?

He wanted to ask her, but between the flurry of hits and dodges, found himself unable to. The fight wasn’t a dance – as Hunk had noted it was when he and Keith fought. It was too messy. Too bloody. As they struggled Lance found himself tripping over bodies on the ground and almost stepping into other fights. Sometimes people would try to interfere in theirs. A galra might try to stab Lance from behind or a Libertas member might attempt to aid Lance, but Lina thrust out her hand so that the ground around them burned for a moment, sending them sprawling back.

This was between them. Good.

“Lina!” A voice called and Lance identified it as the walker from prison. The same walker Ezra was fighting. Lina didn’t react to her name, completely absorbed in her battle. “ _Lina!_ ”

“No.” Ezra’s voice hissed “You don’t get help. Not when you did this out of greed. You shame our kind!” He said and Lance almost pulled away at the tone. He wanted to find wherever the fight was and stop it. He knew that voice. It had been his own after Kai died. How many had he murdered out of grief?

“Please. Please don’t I-”

There was a bang and Lance took a steadying breath. He was too late for that then. Aside from the galra, all that was left was Lina. She launched again and they went back into it.

Distantly, he knew other things were going on. He heard Voltron’s lions roar. He saw the flash of colors and he was pretty sure he registered that the galra retreated. Lina must have realized this too because her eyes left him for a moment to observe the damage left behind. She faltered.

Then... She just dropped her weapon.

Betrayal, Lance decided, was tragically beautiful.

There was no other way to describe Lina as she looked at him. She hadn’t ever talked much about her species – with her being the last of her kind, he figured the memories tasted of melancholy. It was something he had thought they shared.

So he didn’t quite understand the shifting between young and old. She usually appeared elderly – wrinkled and small with large black eyes and wisps of smoky gray hair. Whenever she got angry though… Her form had always flickered into something younger. Fiercer. It was that version of Lina that stood in front of him now.

Flames floated beside her, calmly sucking itself into her flesh. Her hair was long and dark, freely cascading to her waist while her eyes burned bright orange as she stared him down. Objectively speaking, she looked a bit like an angry goddess. Orange lines seemed to run over her bare skin, brightening and darkening like some kind of android.

“So this is what you really are.” He told her – and despite the aura that crackled around her with the glowing skin and the fire and burning eyes… He found himself… Unimpressed. Disappointed, really.

“I hope you don’t expect me to apologize.” She said and straightened herself to her full height. “I stand by my actions.”

Perhaps that should make him angry. He wished it would – that would have been more familiar than the bittersweet taste choking him.

“You sided with the galra.” He shook his head “ _Why_? They destroyed your home. They _killed_ your people and-”

And, what? He knew Lina’s story. He just wasn’t for sure if it was the truth anymore. Her lips pursed together. He reached to his side and brought his gun back out now that the battle around them had settled. If Lance were smarter, he might just shoot her. It would all be over… But then he would be left alone with his questions.

“I know.” She said simply “I was there when it happened. You know that.” She nodded towards him “You of all people should understand. You’ve done the same things I have.” She told him calmly. Lance’s grip on the gun tightened.

“No. No I haven’t. I would never.” He spat back. Lina frowned at him, disapproval tugging her lips down. He was reminded of his first days as commander, when he fought against being a leader and she would have to eventually set him straight.

“Of course you have.” She said “I am not alone to blame for your suffering. I merely sped up the process. Even before you left Earth you suffered, child. You experienced pain and loss long before any of this.” She said, gesturing around them “Maybe if I was not involved you would have broke more slowly… But it would have still happened. A child in your arms might die or one of your precious paladins would fall in battle. Planets explode, stars burn, galaxies collapse among itself. Even outside the galra, horrible things happen. Things you cannot control, things you cannot stop even if you _knew_ they were coming. Alejandro, that is simply the universe. There are plenty of species that live for thousands of years – yet not one of them can be immortal. That is because the universe does not allow for something is makes to last forever. It creates and it destroys – just as the galra do. And yet you stand there, after _everything_ it has and will do to you, ready to defend it.”

“That’s not a fair comparison.” Lance scoffed, disbelief making his tone sharper “I have no choice but to defend it. I have to live in it. The most I can do is try and make it better.”

“And I have to live in the galran empire.” Lina said simply “They haven’t fallen in over ten thousand years. And they won’t truly weaken for another million. It will be an empire to outlast us all.” She sighed and the fire on her skin crackled at the admission “Voltron will never win against the galra. I wish it could, but…” She trailed off “All it does is create unnecessary hope. People will try to fight back and they’ll be hurt from it… And as you said, this is the universe we have to live in. The most I can do it try to eliminate some of the suffering that hope will cause.”

“By hurting others.” Lance snarled “You were ready to lock us all away in cells to be tortured and fed upon.”

“I don’t believe in fixing what has already been broken.” Lina shrugged “You can only make due with what is given to you. The best use for you would be to feed potential galran allies. The best use for the galran empire is to help them grow powerful enough that they feel they can treat subjects well.”

“You’re delusional if you think they’ll ever treat their _victims_ nicely.”

“Sometimes we must accept the worst of our worlds, darling. In the same way humans find peace in accepting death when they know there is no escape, I have found peace in knowing I will not escape this empire. Instead, I embrace it so I can at least find some sort of purpose… to know my planet did not perish in vain – that it vanished for a _reason_. To create something new and long lasting… I often find that the things that wrong our hearts can save our souls.” She told him and Lance stared. He couldn’t make sense of her words. She seemed to believe whatever she was selling, but… Lance just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. They weren’t the same. They couldn’t be.

Lina sighed. Without another word, she slowly got down on her knees. Lance’s gun was still trained on her, unwilling to move even a millimeter off of its target.

“It seems you have already figured the universe’s mysteries out then. I wish you luck in fixing it.” She said, tilting her head up at him “I’m ready to die now.”

Lance stared. He licked his lips, trying to make sense of the thoughts whirling around his head. He thought to his family – how _desperately_ he wanted Sendak to scream for what he did to them.

“Say their names.” He finally instructed. Lina offered a small, apologetic smile.

“I don’t know them.”

It was cruel. How many times had Lance come to her? Told her about quiet nights with his brother or screaming matches with his sister. How many times had he reminisced over his nephew’s first soccer game or niece’s kickass solar system project?

“Luis.” He gritted out. Lina nodded.

“Luis.” She repeated.

“Marco.”

“Marco.”

“Veronica.”

“Veronica.”

He went down the list. Through every body found in his house. He hated how their names sounded on her tongue. Lifeless. Forgettable.

“Kai.” He finally finished. The fire in her eyes dimmed for a moment and she swallowed.

“Kai.” She whispered. It was the first sign of regret he had seen on her. She closed her eyes. Lance pulled back the safety. There was a soft click and he readied his aim. Nobody spoke this time. There was no argument as he leveled his gun at her or sharp intakes of horror. The only sound was breathing and the only movement was the occasional flame that danced across Lina’s skin.

Lance felt his eyes wander off of hers for a moment and he found Keith staring at him. He didn’t look alarmed that Lance had glanced away from his target. Or even surprised. Perhaps he had figured out what Lance was going to do before he did.

“Talia.” He finally said “Arrest her.”

Lina’s eyes snapped open. She didn’t lash back at the proclamation. He realized now that there had been fear in her gaze – and it left her in order to favor confusion as Talia stepped forward to clap some handcuffs on her.

“I want her memory wiped and put on Hanton.” He said. Hanton was the planet they put other enemies who lost their memories. Most members on the planet lived there of their own volition, unaware that they had a previous life. He wondered what kind of person Lina would be. “Unless, of course,” He said, lowering his gun a bit “You want to die?”

“You would allow me an option?” Lina asked “To spite me?”

“No.” He answered. He wasn’t entirely sure why, quite frankly. He thought back to the galra he had shot on Daizen. He didn’t regret the decision exactly… But it hadn’t helped any. “I guess…” He started and his eyes flicked back to Keith “We don’t really know what kind of people we’ll become after grief fucks us up.” He admitted and lowered his weapon “But I still have people I don’t want to disappoint.”

Lina looked at him.

“My memories are important to me.” She told him “I am the last of my kind. There is no point in me living if I cannot remember where I came from or what I am.” She said simply. Talia had a hand on her arm. She turned to Lance, a bit uncertain.

He supposed he could understand that. Who would Lance be if he could not remember the way his mother used to laugh? Or how his brother painted on the walls of their house? He jerked his head at Talia, signaling for her to move out of the way.

“Are you scared?” He asked her curiously. She nodded. “Do you really not regret it?”

She shook her head. Lance didn’t understand it. Then again, he figured understanding other people’s emotions never helped anyone, really. Perhaps Lina had a point. Acceptance was the easiest way to find peace… But that didn’t mean it was the right thing to do.

“Close your eyes.” He instructed and hated how tired he sounded. She obliged and part of him wondered if he was able to go through with it. Steeling his nerves he raised the gun. “Tell me something about your planet.” He said, voice softening. Lina’s lips tugged a bit at the command and her shoulders slumped.

“The ground was always soft. You never needed shoes… And when it was quiet you could always hear someone singing. It was usually the fish. They would make this noise in the water that sounded a bit like a lullaby. There was-”

Lance pulled the trigger before she could realize he was distracting her. Maybe she already knew, but it was the best he could offer. The fire on her skin evaporated into a mist, hissing as her skin flickered between orange and black before she collapsed on the ground.

It was over.

There was a hand on his shoulder and he turned to see Sonja next to him. He sighed and grabbed her hand.

“Bet you ten bucks Marton is going to try to put me on trial for murder over this.” He muttered and Sonja gave a weak huff of amusement.

“Dark. I like it.” She murmured back “Come on. Staring at it won’t do anything.” She said and tugged him away from the body. He nodded and tried to find the rest of Voltron in the crowd. People bowed their heads at him as he walked by, but he couldn’t see his friends.

“You wouldn’t have disappointed me.”

He turned to find Keith behind him, shoving past a few Libertas members to get by his side. Sonja let go of him to step away, her eyes flicking Keith up and down warily. Lance smiled at her reassuringly and she turned to shoo some gawkers away.

“Hi to you too.”

“I don’t need you to be anything specific for me. You don’t need to be the good guy all the time.” Keith told him, dismissing his greeting. “I would never get mad at you over it.” He insisted and Lance thought back to what he was referring to. If he had found the anger from before and killed Lina mercilessly. He chuckled.

“I know.” He answered “I actually wasn’t thinking about disappointing you.” He admitted and tucked his gun away so he could cross his arms “I was thinking about my mom. She would be sad at how lost I’ve gotten… But I think she would be happy about you.” He admitted. “I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to kill her.” He shook his head “Not like that at least.”

“She would be proud of you.” Keith said. Lance smiled. He felt so tired. He wondered where Yorak was – falling asleep next to the wolf sounded super appealing. Falling asleep next to _Keith_ sounded even more appealing.

“Hey. Remember what you said before?” Keith asked “About after all of this was over? I-”

“Commander!” Talia yelled “What are our orders?”

Keith rolled his eyes. Lance snorted and walked over. He could feel people’s eyes on them, but paid no mind as he leaned forward. Keith stiffened a little he froze. Right. He could he have forgotten about the walker? Lance went to move back, but Keith’s hand reached out.

“No. I just-”

“Yeah.” Lance agreed before he could get all the words out. “I know.” He assured him and Keith pressed his forehead against his.

“Thank you for keeping your promise.”

“Thanks for keeping yours.”

He pulled away, giving an apologetic smile.

“Meet you in Varadero?” He asked, turning to go back to his fleet. Keith crossed his arms, though a small smile played at his lips. Lance thought back to the walker from earlier.

_“He’s secretly worried that after awhile you’ll just be a series of never ending problems rather than a person at all.”_

“Lance?” Sonja asked and his fingers went to his pocket in his armor. “We need to-”

“Yeah. Of course. Can I, uh. Can I just have a second?” He asked her and she rose an eyebrow. He smiled. “I just need get mind in order before bossing people around.” He promised and her gaze softened, gesturing him to one of the empty rooms.

“I’ll try not to throttle them until you get back.” She told him and Lance thanked her, waiting until the doors shut behind him to pull out the crystals Keith had gotten him from Joxel and a small green cube. He rolled it in his hand. Did Keith notice him take it from the prison? He pressed the button and it lit up.

_“Hey Lance! Mr. Holt gave us your video – God, we were so worried...”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thing about these kinds of traumas is that you can get better, but you won't always be completely healed. Sorry I had to end it on that note. We still have 2 more chapters to make things a little less painful, worry not. This entire chapter was a struggle tbh. I hope I did it justice. There was just a lot happening. 
> 
> BUT SEASON 7!!? (SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE PANEL AND THE REVEAL OF THE THING-TM)
> 
>  
> 
> .....you were warned. 
> 
>  
> 
> B R U H!!!! My boi Shiro! He had a man! I think I died a little from excitement. I've heard mixed reviews about Adam. I wasn't there to see the first episode so I'm hearing from some people that he was kinda a jerk and other people say he isn't. Idk fam. I hope it's a good relationship - according to Lauren they were in a "beautiful relationship" that was heading towards marriage. 
> 
> Damn. That shit is breathtaking yo. 
> 
> August. I'm so ready to get fucked up from the season. The trailer looked amazing. 
> 
>  
> 
> ....but yeah. That's the chapter. Bye.


	9. It's (not) Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there! Just one more chapter after this - wild. Again, this one is a bit longer than the rest so make sure you have a glass of water or something as you read lol
> 
> Disclaimer: not mine

It took them a solid three days to get everything back in order.

Repairing the base, holding funerals, moving prisoners, wiping memories – it was all a lot. Lance found himself so busy he barely had time to think as he had meeting after meeting. He needed to explain what happened to the council, then to the fleet, then to the rest of Libertas. Distrust on the base was high – everyone though _everyone_ was a walker… And those who _were_ walkers weren’t highly regarded. Lance had lost his temper a few times at some of the comments made towards the walkers Sonja had brought over. By the end of the day he was usually so exhausted that he would collapse on his bed, still in armor and immediately fall asleep.

“What funeral should we hold for Lina?” Sonja asked him. She was the last name on the list of the dead. Lance pressed his lips together.

“Whatever one she requested.” He answered. Sonja sighed.

“She didn’t have a request. She didn’t put any preference down and nobody knows her planet’s rituals.” She told him. Lance paused at that. He wasn’t sure what the information meant in the grand scheme of things, but wasn’t really ready to unpack it.

“Give her a walker funeral.” He said slowly. She had stolen Kai’s after all. Perhaps she could make it up to him. Sonja nodded and wrote it down. After tossing down the clipboard she stepped in front of him so she was leaning against the table Lance was currently shuffling through.

“I need to talk to you about the council.” She said. Lance winced. He had been hoping the rumors would die out, but apparently they got to Sonja – meaning the entire base knew. He put down the paper he was working on to look at her fully. “I heard they wanted you to replace Lina.” She said, raising an eyebrow. He shook his head.

“I don’t belong on the council.” He answered “I would rather stay commander.” He admitted. He may have not been fond of the position at first, but at this point it felt… Natural. Where he should be. He wasn’t always sure he was up to par or certain that he wouldn’t disappoint them, but it was as close as he was going to get to feeling useful.

“I was hoping you would say that because they offered me the position.”

Lance snapped his gaze to her, mouth falling open.

“You… _Want_ to be on the council?” He asked, a little incredulous “ _You_?”

Sonja laughed, dark curls spilling freely around her shoulders. She pushed one back, attempting uselessly to keep it out of her eyes. She looked at him and Lance could see her soften a bit as she nodded.

“I was surprised too.” She admitted “But the thing is – nobody can boss me around up there.” She informed him, a small smile tugging on her lips “I could help make _your_ life easier by keeping them from being dicks and we won’t risk anyone we don’t trust becoming friends with Marton.” She added, rolling her eyes. Lance scoffed. Marton had been… Difficult as of late. He sighed.

“If it is what you want, then I guess you can just _abandon me_.”

“I would technically be your superior.”

“Now you’re just being mean.” Lance threw back and gripped her forearm reassuringly “You’ll visit? And make sure not to lose your personality with the boring people?”

“Of course. You better hold me to that.” She said and patted his hand “Tragically this means you’ll have to find a new second… I hear there are _many_ people up to the job.” She smirked. Lance wrinkled his nose. Great…

“What’s happening?”

He turned to see Hunk approaching them with what appeared to be a platter of food. His stomach rumbled at the approach. Voltron had stayed around to help re-organize, which he was grateful for. Sonja’s eyes lit up at the food. She had warmed to Hunk considerably after he had cooked her some sort of Altean dish for her.

“Sonja is joining the council.” He told his friend, thanking him for the bowl of soup offered. Sonja edged in a bit closer and nabbed a second plate when Hunk was focused on Lance. “Are you eating with us?” He asked and Hunk smiled at the invitation before nodding.

“That’s…Exciting.” Hunk said carefully and Sonja scoffed.

“You have sugar in your mouth.” She told him and Hunk blinked, putting his fingers to his lip in confusion.

“It’s an Altean expression,” Lance said “It means you’re trying to be nice about a not-so-nice situation.” He explained. Allura had always been good about not confusing them with Altean dialects – Sonja had no such qualms.

“I think I’m going to like it.” She said after a few more bites of soup “I get to wear one of those robe things… Maybe I can put itching powder in Marton’s!” She said, sitting up with wide eyes. Lance grinned at her excitement.

“Yeah!” Hunk agreed enthusiastically, but looked at her with nothing short of fear.

“Where’s the small – er, I mean Pidge?” She asked, correcting herself with Lance scowled at her.

“She’s working on updating the castle’s mainframe.” Hunk shrugged. Sonja tilted her head.

“She’s a technician?”

“I guess? She knows a bit about everything, honestly.” He shrugged and Sonja gave a nod of approval.

“I’ll go visit her!” She announced and stood up, taking her two plates of food with her. Hunk watched her go before turning back to his own food with a bit of concern. Lance smiled.

“Sonja doesn’t like many people.” He explained “She is pretty excited about the people she does like though.” He shrugged and took another sip of his soup “How are you doing?” He asked and Hunk swirled his own soup around.

“Tired. Sore. I have constant anxiety that the person I’m talking to is actually an imposter.” He sighed and Lance nodded. He had similar issues as of late. “It’s almost like the first week we were out in space again. You know…When it felt like nobody knew what they were doing?” He said and Lance felt himself grin in spite of the situation.

“Yeah… Yeah, I think so.” He agreed and rubbed his eyes. “Did everyone else already eat too?”

“Yeah. Shiro is sleeping now I think and Allura is talking with some of your council.” He listed off “I’m not actually sure what is Keith is doing. I gave him lunch, but he was having this really intense conversation with one of your guards.” He said and Lance frowned at that. He hadn’t seen Keith since this morning. He would have to hunt him down later and see what was going on.

“You… You kind of sound like a pro at it.” He said and felt a bit of guilt start to nibble at him “Taking care of them, I mean.” He said. Hunk took a bite of bread and chewed thoughtfully.

“I never realized how much you used to do.” He finally answered “Making sure Pidge gets to sleep, helping Shiro when nightmares come, keeping Allura from trying to do too much, giving Keith an outlet…” He shook his head “I had never thought about it. I guess I hadn’t needed to until you were gone.”

“You’re my friends.” Lance shrugged “Of course I would help you.”

“But we never did a good job helping you, did we? Not back then at least.”

“I think you more than made up for it the past couple months.” Lance told him.

“Yeah, but that’s the problem isn’t it? If we had been better friends before you never would have left in the first place. If we had supported you before then you would have came to us when your family died. You were literally _ordered_ back to the Castle of Lions before we actually did anything.” He sighed “And at that point it was crisis management.”

Lance frowned at the wording. Crisis management. He supposed that was kind of what it was.

“It isn’t your-”

“Lance.” Hunk interrupted and reached out across the table to grab his arm “Let me apologize to you.” The words died off Lance’s tongue and the paladin squeezed his arm “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.” He replied immediately. Hunk smiled and let go of him, dunking the bread in his soup. Lance watched him for a couple seconds before speaking again.

“Can I ask about the scars?” He asked, voice softening a bit with the nerves. Hunk’s free hand went to his neck and drifted over his jaw. Lance immediately felt he had crossed a line and opened his mouth to apologize when Hunk spoke.

“I don’t remember that much.” He said and let his hand fall back on the table “We were evacuating some kids and I heard one call out – there was a blast and I knew I had to get to her.” His brows furrowed as he looked at the soup in front of him. “When I woke up I couldn’t move my left side. It was all pinned under the rocks. My comms were out and…” He shook his head “I kind of thought that was it for me.” He admitted. Lance watched his face carefully. It was blank. As if Hunk was purposely trying to keep his emotions far away from him. “I was… Really, really scared. We just do things, you know? Like, we’re always a couple seconds away from dying, but we never have the chance to _think_ about dying until. Well.” He gestured to Lance “Until we’re there.”

Lance kept quiet.

“I thought about you.” Hunk told him and a lump formed in his throat “I kept thinking if you were there that I wouldn’t be so damn scared…” He trailed off and Lance swallowed. His chest was constricting. He put down his spoon.

“Hey,” He said gently and waited until Hunk met his eyes to speak again “Tell me something good.”

* * *

“Commander.”

“Commander.”

“Yo.”

Lance turned at the last voice, eyes drifting to find Ezra (or the one that was renamed Ezra) standing with the rest of his troops. He wasn’t saluting like the others, but instead gave a friendly wave. Lance hadn’t seen the walker since the battle where he killed Lina’s accomplice.

“Hi.” Lance greeted, turning to him.

“I joined Libertas!” He said brightly “Sonja said there was an open position or something that I should talk to you about.”

Damn her.

Before Lance could answer one of the soldiers huffed at him. A few others gave a few mutterings of displeasure. He heard the words ‘ _one of them_ ’ and sharply turned to address that before someone else spoke.

“Not if you’re this disrespectful there isn’t!” A soldier snapped and he turned to momentarily be blinded by glimmering gold. Oh, God. He knew who _this_ was.

“Helena.” He greeted, not finding it within him to smile. Helena was, ironically, one of their best stealth agents in Libertas. Ironic because she was something made to draw attention to herself. Her hair was plaited gold, matching her eyes, which had no pupils. Her skin was silver, glittering whenever light touched it. She was probably the most beautiful person in Libertas without a doubt. Lance had been doubtful she could do _any_ covert operation successfully, but was immediately proven wrong when she turned invisible in front of his eyes.

“Commander.” She nodded, straightening herself up to give a dazzling smile. “How are you?” She asked and put a hand on his arm “I heard you’ve been with Voltron the past couple months.” She told him and Lance gently took a step away from her.

Helena was the kind of person who made him understand how Allura must have felt during the time Lance constantly flirted with her.

“Um…” Ezra interrupted and Lance was a bit grateful to turn his attention back to the walker. A few members passing by glowered at the him – but Ezra seemed unfazed. Lance inwardly sighed. He would have to figure out a way to deal with the walker-hatred later. The last thing he wanted was people like Ezra getting hurt out of fear.

“Right. Yes. As a new cadet you probably need to go through some sort of…” He smiled a little, trying to think of a good word “Formality training.”

“Formality training?”

“You need to address the commander by his rank.” Helena snapped “And you need to salute.”

Ezra looked appalled.

“ _Every time_?”

No wonder Sonja sent this kid his way. They probably got along like fire and gasoline. He bit back a laugh and nodded at him.

“Go find a senior and ask them to show you the ropes.” He instructed “We’ll talk later, alright?” He promised and Ezra nodded, giving Helena a glare before moving towards the seniors’ barracks. Lance chuckled a little as he went.

“Have you chosen your second yet?” Helena asked and Lance had to bite his tongue from snapping. He turned back to her, forcing a smile on his face.

“Not yet.” He said and kept walking. Unfortunately, she followed.

“I can’t imagine there’s been a lot of time with everything that has happened.” She rambled and quickened her pace so she was almost breathing on his neck. Maybe _she_ needed formality training. “And obviously it’s a big decision because your second is someone you’re going to want to spend a lot of time with.” She added.

“Exactly.” He muttered. Helena hummed happily at his response.

“I-”

“Lance!”

Oh thank God. He turned to see Shiro waving him down and wasted no time abandoning Helena in favor of walking over to the black paladin.

“What’s up?”

“Pidge is looking for you.” He said and Lance felt his eyes widen. Did she kill Sonja? He couldn’t be certain. He knew if he had to help Pidge hide her body, he would, but he would like if he wasn’t put in that position.

“Don’t look so scared. She said it had something to do with her invention.”

“Which one?”

“Lance.” Shiro sighed “Do you really expect me to have answer to that?” He asked. Lance shrugged. He usually couldn’t tell the difference between _any_ of her inventions. “She’s in her lab.” He added and frowned. Lance followed his eyes to see him staring at the chain around his neck. He lifted it up so he could see the pendant.

“It’s purple.” Shiro noted “Wasn’t it blue before?” He asked and Lance rolled it between his fingers before letting it drop back on his chest.

“Yeah. It’s… In theory, it is supposed to show the color of your spirit.” He said, remembering what he had told Sonja when he handed it over to her.

“So your spirit changed?” Shiro asked, a little perplexed. Lance huffed out a breath of amusement. His reaction had been the same when he showed it to the council.

“I guess so.” He shrugged “And before you ask, I don’t know what the purple means. Marton said there wasn’t a spirit color coding system for me to look at.” He added with a roll of his eyes. He always had to be such an ass about _everything_ it seemed. “Ethia said spirit colors sometimes change when you finally see something you’ve been trying not to see.” He said, frowning a bit. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but it made him a little uncomfortable. Shiro’s eyes unfocused a bit, going deep into thought at the words.

“Well it certainly sounds like a good thing.” He finally said and Lance scoffed.

“I’m going to take it as a good thing.” He said, shaking his head “Do you need any help?” He asked, looking around. He wasn’t entirely sure what Shiro was doing, but it looked like it had to do with rearranging a lot of supplies.

“Nah. Don’t let the white hair fool you. I’m not actually that old.” Shiro told him. Lance grinned and turned away to go after Pidge. He had made it perhaps three steps away before he stopped walking.

“Hey Shiro?” He called, turning back.

“Hm?”

“Thanks.”

Confusion danced across his face at the amount of sincerity put into the word before the realization seemed to hit him and his shoulders slumped a bit.

“Of course, Lance.” He said, voice soft and warm. Lance nodded and turned away again to find Pidge. As Shiro had said, she was tucked away in her lab, half-asleep on her laptop. He debated about leaving her to rest, but the second he stepped away she jolted up, muttering a bit as she looked around wildly.

“I’ll stab you – oh. Hey Lance.” She yawned and rubbed her eyes, glasses resting in her hair.

“Hey. Did you kick Sonja out?”

“Hm?” She asked sleepily and then laughed “Oh. Yeah, she was here a bit ago. I told her about reconfigurations.” She shrugged and Lance winced. He doubted _that_ went over well. “She was a really good student.”

…Or maybe it did? He brushed the curious interaction away to dissect at a later time.

“Shiro said you needed me?” He told her and pulled up a chair to sit across from her. She nodded, tapping her fingers on the desk before exhaling noisily.

“Yes. Right. There’s something I wanted to show you.” She said and twisted her hands together. Lance waited. “I also wanted to… Talk to you about some of the stuff I saw.” She added, gesturing a bit towards the Altean TV.

Ah. He shifted a little uncomfortably.

“Yeah… Thanks for going through that. I know you probably saw a lot of stuff you didn’t need to.” He told her and he felt her eyes digging into him. He tried to ignore it – Pidge’s stares were always too intense for him. He knew all too well that Pidge had the ability to configure the pieces to almost anything – including humans at times.

“I think I saw some stuff I did need to see.” She answered “But that can wait. We should do this first.” She said and walked over to the flick on the TV. “It’s a memory of Kai’s I came across. I think… It’s important.” She told him, patting a seat directly in front of the machine for him to sit in. Lance pursed his lips. It sounded too ominous and a little intimidating, but he figured at this point there wasn’t much that could completely shake up his world.

The machine rattled noisily when Pidge clicked the silver button and Lance felt himself get drawn into the screen. There was the sound of banging and then it softened to dripping. Light taps thrummed onto the ground.

“You look lost, sweetheart.”

Lance blinked at the voice. It wasn’t familiar, but there was cadence in it that he recognized. He frowned, trying to pin where he heard it before as he tried to digest the scenery around him. It was dark enough so that he had trouble making things out. The rain pouring down made it even harder to see.

Strange. He had never seen another planet with rain before. Earth was apparently rare in that its atmosphere allows for that sort of thing.

“I am.” Kai’s voice said and Lance turned to try and make him out. He was standing under some sort of street light, completely soaked. “I think… I was supposed to turn right a few miles ago.”

“You wouldn’t be the first tourist to get lost out here. Come with me, there’s a hurricane warning.” The person said and as Lance stared he realized that they were actually a person. Like a _human_ person. He jerked back, taking in the landscape around him more intently. There were cobblestoned streets lined with palm trees and colorful houses. Tall buildings stood in the distance with crosses looming over them. A yellow sign sat at the end of the street. Lance took a step closer. It was in Spanish. That would be why the person’s voice was familiar. They were speaking English with a Cuban accent.

“Thank you,” Kai said, following what Lance could now see as an elderly woman inside one of the brightly painted houses. “I’m sorry to inconvenience you.”

He sounded tired. Too polite. Lance tilted his head, trying to figure out when this was all happening. Kai had been to Earth? He had never once mentioned that to him. He couldn’t understand why. Lance had offered to take him to Varadero once before, but Kai had only smiled and said they were probably too busy for a roadtrip.

“Oh, no worries, _chulo_.” She hummed “This happens once a month. My English and French are very good because of it.” She smiled, closing the door behind them. She led him over to a dining table and gestured for him to sit. “Are you hungry?”

Kai hesitated.

“I ate before I came.” He said and looked down at his hands. The woman narrowed her eyes.

“It sounds like you’ve been walking quite a bit in the rain. I’ll fix you something… Just in case.” She told him and set to work in the kitchen. Kai looked around the room, eyes taking in every detail around him. Lance could feel sadness welling up inside of him, but couldn’t understand where it was coming from. He still wasn’t even sure why he was here.

“I didn’t get your name.” He said

“Penelope. What’s yours?”

“I’m Ka – I mean, Alejandro.” He said, quickly changing his answer.

Lance stared. What _was_ this? Penelope came around the corner with a pile of food in hand. Steam wafted in the air and he could sense Kai’s disgust at the smell of a human meal. Still, he politely took a serving and stuffed some in his mouth. Kai’s memory of the taste reminded him of eating sand as a kid. Poor, guy. The food looked delicious to Lance.

“So, Alejandro, where are you trying to go in the middle of a storm like this?” Penelope asked him and Kai swallowed the food slowly. His eyes danced across the room before settling on her.

“A cemetery. On the South Island.” He answered. Penelope frowned.

“The only cemetery down that way is McClain one.” She told him. Kai blinked.

“You know it?” He asked. Penelope pushed her glasses up a bit higher on her nose, examining Kai more closely before she nodded.

“Most of us do. It was awful what happened to that family. To that little boy. He came home from space to find them all dead and gone.” She sighed “We built them a special cemetery, you know. It’s just for them. Locals always leave flowers… Since there’s nobody left here to do it.” She clicked her tongue.

“Flowers?”

“Yes. Big banquets of them sometimes.” She nodded. Kai gave a slow nod at that.

“Do they… Bring anything else to the graves?”

“Not usually. Why? Do you have something in mind?” She asked and Kai shifted a bit uncomfortably at the question. He reached into his pocket and pulled out bits of paper that had been folded and unfolded out on the table.

“I have letters.” He announced, a little uncertainly “I think they might get ruined from the rain though.”

“I have a tin box you can put them in.” Penelope told him and picked up one of the papers, running her finger over it. “Did you know them?”

“No.” Kai shook his head “The letters are for someone else. I just want them to be with the people who I know will keep them safe.” He answered and took the letter from her, putting them all in a neat pile.

“Oh, _chulo_.” Penelope frowned “Are you dying or something?” She asked “You shouldn’t be wandering around like that if you’re sick.”

“No…. No, I think I’ll live a long life.” Kai laughed and ran his hand over the letters again. Penelope furrowed her brows at that. Lance could feel another wave of sadness from Kai wash over him. He glanced out the window, staring at the droplets hitting the pain of the window. “I’ve never seen rain before.” He said quietly.

“What do you think of it?”

He shrugged.

“It isn’t as spectacular as I had imagined… My boyfriend talks about it a lot.” He said and a small smile played on his lips “He likes to spend hours trying to describe it to me, but always says he can’t get it quite right. I used to get so frustrated with him over it.”

“Why?”

“He could show me – I asked a million times if he would.” Kai said and Lance’s mind flashed to the days where they would be lazily sitting on a bed and the innocent question would be posed. Lance usually had no qualms about showing him most of his memories… But rain was something he had asked Kai never to look at in his mind. “Once we got trapped by these killer flowers-”

“You _what_?”

“Yeah… Long story short… I kind of offended an ancient relic by calling it ‘a funky looking star’ and my boyfriend offended it even more by laughing.” Kai snorted. If this alarmed Penelope, she did a good job not showing it. On the contrary, she shrugged and gestured for him to continue “Anyways, we were surrounded by the killer flowers and I made some kind of asshole comment about wishing I could see rain before I died… Lance snapped at me that if I only experienced things through his memories than really they weren’t worth experiencing at all.” He mused. Again, Penelope didn’t question the weird logistics of his story. They sat quietly as Kai stared at the remaining food in front of him.

“Was he right?” She finally asked and Kai picked at the dampness at his clothes.

“I’m not sure. Maybe rain means something to him that a memory can’t show… Personally I find it annoying so far.” He grimaced “It is basically a shower I didn’t ask for.”

Penelope chuckled at the response before getting up and disappearing back into the kitchen. When she came back out she was holding a small, empty cookie tin. She handed it to him and Kai dumped the letters inside.

“Rain is a strange thing.” She said “It helps to bring us life, but we always seem to associate it with incredible sadness, don’t we?” She asked and looked out the window thoughtfully “Maybe it’s because it destroys things sometimes… Or keeps us away from things we want to see.”

“But… You still need it, right?” Kai said slowly “To make plants grow and stuff?”

Penelope hummed.

“Absolutely.” She told him and patted his hand “We all need a bit of rain to help us grow.”

The memory blurred and Lance felt himself snap back into reality, crashing onto the floor. Pidge’s hand reached out to grip his arm, steadying him as he caught his breath.

“You good?” She asked and he turned to look at her, trying to process what he had just seen.

“I… Yeah.” He said and sat back up. The TV hummed purple. “A little… Confused.” He admitted “Did you get any context about that?” He asked and Pidge crossed her arms over her chest before shaking her head.

“It was only one memory strand. It contains a lot, but not everything. I searched, but I couldn’t find much to explain what he was doing or thinking.” She told him. Lance said nothing. He had yet to go to his family’s graves, but he doubted a box of letters would go undisturbed. They were probably long gone. He wondered what they possibly could have said.

“It felt important for you to see.” Pidge finally said. Lance nodded.

“Thank you.” He said. The TV hummed loudly again, almost as if demanding attention. Lance considered it “Hey… Could I use this later?” He asked her “Not for Kai’s memories. For … Something else.” He said and she rose an eyebrow.

“Of course. I said you could.” She nodded and Lance gave a weak grin. He leaned back against the chair he was in and snagged a blanket from the bed against the far wall.

“So… The memories. What did you want to talk about?” He asked and Pidge jumped off of her own chair to slip under the blanket, curling up next to him. She grabbed a pack of skittles from her food supplies, offering him one.

“When Coran asked what snacks I wanted from Earth I told him these were really healthy. Shiro found out and made me get rid of a lot of them so don’t tell him I have extras… I think he’s been secretly eating the ones he took.” She added with a scowl. Lance snorted and popped a few yellow ones in his mouth. “I saw them torture you.” She told him as he stretched out next to him “And I saw your commander trials. I saw you meet Sonja. I saw you on missions. I saw him – I _felt_ him fall in love with you. I saw you do the same.”

“That’s a lot to see.” He told her. She rested her head against his shoulder.

“It was a lot to realize I missed.”

“I missed just as much.” He said, thinking back to Hunk’s scars. Pidge hummed in agreement at that. She turned, propping her chin on his arm to look at him.

“Can I show you?” She asked and Lance’s eyes flicked back towards the purple screen then to Pidge.

He nodded and Pidge turned back on the TV.

* * *

“Commander!”

Abort. _Abort_.

He tried to pretend like he didn’t hear, but the calls became so loud he really couldn’t ignore them. He turned to the sea of eager faces. Helena was farther back, but she seemed to realize what was happening and jogged to join the small crowd.

Honestly, he just needed to choose someone as his second already. This was getting to be ridiculous.

“Um-”

“Commander Lance.” He turned gratefully to find the guard he had met a few days ago – Talia – saluting him. “If you don’t mind, I would like to speak to you about something.” She said and glanced over at the small army of Libertas members “Uh, alone.”

“Of course.” He answered immediately. Even if Talia _was_ here to bother him about the position like the rest of these menaces he would rather deal with just her than the dozens of people – and Helena more specifically – behind him. The last time he had spoken to her she had flirted shamelessly during a meeting, which definitely lowered the productivity level. He also got the feeling it was the reason behind Keith’s absence the past couple days. They had only seen each other in small doses, which was starting to worry him.

“The red paladin.” Talia said as soon as he brought her into his office. “He’s a friend of yours, right?” She asked and Lance crossed his arms, confirming the statement. “So… You won’t mind that I gave him a full access key?”

“You _what_?” He spluttered, almost dropping the glass of water he had just poured himself.

It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t trust Keith or cared that he suddenly had full access to their bases, ships, and members. It was the fact he would _ask_ – or that Talia would give it to him. A bit of anxiety crept up as he thought back to the walkers. Perhaps she read his mind because Talia spoke up quickly.

“I used the Quintessence Identifier to make sure it was him.” She said.

“But why does he need full access to the entirety of – wait. How did _you_ get that?” He said, mind turning over the facts a little slower than the information was coming in. “You’re a guard only on this base. Your access should be restricted.”

“I hacked in.”

“You… Hacked in? Why?”

“Because the red paladin said he wanted a full access key. He was quite pushy over it.” She informed him “I was going to say no, but when he told me why I figured it was okay.” She shrugged. Lance stared. He supposed he _should_ address the obvious treason she just admitted to, but couldn’t find it within himself to care all that much. Besides, if she found a way to hack into their _entire_ system and make a full access key than maybe he should consider pairing her up with Mion for tech stuff.

“And what reason did he have for wanting a full access key?” He pressed. Talia bit her lip at that.

“Sir, if… If you don’t mind me saying, I think that might be a conversation you and him should have.” She said and Lance registered the audacity of the statement. Well then.

“Go find him then.” He sighed “Bring him to the training room on the third floor.”

Talia saluted and Lance was left to ponder what the Hell was going on.

* * *

“I feel like I’ve been summoned by a king or something.” Keith muttered as Talia led him into the training room about three hours later “Should I bow?” He asked and despite his obvious annoyance of the situation, offered Lance a smile.

“Obviously.” He threw back “I thought you might want to train.” He said, gesturing around the room. “And seeing as you’ve been MIA lately I had to use my status to drag you in here.” He added, staring him down. Keith winced, rubbing the back of his neck at that.

“Sorry. I’ve been busy.”

“Clearly. Since you decided to get a full access key to _my_ organization.” Lance told him. He didn’t get why Keith didn’t ask _him_ for whatever he was looking for. It would have been easier. Startled eyes jerked up at him.

“How did you -? Talia.” He interrupted himself “She said she would keep her mouth shut.”

“Yeah, well, she does work for me.” Lance shrugged and picked up a sword “Best out of three?”

“Make it five. You’ll need three to warm up.” Keith said. Lance gave a gasp of fake offense before tossing him a second sword.

They were interrupted about four times by various Libertas members walking in to try and speak to Lance. Helena interrupted another three.

“I don’t understand.” Keith gritted out as he dodged Lance’s hit. “Didn’t you say there were _tests_ to become commander?” He asked and Lance rolled out of the way of his parry before taking a few steps backwards to prepare himself for another blow.

“There are… Many tests actually. I did five.” He said, throwing himself back into the fight. Keith grunted at the force “The counsel nominates ten potential commanders and they enter the first test. If you fail the test, you’re done. If you pass the test you take another. We keep doing this until there is only one left standing. That’s the commander.” He explained and swore as Keith almost clipped him.

“Then _why_ ,” Keith snapped “Are these people here and not taking these stupid tests?” He growled and whirled around to avoid Lance’s kick.

“Because they aren’t asking to become commander. They are asking to become my second.” Lance said, a little out of breath. They had been training for hours now and Keith still seemed as enraged as he was the first time Helena walked in. He had no idea why he was suddenly so ticked off. “I choose my second. After Kai, it was Sonja. Now I need somebody else, apparently.”

“Apparently.” Keith repeated and threw down his sword “I need a break.”

Finally. Shaking his head, Lance followed. He had a small part of him that wanted to hit the attitude out of him with his sword and another small part of him that wanted to kiss it away. Most of him wanted to take a nap until Keith figured out the situation himself.

“Are you alright?” He asked instead. Keith only shrugged. Was that a no? A yes? How was that supposed to communicate _anything_? Rolling his eyes, he placed a hand on his shoulder, feeling the muscle tense at his touch “Talk to me.” He instructed.

“No.”

For the love of _God_. Keith – who had been so (sort of) patient and (kind of) sweet when the roles were reversed - seemed to want to make things exceedingly difficult now. Lance scowled. Fine. He could play that game. He at least had a general sense of _where_ the irritation was coming from.

“Alright, I’m going to go find Helena.” He said and turned away. Keith made a slight choking noise. Lance glanced back, a little concerned he might have killed him. All he saw was Keith turning a very vivid shade of red. Wait. _Wait_. “You’re jealous.” He grinned. Keith spluttered.

“ _What_? No! Why would I - ? I’m definitely-”

“Keith.” Lance interrupted “I would definitely choose you to be my second if I could.” He said and watched with amusement when his face went an even brighter shade of red. “Is that really why you’ve been avoiding me?” He asked and Keith sighed, shaking his head at him.

“ _No_.” He snapped at out and pushed his hair out of his eyes “It was just… A coincidence.” He grumbled. The anger seemed to seep out of him in that moment and he glanced towards something behind him. Lance had seen him enter with a satchel over his shoulder, but didn’t ask about it. “I wasn’t avoiding you. I’ve been…” He trailed off and turned around, digging into the bag. He brought out a smooth metal box.

“What’s that?” He asked and Keith held it out to him to take. Lance grabbed it, but Keith’s hands didn’t completely leave the box. They hovered a little underneath it, making sure it didn’t fall. Lance tightened his grip. Keith wasn’t careful with that many things. The fact he was wary of injuring it told Lance it had to be important.

“I needed full access to Libertas to do some investigating.” He finally said “I’ve been digging through all of Lina’s old stuff. I saw her face when you brought up Kai. I didn’t think she would just throw him away even if she did burn the body.”

Lance froze. He was suddenly glad Keith’s hands were still hovering under the box because he almost dropped it right then.

“You… This is…?” He started and was immediately overwhelmed. Keith’s eyes widened.

“Do you need to sit down?” He asked and shifted so he was at his elbow, one hand still hovering under the box as the other tightly grasped his arm. It grounded him for a moment and Lance felt his heartbeat slow back down.

He looked down at the box. Part of him wanted to know exactly how Keith had found it, but decided to leave it alone for now. Instead he tried to digest what he was holding. He brought the box a little closer to his chest.

“Lance,” Keith’s voice said from beside him “Remember to breathe.”

Oh yeah. Lance gave a shaky laugh before inhaling. He concentrated on that for a second. The breath moving through his lungs and Keith’s warmth beside him. The pressure on his arm. The coolness of the metal box between his hands. A lump caught in his throat and he swallowed it back down.

“Thank you.” He finally said and Keith’s fingers loosened a bit.

“I figured he deserved a proper burial.” He said quietly. Lance closed his eyes to keep the tears away. Now that the option was there, he wasn’t sure what to do with it. He thought back to what Kai had requested long ago.

_“Where do you want to be buried, moonlight?”_

_“On Earth. With my family, probably. Where do you want to be buried?”_

_“Somewhere I can see the stars, I guess.” He said thoughtfully. A small grin crawled on his face and he winked “Somewhere where I can see the moon.” He added and Lance scoffed, shaking his head._

_“You’re a disaster.”_

_“I learn from the best.”_

“Lance?”

Keith’s voice brought him back and he took another breath.

“I have an idea.”

* * *

 

After Kai’s funeral arrangements were made Lance dragged Keith to Pidge’s lab (desperately dodging Helena and a few other eager cadets). Pidge was gone, but Lance had seen her work the TV enough times by now to understand how to operate it.

“You have a memory to show me?” Keith asked, sounding a bit tired. Lance looked back at him.

“You’ll like this one.” He promised and connected the castle’s mind melding gear to the television. “This one is mine.” He said and patted the seat next to him. Keith snagged one of Pidge’s secret bags of skittles and obliged.

“Do I get to know what I’m about to see?”

“Nope.” Lance answered and Keith pouted, slouching into the couch as the TV hummed to life. It flickered – colors flashing on the screen and this time the pull felt familiar as they were sucked back in time.

“Who is that?”

Lance’s voice was young and baffled. At twelve-years-old he was smaller than the rest of the cadets in the flight program, eyes bright and innocent as he stared down the hallway. From beside him, the girl who had been animatedly talking to him about the engineering program stopped to glance in the direction Lance was looking.

“Who? Him?” She asked, nodding to where a familiar figure was stalking down the hallway with a bloody nose and face flushed red with anger. “That’s Keith Kogane. He’s joining our class, I guess.”

“I thought they didn’t accept pilots in the middle of the semester?” Lance said, standing on his toes to keep peering at Keith with unconcealed curiosity. The girl shrugged.

“I heard he’s like a prodigy or something. Takashi Shirogane specifically put him in the program.” She said and Lance gave a hum at that.

“He looks upset.”

“Well he _is_ covered in blood.” Came the dry response. The younger version of Lance frowned at that. “He seems to get in a lot of fights. He’ll probably get kicked out anyways. I think – Lance where are you going?” She called as Lance started down the hallway in the same way Keith had gone.

The memory moved with Lance as he dashed and weaved through groups of students. He finally approached an empty classroom where he paused and barely cracked open the door the peer inside. Keith was sitting in a desk, staring blankly in front of him. Lance tilted his head curiously. After a couple minutes Keith took a long breath, rolling his shoulders back and got up. Lance scrambled back, barely getting out of the way in time as Keith walked back out the door, now fully composed.

A feeling of confusion from the memory rushed towards him. Lance’s old emotions of resignation and defeat lay underneath it along with an intense need to rid himself of them.

The colors shifted and Lance watched as the pattern continued. Keith would get upset, go to the empty classroom and stay there until he was ready to leave again. Lance watched every time, quietly. A few times he would move to go inside, but his hand always stopped just in front of door – unwilling to fully open it. The feelings of defeat remained – usually accompanied by bafflement or some sort of curiosity.

Eventually, Lance did enter the room – when Keith wasn’t there.

The younger version of himself seemed jittery and nervous as he looked around to make sure the room was empty before putting down a first-aid kit where Keith usually sat. He practically ran outside and the next time Keith entered the room he froze at the sight of it. Lance’s younger self watched as he looked around for a moment before slowly opening the kit and using some of the bandages to wrap his bleeding knuckles he had gotten from punching a wall earlier.

A new pattern emerged. Lance no longer followed Keith when he went into the room, but would make sure there was always something there for him when he did. Candy, new school supplies, homework answers occasionally, more bandages, etc…

One day when Lance went to drop off a Gatorade he found a note on the desk. Lance froze. They had been doing this for about year now, and Keith had yet to respond. He picked up the note.

 _Who are you?_ Was written neatly. The memory was suddenly overwhelmed with panic as Lance tried to figure out how to respond. He knew his interest in Keith was a little weird. He just didn’t like the feeling he got when he looked at him. He wanted it gone. Lance figured helping Keith through his obvious struggle with adjusting to the Garrison would make it go away, but it wasn’t really working.

 _It’s a bit of a secret, obviously_. He wrote on the back of the note and threw his backpack over his shoulder, practically sprinting from the room. The next day there was another note.

_Fair enough, I guess. What’s with the gifts?_

Lance rolled his eyes, irritation nagging at him.

 _What’s with the questions?_ He wrote back. The memory warped again and now the Lance in it was fifteen. He was cursing under his breath, eyes flicking to his watch as he slid into the room. He froze when Keith was sitting at his usual spot. Their eyes met.

“Uh… Hi?” Keith said, sitting up a bit straighter.

“What are you doing here?” Lance asked without thinking.

“Sitting. Obviously. What are _you_ doing here?”

Irritation once again ran through the memory. Lance crossed his arms. Part of him considered just giving up the act they had been playing for almost two and a half years now. Seeing how Keith was looking at him, he clearly suspected Lance was the one leaving him stuff. Another part of him felt frustrated.

“I _was_ trying to find somewhere quiet to study for our test today.”

“ _Our_ test? Do I know you?”

Did… Did he _not_ realize they were in the same class? The thoughts of revealing himself instantly flew out the window.

“Seriously?” Lance asked him “We’ve had the same classes for how long now?” He asked and Keith shrugged.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

What a _dick_. Lance clenched his jaw. This guy was way too smug. Steaming, he spun out of the room. It was only when he got out into the hallway that he realized that weird feeling in his chest went away. He groaned and hit his head against the wall. A few hours later he went back into the room to toss a few notebooks inside. It was basically a habit now. Whatever.

“It _was_ you!”

The memory dissolved and Lance found himself trying to figure out if Keith’s words were in the past or now. He turned to find an incredulous expression digging into his side.

“Yeah.” He said, leaning back into the couch to rub his eyes. Lance had continued to leave stuff for Keith everyday until the idiot finally got himself kicked out. “I tried to tell you a few times, but I would always get so annoyed with you it ended up as an argument.” He mused “You were kind of stuck up.”

“Oh yeah? Well what was I supposed to do? You were always trying to one-up me with everything! If I acknowledged you than that meant you were _getting to me_!”

“So you _did_ know who I was?”

“There was only like seven people in our class, Lance. You were just annoying and I wanted to make you mad.”

“Well. Mission accomplished, I guess.” He grumbled. Keith shifted so he was turned to look at Lance fully.

“Did you really not tell me it was you leaving stuff behind because I ticked you off?” He asked. Lance sighed. It was such a silly, stupid secret that had felt like life or death as dumb kid.

“Sometimes… But it was like I said before. I really didn’t want to be your friend.” He said, referencing back to their conversation in the Garrison before Lance left for the rebellion. “I figured you would leave me behind eventually – and you _did_ get kicked out.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten kicked out if we had been friends.”

“Maybe,” He shrugged and chuckled “It’s kind of weird. All of that and somehow I was the one who left for good.” He mused. He supposed he could count Keith’s escapade to the Blade as leaving… But his return to Voltron had been a choice. Lance’s hadn’t.

Keith nodded.

“Irony.”

“Irony.” Lance agreed. They went quiet for a minute. Lance was lost in his own thoughts, thinking back to how much had changed since the Garrison. Keith’s fingers tapped his hand. He turned, meeting his gaze.

“Since we’ve established that I’m sticking around for awhile… Am I allowed to kiss you now?” He asked, voice going a bit quieter. Lance almost laughed. The question was asked in the same way Keith asked Shiro to ‘please, _please_ stop telling people about that embarrassing story of me when I was thirteen’. Exasperated and a little hopeful.

“Are you going to remember who I am if I say yes?”

“Only if you promise to start leaving gifts for me again.” Keith smirked and Lance sighed. He figured Keith would use his childhood actions against him.

“I _am_ a gift.”

“Fair enough.” Keith shrugged and Lance leaned over. They were about a few inches away when Lance spoke again.

“Can I ask you something first?”

Keith groaned and rested his head on his shoulder. Lance grinned a bit at the action and noted off-handedly that his hair smelled a bit like strawberries. His amusement instantly died when he remembered what he was about to ask and tapped Keith’s head so he would look up at him.

“Yeah?” He asked, voice going a bit concerned. He was probably registering how solemn Lance’s face had gone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the green cube. Keith stared. “That’s from the prison… What they were going to use to torture you with.” He said slowly. Lance nodded. “Why did you _take it_?” He demanded and his voice rose a little “Why would you do that to yourself?”

“Yeah,” Lance sighed and pulled away “That’s what I thought.”

“Wait – hey.” Keith frowned and grabbed his arm. “What are you doing?”

“The walker.” Lance told him “When we got separated. It saw some of your memories.”

Keith’s eyes widened and Lance felt his disappoint rise a bit. He had hoped the walker’s taunts weren’t based on any truths… He should have known better.

“And?”

“And you shouldn’t have to deal with this.” He said, gesturing to the cube “It’s over, but… It isn’t really _over_ , you know? I’m still going to be a mess. There’s still going to be nightmares and panic attacks and days where I’m not going to be able to get out of bed… And God knows I’m going to have to pick a _stellar_ second to deal with days where I’m going to disappoint everyone.” He said, letting the worry that had been eating at him for the past few days finally come clean. The _real_ reason he refused to pick someone else to take Kai and Sonja’s place. Who else was he willing to show his weaknesses to? “But you’re tired of it and I don’t want to be just a series of problems-”

“But you’re not-”

“ _Aren’t_ I?” Lance shouted and flinched at the volume of his own voice. He closed his eyes. “At least… At least with Kai I was _useful_ to him when I was broken.” He finally finished. Keith went silent.

Right. So that was settled then. Lance stood to leave, but was immediately pulled back down to the couch. Keith didn’t say anything still. Lance frowned and rose again, only to have the iron grip on his wrist tug him back.

“What…Are you doing?” He finally asked.

“Waiting.”

“For…?”

“You.”

“I’m not going to coax the entire sentence out of you, Keith. Wait for me to what?” He asked. A familiar stab of irritation was running through him – the kind only Keith was able to bring out. His mind flashed back to trying to lie in a freezing cold bed as Keith dumped water on him.

“To listen.” He said “I’m not going to talk until I’m sure you will.”

“Well I’m listening.”

“No you’re not.”

“Wha – _yes_ _I am.”_

“No… Don’t really think so.”

Lance threw his hands in the air. Seriously? This was the direction they were going? Lance still had a million things to do. He glared.

“I’m sorry,” He bit out “Are you able to read my mind and emotions and decide _for_ me whether or not I’m listening to you?” He asked. Keith’s grip on him relaxed a little.

“I guess not.” He relented immediately and Lance was a bit bewildered at how he smiled as if he had won the argument “Are you able to read my mind and emotions and decide _for me_ whether or not you’re meaningful in my life?” He asked and his voice sharpened “Or can I do that?”

Ouch. Alright. Lance had walked himself into that one.

“I’m listening.” He finally said quietly. Keith’s hand slid from his wrist to his hand. Not really holding it, but just lying it on top of his.

“I thought we figured this out.” He told him “I know you’re going to be like that… You know that I’m going to be temperamental and emotional about the stuff that’s happened to me too.”

“Keith, you realize I might not _ever_ be okay, right?” He asked warily. “The walker said-”

“Fuck that walker.” Keith grumbled “Do you want to know about the one who was with _me_?” He asked and Lance froze. He had only tried to approach that conversation once and Keith had firmly shut him down. “Yes, it did the whole beating me up thing while it looked like you. Didn’t really do much so that didn’t last too long. I knew the real you would never hurt me so…” He shrugged “I couldn’t say it was that emotionally upsetting.” Lance nodded. It was a little comforting, he supposed. “But then… It acted like you.” He said. Lance furrowed his brows. “Like how you _used_ be, I mean. It made stupid jokes and flirted and teased me… That hurt a lot more.”

Lance _really_ didn’t see how that was supposed to convince them to be together.

“Because you realized that part of me was gone?” He asked dryly.

“Because I realized that I thought I had time, Lance.” He said and shook his head “Even before this… We’ve just been _waiting_ for perfect conditions. And we kept pushing things away and not acknowledging that _maybe_ we felt certain things because it didn’t feel easy. Then you disappeared and I remember thinking to myself that… Hell, I just wished I had been your friend at the time. Or at least a better friend.” He trailed off and shook his head “And yeah, that version of you is gone. But I don’t want miss out on being with you _now_ because we think the conditions aren’t right again. If you aren’t ready because maybe your feelings changed or you can’t because of Kai – that’s fine. But don’t make it because you don’t think we’re ready – we’ll be waiting until we’re out of time if we do that.” He said. Lance felt like his mind had blanked – but Keith wasn’t done.

“And for the record, you will never just be a problem. Maybe sometimes I think that it’s going to hard _dealing_ with all of the problems, but that doesn’t mean _you are_ one.” He grumbled and narrowed his eyes “And why does anyone have to be _useful_ to be in love?” He said, addressing Lance’s last point.

Damn.

“I…” Lance started. His mind was whirling with everything thrown at him “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk that much all at once.” He said, a little blankly. Keith looked like he might throttle him so he did the only thing that really made sense at the moment and kissed him.

He tasted surprisingly familiar. Like a memory he had forgotten long ago. Keith had frozen at the sudden escalation, but jumped on board quickly, bringing a hand to the side of Lance’s face and kissing back.

“So,” He breathed out between kisses “I hate to stop this, but I’m going to need some confirmation on what’s happening here. Cause we slept together for a long time and that didn’t mean anything and-”

“I love you.”

“That’s some pretty solid confirmation.” Keith murmured and pulled away a little. Their noses were still touching and Lance could see the speck of purple in his eyes more clearly now. It was only then that Lance really registered what he had just said.

“I think I do at least...” He admitted… And that felt wrong. It felt so, so wrong because even though he knew he was allowed to be in love with him there was still a part of him that wondered if he betraying someone else he loved. Maybe Keith recognized this because squeezed his hand.

“I think I love you too.” He said.

“Well this is super gross.”

Lance was pretty sure he almost survived the Galra, walkers, Lina, depression, and emotional vulnerability to be taken down by Pidge and Sonja walking into the room. He groaned.

“Really?” He asked and Sonja stared down at him, completely unapologetic.

“You have an entire office and bedroom to make-out in.”

“They were having a bonding moment.” Pidge snorted. Sonja grimaced.

“Even worse.” She proclaimed and turned her gaze to Keith. “Hey… Aren’t you the one that literally would bother him until he got out of bed?” She asked and Keith looked back at Lance, who shrugged. There were times he needed someone to complain to about Keith’s methods.

“Yeah.”

“Huh.” She said and her eyes flicked to Pidge “Do humans usually go for people that annoy them?”

“I think that’s just Lance’s type.”

“Guys.” Lance interrupted and gestured around them “Read the mood, maybe?”

“I’m sorry, but you two are the ones who decided to use my lab as a fuck study!”

“A _what_?!”

“Come on,” Keith snorted and tugged at Lance’s hands to get him off of the bed “We can finish talking in my room.” He said and Pidge laughed.

“Talking. Sure. Lance, I’m going to tell Shiro that you’re defiling his little brother-”

“Fuck _off_ , Pidge!” Keith groaned as they left the room. Lance inwardly winced at that. Shiro was going to be fun. He wondered if Keith had actually full-on dated someone before and how Shiro was going to react to something like that.

Then again, Shiro probably knew long before Keith or Lance ever did. 

“Hey, Lance?” Keith said as the doors to his room slid shut. Lance gave a hum of acknowledgement “Please, _please_ for my sake do not choose the golden chick as your second. She’s so annoying.”

“What? Of course not. Why would you think I would pick her?” He asked and there was a gasp from somewhere outside the room and Lance spun to gawk at him.

“Helena-? _Did you know she was out there_?” He demanded. She must have been following them around while invisible, which was kind of alarming. Keith smirked.

“Yeah.”

“You are so mean.”

“You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE MORE TO GO! Forgive me if Keith and Lance's conversation was a LITTLE cheesy. I tried rewriting it a few times and this is as good as it got. Love is kinda cheesy tho so idk what I was expecting. 
> 
> ANYWAYS! Kai's funeral/that weird memory will be clarified in the next chapter...which should be up on Lance's b-day! I wish I could say I planned it that way... Alas, I was just lucky lol. I have a few final surprises that I think you guys will enjoy :D
> 
> See ya soon!


	10. Epilogue (Sincerely, Kai)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck guys. It's finished. Fair warning, I kinda cried while writing this last chapter. It may have been that I was listening to angsty music, but idk fam. It was a little emotional. 
> 
> Also...Happy birthday to my favorite blue/red paladin! My present to you is to stop causing you such horrendous pain. I'm sorry lol. 
> 
> Disclaimer: not mine

Varadero was… Beautiful. The sky was bright blue, rolling endlessly with white clouds sprinkled in so that the sun’s intensity was somewhat lowered. The breeze smelled of salt and the ground was white with sand that was so fine, it didn’t feel like sand at all. Coran’s room on the ship _was_ pretty accurate – but something about it still differed from the real thing.

“Yikes dude… How much trouble are you _in_?”

Keith’s thoughts were pulled from his surroundings as the boy in front of him eyed the banquet of flowers he was holding. He dug into his pockets, pulling out a fistful of pesos to pay. The boy didn’t repeat the question as he accepted the money. In his defense, Keith wasn’t sure how many people normally came to his stand to buy five banquets of flowers. Grabbing the cloth bag he had brought that was roughly the size of a small child, he dumped the flowers in, nodding to the boy as he continued his walk.

It was the kind of day that Lance would normally drink up. Warm. Quiet, aside from the crashing of waves and squawking of sea gulls. He sighed and gazed at the empty spot next to him.

Keith had learned long ago he had to be wise with what battles he chose with Lance. On the days that he wasn’t doing well he had to figure how to prioritize - was getting him out of bed really worth it if he wasn’t going to bother to eat? If he had enough energy to focus on missions then should Keith be bothering him more or less about remembering to take a shower or comb his hair?

When the roles were reversed he acknowledged that Lance had similar difficulties in trying to deal with Keith. Was it worth trying to calm him down when he would just get angry again ten seconds later? Would talking him out one reckless decision make him more or less likely to do something impulsive and theoretically worse within the hour? It was a bit of a learning curve for both of them and they were still far from masters.

With Varadero though… Keith liked to think he had gotten pretty good with it.

He passed by a few shops – one of the owners who recognized Keith from previous visits smiled and gave a friendly wave. Keith tried to return it awkwardly, but the flowers made it almost impossible. He knew he was pretty close to his destination at least. Three more minutes and he should be there.

From what he had seen, cemeteries in Cuba consisted of a lot of white marble and statues. The McClains’ were no different in that respect. While it was isolated from other graves on the cliff hanging over the ocean it still had a very eerie and haunted feeling to it.

He dropped the flowers by his feet… Taking it in. They weren’t buried, but in tombs that were carefully placed so that visitors could walk between them. Flowers covered most of them, although occasionally someone left newspaper clippings. Keith couldn’t read the Spanish, but he recognized Lance’s picture on them and knew the locals were keeping the family updated on his life.

“Hi.” He said, a little lamely as he pulled out the flowers. Lance had told him long ago what each of his family members had preferred. He started with Veronica, dropping a bunch of lilies at her tomb. He could feel eyes on him and turned to see who was there. An old lady sat on a bench closer to the edge of the cliff. A man was walking his dog nearby. He turned back to Veronica.

“Your brother is still an idiot.” He informed her, moving some stuff around so her name was visible underneath all of the flowers. “But he’s alive and doing… Pretty well.” He promised and brought out some rosemallows and walked over to Luis’ tomb “These are expensive by the way.” He informed Lance’s brother “Why do you all have such extravagant tastes?” He asked and dropped the pink and red flowers before moving onto Marco. He looked at the tag. Amaryllis. Right. They were a pretty red that seemed to mix in with pink and yellow. He placed those down too.

“I’m sorry he couldn’t come today.” He said “You know how it is. He’ll be here eventually.” He shrugged and walked over to find Lance’s grandmother. “He keeps trying, but…” He trailed off. Lance had technically been to their graves once. He had stayed for a total of ten seconds before leaving again.

Keith couldn’t blame him. When his dad died he hadn’t left his grave until social services forced him to. As a teenager he had avoided it at all costs… As an adult? Him and Lance visited occasionally, but all he could see was a piece of stone now. He wondered if Lance would ever be able to come here and only see marble.

“Maybe I can get him to try again next month.” He murmured, finally approaching his mother’s tomb. She was in the center of all of them, draped with the Garrison’s flag and a few other tokens.

When Keith had attended their funeral, Shiro insisted it be completely private. He had wanted it to just be them in case Lance showed up. When he didn’t, a separate funeral was held for the public to go to. It appeared that they had added up a few memorials at that one because he could see a few marble walls with Spanish written all over it. He had no idea what it said, but he saw _Alejandro McClain_ so figured it was mainly identifying who they were.

“I wish I could have met you.”

He said that every time. The need for him to say it never seemed to go away.

Sighing, he sat down. Normally he would just leave after dropping off their flowers, but the sun and the ocean called for him to stay. He moved so he was closer to the edge of the cliff, watching the waters roll and crash below. He leaned a bit against Marco’s tomb, trying not to think about how a layer of stone was the only thing separating them.

Dirt and sand clung to his fingers as he dug his hands into the ground, eyes wandering from the horizon. He glanced over at the graves and –

Keith tensed.

No… It couldn’t be.

He scrambled up, walking to the back of Veronica’s tomb where some of the older flowers had fallen off into a pile. He brushed them away, fully exposing a small, tin box beneath.

It felt pretty surreal. Lance had told him of the box of letters Kai had left behind – but they both had worked under the assumption that nobody would actually _leave_ them there. Eventually people would dust it away along with the dead flowers and old newspaper clippings that were ruined from the rain. His hand ran over it. Maybe it was just a coincidence? Or maybe the letters had already been taken out?

“That doesn’t belong to you.”

Keith glanced up to see the old woman on the bench looming over him. Her eyes were narrowed and hands placed firmly on her hips. Keith didn’t let go of the box.

“Have you been keeping them here?” He asked, bewildered. Was she the woman from the memory? Penelope? Keith had never seen it himself to know for certain.

The woman frowned at the comment, looking down at him intently. Keith’s hands were still on the box, unwilling to let them go. It had been two years since Kai died. The idea that his words were still contained in this small package felt like hearing a ghost.

“I… Have.” The woman finally answered him “The boy who brought them to my house… He hasn’t come back.”

“He’s dead.”

The woman nodded. She didn’t look surprised.

“Were you his boyfriend?” She asked and Keith shook his head. He was the guy dating the boyfriend.

…Whoops?

Dark eyes traveled from Keith to the box. He could see the woman trying to figure out whether or not she was going to let him take it. He wondered if she had really been coming everyday to ensure it’s safety… To ensure that the right person got it. He felt a stab of sadness. Kai wrote these for Lance… And he couldn’t even face the tombs, let alone sit long enough to find Kai’s heart beating next to them.

“You’re Keith.” She finally said and he felt a little startled at hearing his own name when he hadn’t introduced himself. He supposed he _should_ be used to it by now. His face was plastered everywhere on Earth along with the rest of the paladins and Lance. The woman would know that Keith and Lance were friends.

He nodded and her shoulders slumped a bit.

“It took you long enough.” She informed him and looked out over the cliff to where the sea seemed to watch them, mist rising as it crashed into the rocks below. “I lost track of how many years I’ve waited for someone to find these.” She mused and gave him a small smile “I don’t know how I’ll spend my days now… Probably watching over someone else.” She said.

Keith didn’t know what to say to that. Luckily he didn’t have to since she turned away, humming to herself a bit as she left Keith on the ground, clinging to the cookie tin. He swallowed, looking down. Part of him knew he should just give it to Lance, but he also needed to check and make sure the letters were actually _in there_.

He tried to picture Lance’s face if he opened the tin and found it empty… He shook it and heard something inside. To be absolutely certain, he pried off the top. It took him a few seconds to undo what had clearly stayed shut for so long, but once he popped it open he could feel relief. Several papers were folded inside, writing able to be made out on the other side.

He stopped when his eyes found the one on top. His throat caught and he felt himself washed with a sense of dread. He looked up to find the lady, but she apparently had left.

Forcing himself to pick up the paper, he let his fingers trail over the words. He reread them once. Twice. Probably four more times just to be sure. He set it down and picked up the next letter. Same thing. The next? Same. He wasn’t for sure what this meant exactly… And more importantly he wasn’t sure how _Lance_ would react the situation.

A stab of resentment towards Kai hit him. The alien had gone to Earth – no. Not just to Earth, but to _Varadero_ , to Lance’s _home_ and put these letters at his family’s _graves_ for this to be the outcome. What the Hell had he been thinking? His temper shot up and he crumpled the paper in his hands. He walked towards the edge of the cliff, prepared to toss them over and leave it at that.

He stopped short when he saw Luis’ tomb. For a second, he felt all of the McClains’ eyes on him.

“Well what am I supposed to do?” He asked, turning back to the marble. They didn’t answer. He supposed he knew better than to ask the dead for advice. The letters fluttered a bit and Keith closed his eyes, shutting the tin before they could escape. Throwing them out to the sea just might be equivalent to killing him a second time and Keith knew he couldn’t do that. His fingers tightened around the one remaining paper and he sighed. He sat back down and tugged it open.

_Dear Keith…_

* * *

 Yorak’s head lifted as he shimmied into the hotel, letting the door slam shut behind him. The wolf _technically_ wasn’t allowed inside the room, but Keith figured when your wolf can teleport that it could go wherever the Hell it wants.

Lance groaned from the bed – probably smelling the coffee Keith had bought.

“Hi.” Came his boyfriend’s muttered response and Keith winced. Irritation. That was going to be fun to work around. He repressed a sigh and dug out the breakfast he had picked up – fresh fruit, toast, and eggs. He could see the smell of it calling to Lance, who shifted in his bed to look at the table. “Can you bring that over here?” He asked, the moodiness immediately dropped in favor of a sweet, honeyed tone. Keith rolled his eyes.

“No. Come over here and get it.”

“Whatever.”

Andddd the moodiness was back. Keith shrugged, snapping his fingers so that Yorak disappeared from the bed and reappeared by his side. He brought out some treats he had picked up and Yorak yipped before licking Keith and nabbing them.

“Good boy.” He murmured and sat down to eat his breakfast. Lance shifted from the bed. If Keith was lucky then the smell of the food would finally break him and he would get up. If he wasn’t then this would have to be their day.

“Lance…” He sighed and his eyes flicked to the tin he had placed in the corner of the room, far from where his boyfriend could see it “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Hm?”

“You know I’m not going to say anything if you’re over there.”

“Christ, Keith.” Lance sighed and sat up, running a hand through mused hair “Give me a break, will you?” He snapped out. Keith rose an eyebrow. “Sorry, sorry.” He muttered and looked between him and the breakfast miserably before his eyes danced longingly at his bed.

“It’s important.” Keith tried and that was probably a little unfair. He could see the concern in his boyfriend rise. His eyes flicked to the communicator they used to keep in touch with Libertas when he wasn’t there. “I’m sure Talia has it under control.” He added. Probably more than under control… Lance’s second had a scary way of being productive without… Doing anything. It was weird. They would just come back to find her exactly where they left her and problems would be still somehow be solved.

Keith also had _yet_ to see her smile. Him and Lance had a running bet to see who could make her laugh first. Allura had come the closest so far, but she wouldn’t say how she almost achieved it.

“Then what is there to talk about?” Lance grumbled, falling back into the bed. So close… His patience dwindled for a moment.

“Kai.”

He really shouldn’t had said that. He knew that too… The name just popped out, knowing it was a solid way to get him moving. Sure enough, Lance jolted back up, eyes narrowed as he awaited Keith’s explanation. There was wariness in his gaze… Because honestly? What was there left _to_ say about Kai at this point? The funeral had been a year ago – right after Lance had reclaimed his title as commander and picked his second.

“That isn’t funny.”

Keith sighed.

“I’m not trying to be.” He said and brought out the tin for him to see. Keith may not agree with what Kai had done, but he knew Lance deserved better than to be lied to. Lance’s eyes widened a bit when he saw it. He went quiet and Yorak seemed to sense something was wrong because the wolf went over and nuzzled his hand.

“How?” He asked, eyes not leaving the box. Keith didn’t answer. He just looked back at him. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to even explain. Lance finally sighed, shoving the covers off and moving to the table. He reached for the tin, but Keith pulled it back, shoving the food at him. “Keith.”

“I know.” He winced. Lance had a right to this information. He shouldn’t be holding it hostage “I just… I’m trying to figure out what to say.”

“What to say?” He repeated and bit off a little toast. “Why? You found them… Somehow. What more is there to say?”

“They’re addressed to me.”

Lance stopped chewing. His eyes moved away from the box to where Keith sat. Silence seemed to be beating Keith down. He wanted a response. For Lance to say… Something. He could see the sting hit. The confusion and disappointment flicker in his gaze before it shifted and Keith could read nothing on his face at all.

“Oh.” He said and bit another piece of the toast. “Okay.”

Keith waited, but he just kept eating.

“You… Don’t want to know what it says?”

“It wasn’t meant for me.”

“Well… No, but if you want to see I would show you.”

Lance stopped eating to give him a weak smile. His fingers tapped on the table before looking towards the tin again and he shook his head.

“I mean, if it would help _you_ to talk about it, than sure… But I’ll be fine without knowing.” He shrugged “I don’t think Kai ever held anything back from me. The only thing I ever wondered about with him was this.” He said, gesturing to the box “Now I have that answer. I’m good.” He said and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m gonna take a shower.” He hummed and tilted his head “You can join…?”

Keith rolled his eyes.

“Are you really up for that?”

“Well… No, not really.” Lance sighed “But I thought if you were I would be inspired.”

“I doubt we even have time.” He mused “We have to be back in a couple hours and the last time we left Sonja waiting she accidentally punched Marton in the nose.”

“You’re a fool if you think that was an accident.” Lance muttered, but stretched a bit so that his joints popped before getting up to move towards the bathroom. “I’m also concerned that you think you can last a couple hours.”

Keith choked on his coffee.

“ _Lance_!” He spluttered, utterly offended. His evil boyfriend only snickered before disappearing into the bathroom. He supposed he should be pleased that he had pepped up enough to tease him, but damn. That was cold. He waited until the he could hear the shower running to pull back the box of letters. The thing about Lance – is sometimes it could be really hard to get him in the shower, but once he was in it was equally hard to get him _out_. Considering the blow Keith had just dealt him, he would say he had some time.

He looked down at the first letter… The handwriting loopy and slightly tilted, almost like Kai had written in italics. He had read the first one by the cemetery, but felt the need to reread it… To be sure it wasn’t a dream.

_Dear Keith,_

_I’m going to upfront about this entire thing right now – fuck you._

_Like, dude. Honestly. You have been such a headache. A heartache. An everything-inside-of-me-ache. I once wondered if my kind could feel emotions as purely as humans do… You have allowed me to discover that I can. Maybe I should thank you for that. Maybe I should hate you for that. I find I’m unable to do either._

_Part of me doubts you’ll ever read this. I hope to God you don’t. If you are… I’m not entirely sure what that means. Did I give this to you? I can’t imagine why I would. Perhaps I died. In which case someone was fucking around in my things and just saw your name… Which means we might not have met._

_Hi. I’m Kai. Allow me to explain what is going on since you might not have any sort of context to the letter I’m writing and why you have caused me such emotional distress._

_Essentially, I’m dating Alejandro. You may know him as Lance – he was a paladin of Voltron many years ago. Then again, in one of the memories I’ve seen of you, you forgot who he was even though you guys 100% went to school together for quite a few years… So maybe you have no idea who I’m talking about… But I digress._

_I come from a species that see the memories of others. There are… Reasons for that. I’ll leave it a mystery for now. We’ll just say these memories are able to keep my kind alive sometimes. And because I am able to see memories I have gotten a pretty unique perspective of you. Alejandro’s perspective, in fact._

_Now something you should know… Memories are subjective. They will never give you an objective view of the world. Most people don’t recognize this when seeing a memory by itself. They’ll find it plays like a film – giving an audience a full story with all the information they need to gain an understanding of the situation. Unfortunately, memories are tainted. Mainly by emotion. Can you really look at the world clearly when you’re in love? When you’re angry? When you’re sad or happy or jealous or overcome with a thousand different feelings? Of course not._

_I consider myself something of an expert in catching these biases. I can tell when something is inaccurate or when an emotion is tainting something. That’s why my understanding of who you are is a little unclear, I must admit. You’re a bit like a smudge to me. You make Alejandro feel a lot of things. Angry mainly. Annoyed. Frustrated. God, sometimes when I visit a memory of you the frustration is so overwhelming... But sometimes you make him feel other things too. Confused. Happy. Safe. They’re emotions he doesn’t know what to do with, I can tell._

_But Alejandro’s emotions aren’t the reason I’m writing this… but yours. You see, when I’m able to strip away the sentiments I can to get a clearer view of you. He may not have noticed that you sometimes moved closer to him in past battles or occasionally reach out towards him when you sense he’s upset, but I certainly have. I don’t really know what the pair of you feel for each other. It is confusing for me to watch, let alone feel for myself… But whatever it is, it’s strong. Which is why you’re the audience to my personal thoughts – because I think you might be the only person who can understand whatever the Hell is happening to me._

_I didn’t know Alejandro before I found him in a prison a few months ago. I don’t know what he was like before any of this. I don’t know how to deal with what he feels or how I feel or any of that. I just know that I wish there was someone here that could help me figure out how to make him happy. Someone who I know wants him to be happy as well… And I think you do, despite everything. I suppose I could choose to write this to his mother or one of his siblings… But there is something comforting about writing to someone that I know is alive – even if I don’t plan on you ever answering._

_This is going to be so awkward if you ever end up actually reading these. I’ll have to hide them. Or maybe burn them one day._

_To be continued in my next letter._

_Sincerely,_

_Kai_

Keith put down the letter, refolding it as he mulled it over. He didn’t know what to think, quite honestly. Kai hadn’t planned on Keith actually reading these… He wondered what had changed his mind. The answer probably lied in the midst of the remaining papers. He glanced over to see the steam beginning to seep out of the bathroom and figured he had time for another. He pulled out the next one, flipping it open.

_Keith,_

_I feel like I should have some sort of nickname for you? I won’t take samurai or mullet since those are Alejandro’s. Maybe… I don’t know? Texas? Because apparently that’s where you’re from? I’m really bad at nicknames, sorry. Also, I thought you were from Earth? I’m just overall confused, but whatever. For now I’ll just stick with Keith._

_You know, Alejandro used to tell me stories about how humans fell in love. He said it usually felt like your heart was beating too fast or your stomach was tying itself in knots. That you felt excited and happy and overwhelmed to be around that person… And that was how you knew you were in love._

_In my culture, we identify love a bit differently. It isn’t the fluttering of a heart that tells us, but the breaking of one. Basically, if it hurts you... Truly, truly hurts you… Then it’s probably love. It is special to us because we tend to feed off of pain rather than feel it ourselves. Obviously, we feel it the same as any other creature, but there’s a difference between the taste and the emotion. We don’t like the emotion. We do like the taste. Love is one of those rare things where we don’t like the emotion or the taste of it – yet for some reason it is still addicting._

_I think humans are the same as us in this way… But I suppose my understanding of humanity is limited._

_I wonder if you struggle with this sort of thing... Struggling with humanity, that is. I find the species as a whole… Strange. Hard to really understand. It makes it difficult to be with Alejandro sometimes. I can watch his memories over and over again, but I find myself still walking in circles. Sometimes he asks me not to look into his memories and I’m left with absolutely no direction on how to proceed. It’s even worse when I can feel the pain on him rise with no given indication of why. How am I supposed to help him if he won’t let me?_

Keith put the letter down with a sharp intake. The last sentence hit too close to home. He rose, pouring himself some water and looking out the window towards the beach outside. Part of him understood Lance’s preference to curling up in bed all day. It seemed like the easiest solution to all the problems at the moment. Like he could postpone the real world just for another day. The water still was running in the bathroom so Keith circled back to the table, gulping down the last of his drink before picking the paper up again.

_Then again, I wonder if I can ever truly help him at times. I can see memories. Feel the memory of what he felt and sometimes when I pull away I can still hear the beating of a heart that isn’t mine. It is… A strange sort nostalgia, really. To feel pain for people I have never met. To feel homesick for someone else’s home. To feel longing for a life I never even lived… I should appreciate it, I suppose. The fact Alejandro allows me to be near these things says a lot. Often we focus on how wonderful it is that we can love people who trust us with their happiness. It is equally comforting to be in love with someone who trusts you enough their sadness. I think if Alejandro only let me have the good things I would be missing something altogether._

_From what I’ve seen of you, he trusted you with similar stuff sometimes. Or at least he had wanted too… I wish I could get some feedback. Am I doing any of this right? I feel like if I were than Alejandro would be happier… Maybe with humans it’s supposed to come in waves._

_Be prepared to get another one of these soon._

_Sincerely,_

_Kai_

Keith grimaced. In a way the letters were a little… Comforting? Keith often found himself comparing himself to the ghost of Kai. When things got particularly tense between him and Lance he would wonder what he could be doing differently – if perhaps _Kai_ was better at dealing with this sort of thing.

It was a ridiculous stream of thought and Lance had called him out on it a few times, but there was always that obnoxious insecurity looming over him… Because what if Kai _hadn’t_ died? Sure, it was clear that Kai had once believed that Keith would be Lance’s first choice, but he wasn’t always sure… Maybe they wouldn’t have ever gotten together. Maybe Lance would realize someone who could literally read the emotions of his memories was better than someone who barely deal with their own. It was… Nice to know Kai had similar troubles, quite honestly.

“You’re thinking too loudly.”

Keith jumped, dropping the paper. He glanced to see Lance behind him, towel tied around his waist and hair sticking to the side of his face.

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to do it for both of us.” He quipped back. Lance shook his head, pulling out his armor. He sighed. “We could take another day.” Keith told him, watching carefully “If you need another day we can go back tomorrow.”

“Another day for me to lie around and do nothing, you mean.”

“You’re being a bit harsh.” Keith sighed and Lance kissed the side of his head as he passed by him.

“Yeah, well you seem to be taking the day off.” He said and his eyes went to the letter in his hand before going back to getting changed. Keith opened his mouth to respond, but cut himself off. Picking battles. He wasn’t going to fight this one. It wasn’t worth it for either of them.

“Where’s your next mission?” He asked instead, changing the subject. Lance zipped up his suit and walked to the closet to toss Keith’s at him.

“Um… Tattoine, I think?” He frowned and Keith scowled.

“It is not actually called Tattoine.”

“Well…No.” Lance shrugged, but a small smile was playing at his lips. “But it _looks_ like it so that’s what I’m going to call it.” He said and Keith rolled his eyes. Trust his boyfriend to probably offend an entire species of aliens by naming their planet after _Star Wars_. “Anyways, it’s just a recon mission. Talia said she saw some galran ships landing there so it might be a new base they’re setting up. I’ll be taking a team to check it out.”

“Do you need backup?”

“Nah,” Lance told him. Keith was almost finished changing into his armor, pulling out a hair tie to pull his hair back. When it snapped, Lance handed him another one on his wrist absently “You and Allura are heading out on your own mission aren’t you?”

“Sort of – we’re meeting up with my mom to discuss where the next mission is going to be.” He shrugged. Despite years of now knowing Krolia the words ‘my mom’ still felt weird on his lips. He was getting better with it, but had only called her that maybe three times to her face. Lance smiled when he heard it. “So if you need someone you can _call-_ ”

“I know, I know.” Lance told him and pulled out a bag to put their stuff in. He looked exhausted at the mere thought of just throwing their things inside. Keith quickly tugged it away from him so he could sit down. “And you can call too. I really don’t want to Shiro to have to drop by and tell me that you tried to kill another alien priest.”

“He wasn’t – that didn’t happen.” Keith grumbled. Alien priest. Please. The dude had been some kind of zealot for whatever alien religion he followed. He wasn’t necessarily _dangerous_ technically, but Keith would argue that he had been dangerously annoying.

“Of course not.” Lance hummed. Keith scowled. “Got everything?” He asked and when Keith nodded, stood “I’m piloting.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Try and stop me.” Lance said lightly and when Keith frowned, sighed “I’m fine. Besides, piloting helps clear my head.”

Battles. Picking battles. Keith tried to reason that Lance was probably right anyways – he was always calmer after he flew. It was this line of reasoning that allowed him to get into the shuttle they had flown to Earth on and curl up in the back seat. Lance often lost himself when he flew now – he was quiet and reflective in the stars. Keith pulled out Kai’s next letter.

_Homewrecker,_

_I’ve decided on a nickname. Do you like it? It’s because you’re a horrible, horrible person who steals what isn’t yours and doesn’t even realize it._

_I want to be angry with you. I would love to hate you… Yet I think you are probably as clueless as Alejandro about the whole situation. I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out. I’m not surprised you and Alejandro never did. You both seem too stubborn to confront even the most obvious of realities if you don’t want to._

_This is probably the worst position I could be in, quite frankly. I’ve realized my boyfriend belongs with someone else before he did. He might not be in love with you yet, but at this point I’m running on borrowed time. He wants to see Voltron again. To see you again. Whenever Voltron fights near us he always tries to join you – the council won’t let him, but he’ll eventually get his way, I’m sure._

_I hope you’re angry with him. Perhaps that’s selfish, but whenever you two are destined to see each other again I hope you are so furious with him that you won’t be able to notice how much you missed him. If you two end up together you should be grateful that you can’t see what’s going on in his head. It might allow you to understand certain things, but it also gives you access to things that maybe you shouldn’t understand about a person… Or makes it harder to ignore truths you don’t want to face._

_I know he’ll look out for you. He did so even when he thought he hated you. And he’s looked out for me passionately the past few years… I hope you can take care of him too._

_Sincerely,_

_Kai_

Keith nibbled at his lip. He had read through a good nine of the letters by now. They varied in topics. Sometimes they were stories of things Kai had gotten up to with Lance… Sometimes it was about fights they had or Kai just generally being confused about Lance and Earth. He reread the humorous ones and forced himself to think about the painful ones.

There was one more left. He stared at it, tapping a pen against the paper he nabbed from their hotel. He had doodled a bit as he read, sketching whatever came to his mind. Part of him wanted to postpone the last letter, but knew it would do no good. He looked out the window, trying to gauge if he had time. The stars zipped past them, but he could make out that they were still a few light years away. Lance was humming a bit under his breath, smoothly guiding them through an asteroid field. Keith ripped open the last letter.

_Hey homewrecker,_

_This is my final letter. My swan song if you will. It’s been fun talking to you… There’s a good chance if you are reading this then that means I’m not in the picture anymore… I’m not sure what the situation is, but I’m going to pretend like we fought an epic battle in which I most definitely beat you, but Alejandro asked me to spare your life. I obviously agreed, but you took advantage of the opportunity to stab me in the back, thus my tragic death. That’s obviously the most probable… Or maybe Lance realized he didn’t belong with me after all. I know without a doubt that Alejandro loves me. I also know without a doubt that you may be the better person for him. I’ll try my best not to resent that._

_Either way, I’ve decided to give you these letters. Sometimes being in love with someone who is hurting can be hard. Writing these things down has allowed me to better understand that… And in the (hopefully) rare case that I am not with Alejandro anymore and you are… I want you to pass my wisdom onto you. We have business, you and I. Whether I’m alive, missing, or dead these words were meant to aid you so listen closely:_

_-Just because something is wrong does not mean everything is wrong. There are days that Alejandro wakes up, thinking that he was back in that prison… There are days where he could only focus on finding Sendak… There are days where I am frustrated with how little I understand of him. These are challenges, surely, but they don’t take away the late nights we spend playing stupid board games or talking for hours about nonsense._

_-Learn to lose, my friend. I truly believe you and Alejandro are equally terrible at this. Trust me when I say there is no point in winning when you haven’t learned what it is to actually lose (with grace)._

_-There will always be a next time. Good or bad things tend to repeat themselves. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a problem is solved forever. Sometimes it will come back and you just need to start from the beginning._

_-You’re allowed to be frustrated. Don’t feel guilty about it. Alejandro will have bad days and they will make you upset just as much. You can’t control that – you can just control how you treat him. Patience is not only a virtue, but a skill you must practice. Trust me, it comes with time._

_Lastly… You may be wondering how I could write all of these letters to you, but leave nothing for the person who inspired them. If Alejandro has chosen you over me then I don’t think there’s much for me to say on the matter anyways. But if we are apart for some other reason…I don’t want to put anything in here to say to Lance... I don’t want an excuse to not say anything to him when he’s right in front of me. I hope he understands that. If I disappear having not said all I needed to say to him then I’ve failed him in a big way._

_That’s all I have to say on the matter. I’ll be heading to Earth soon to put these in a place you’ll eventually find them. I wish you luck on all of your endeavors._

_Sincerely,_

_Kai_

_P.S. If I find out he’s unhappy with you I will 1) take him back and 2) lock you in a room with Marton indefinitely. If you don’t know who Marton is then just know… You don’t want to be locked in a room with him._

_P.P.S. Thank you._

“Ready?”

Keith turned at the sound of Lance’s voice. The two crystals Keith had gotten him from Joxel sat on his chest next to the purple stone that glowed in the dim lighting, making Lance’s skin an eerie purple. Despite that, he looked… Safe. Like if Keith followed him he would end up in an amusement park instead of someone’s basement. He gave a small smile before standing, tucking the letter into his pocket.

“Yeah. Are you?” He asked and Lance scoffed.

“Please. I was born ready.” He threw back, easily. He didn’t ask about the letter. Keith doubted he ever would. The ship shook a bit as it landed and Keith could already see Red waiting patiently for him. The rest of Voltron was probably not too far away. He knew they often came to pay their respects as often as Lance did.

A lot had changed since they had discovered the walker prison that had been specifically built for Libertas members. Many members of the council had wanted to tear it down, but Lance surprisingly fought for it and with Sonja now on the council… Well. Lance usually got what he wanted.

“Look who decided to show up!”

Speaking on Sonja.

“Why are you here?” Keith asked her, giving a slight groan. He liked Sonja. Sort of. He knew she was Lance’s best friend so he put up her with her. Kind of.

He tried his best, alright?

“Because as a member of the council I have no orders to follow, Kogane.” She sniffed “Besides, I wanted to make sure you brought him back in one piece this time. Do I _need_ to remind you about the last time you guys went on a honeymoon escapade together?” She asked, falling into step with them.

“It wasn’t a honeymoon.” He muttered and Lance pouted at him.

“It wasn’t?”

Keith paused.

“We aren’t _married,_ you idiot.” He snorted and hoped his voice didn’t sound nervous. The box in his pocket felt a little heavier when he said it. He had ideally wanted to propose at Varadero, but considering Kai’s letters and Lance’s mood that had been a solid no-go.

“Oh, _that’s_ what I forgot to do.” Lance hummed “I meant to get that done between brushing my teeth and feeding Yorak this morning.”

“I can’t believe Yorak got priority over our marriage.” Keith told him, bumping his shoulder lightly “I knew that wolf would betray me someday.”

“Please. You’re just mad he likes me more.”

“Lies.”

“Wow.” Sonja said dryly “Can I pay you to please stop?” She asked. Keith glared.

“Nobody invited you.”

“Keith.” Lance warned and shoved Sonja “He’s right though. Nobody invited you.” He said and she put a hand over her heart, a retort at the tip of her tongue before her eyes flickered to the scene in front of them.

The golden arch loomed above them the words ‘Welcome to Libertas’ written in the walkers’ language. The stone building stood as high and mighty as ever, though the surroundings had changed vastly since Keith had first landed on the planet with Voltron all those years ago.

Grass now covered nearly everything, minus where a sparkling lake stood. They had taken the water from a neighboring planet and filled some of the craters. A few kids were playing there now, dodging water guns and giggling as they pushed each other around. Lance’s eyes drifted to them and a small smile touched his lips.

“HI COMMANDER!” One of the kids yelled, seeing Lance. The others stopped playing to all turn. Lance held up a hand in greeting. A few of the aliens screamed in excitement, tripping over themselves to greet them.

“Commander Lance!” One girl said, catching her breath “You’re back!” She said and her eyes widened when she noticed Sonja and Keith next to him. “I – councilman Sonja!” She greeted and clumsily knelt, pressing her hand to her forehead in greeting. The other children did the same. Sonja smiled, basking in the fear she caused before gesturing for them to rise. “Paladin Keith.” The girl addressed him next, bowing her head in respect. Keith awkwardly waved. A few kids were watching him with wide eyes. He could hear his name whispered among them in awe.

“How is everyone?” Lance asked and the kids all started speaking at once, trying to update him on all that had happened. Keith tuned them out, eyes instead moving to the four buildings that had been built behind the initial prison.

When Lance proposed using the area as a sort of refugee camp for the families who had their homes destroyed in the war he had made is very clear that the prison would be used for storage only, and new buildings would be used for the families. Keith figured it would be a bit creepy to use the prison as a housing area anyways. After a few thousand renovations though, the area had become more welcoming than he thought possible. There were greenhouses scatters about, reflecting lights from the stars and moons, making them look like shimmering crystals. Other, smaller buildings were made for various purposes – dining halls, schools, hospitals, etc… It looked like a bit like a strange Earth town that had simply been plopped in the middle of space.

“You good, mullet?” Lance’s voice called to him. He glanced over, realizing the kids had disappeared. His hand brushed lightly against Keith’s, but he didn’t grab him. Lance had a very strange method for physical affection with him. He never just grabbed Keith or was overly touchy. He liked to do little things like brush up against him or flick some hair out of his eyes. It was comfortable for Keith, who had never been a big proponent of being touched suddenly, and it took him forever to realize that was why Lance did it.

“Yeah,” He smiled and grabbed Lance’s hand. He looked a little surprised, but didn’t pull away, instead lacing their fingers together. “Ready?”

“Hm.” Lance nodded and took a few more steps forward. At the center of the little town Libertas had created was another cemetery. It was where the Libertas members were buried if they had no planet to be buried on. Keith’s eyes danced to where Lina’s grave stood. A single flower laid on it and Keith knew it was probably Lance who put it there. They walked passed it towards another grave. Sonja stopped a few feet away from it. Her face had slipped into a more solemn expression. Lips pressed together and head bowed down slightly.

Lance still had trouble visiting his family’s grave, but he never had that issue with Kai’s.

It was a mystery Keith had given up trying to solve long ago. Perhaps Lance somehow got a sort of closure with Kai that he never had with the others… Or maybe there was something about his death that hurt less. Keith never asked. It was one of those questions that would remain invisible and heavy.

Kai didn’t have a marble tomb like the McClains, but a simple headstone that was directly under the moonlight, name carved carefully into the slab. Dozens of tokens were left. Some were flowers (probably left by the paladins), some were small, silver coins (an Altean custom), there were pebbles (a walker custom), and dozens of small trinkets that Keith couldn’t tie to a specific race of aliens. Sonja brought out her own silver coin and placed it down. She didn’t say anything.

Lance went next. He placed down a flower – also silent. He didn’t let go of Keith’s hand as he did so… If anything, he held on tighter, as if he was afraid Keith might go and join him. He squeezed back. After Lance rose, he went to move away, but Keith kept him there. Reaching into his armor, he pulled out a folded sheet of paper. Kai’s name was written on the front.

“You wrote back?” Lance asked, taking in Keith’s writing.

Keith only nodded and put it on the grave. He knew that his words would never be read – not by Kai anyways. But it was nice to give him an answer. To have Keith’s thoughts written down and explained… He understood why Kai was so fond of the practice. Lance didn’t say anything.

“Voltron is here.” Sonja said, heat tilted towards the sky. She turned away, giving a small wave towards the Green lion as it landed a bit towards the outside of the town. Keith sighed. They would be coming to drag him back. No doubt there were a million missions he had to do. Lance was probably just a busy… They would have to wait a few weeks before they had anytime together again.

Lance must have sensed his annoyance because he smirked, tugging him away from the cemetery.

“Are you going to miss me?” He asked. Keith scoffed.

“No.”

“My heart. So broken. So shattered.” He sniffed “How can you be so cruel, mullet?”

“I’m still kind of offended you said I wouldn’t last a couple hours this morning.” He said and Lance snickered like the asshole he was.

“I love you,” He beamed and his grin widened “But I don’t take it back.”

“I love you too… But I would like to point out if _anyone_ should be embarrassed about their sex life it’s you. Have you even slept with a human before?” He teased “I feel like there’s a furry comment I can make somewhere.”

“I can’t believe you even know what a furry _is_.” Lance grumbled, face flushing. It quickly turned into a smug grin “And I have some bad news about your parents, mi amor….”

“Do not.” Keith warned, shuddering.

“I’ve always admired your father.” Lance continued because the man knew no boundaries when it came to saying inappropriate things. “Who sees an alien fall from the sky and think ‘I’m going to get laid’? What a champ.”

“Right. I have so many issues with everything you just said.” He told him, shaking his head. Lance chuckled. They were almost to the lions. Red purred as a greeting. Before they got closer Lance stopped walking.

“You’re upset.” He noted. Keith blinked. Lance was watching him carefully “Or… Stressed.” He said slowly and frowned at him “Your galra eyes are showing.”

Damnit. Every time.

Keith had lost count on how often he hadn’t been able to get away with things because his galran features ratted him out… It was a lot. Usually when Keith’s emotions were high his eyes turned into yellow slits first. If he was particularly angry his claws might come out… Literally. Lance found it hilarious to say.

“It’s nothing.” He said quickly. Lance pursed his lips. He ran a thumb over his knuckles.

“I’m… Sorry about this morning. I should have come with you to the cemetery-”

“No, no!” Keith cut him off, horrified “Jesus, Lance. It’s fine. You know that… I really don’t mind.” He shook his head “I mean, I wish we could have gone to the beach or something because there was something I wanted…” He trailed off. There was really no use lying. Lance could coax anything he wanted out of him and they both knew it… But also Keith had wanted to figure out a better time.

“You wanted?” Lance repeated and narrowed his eyes. “What did you want to do on the beach?” He asked, suspiciously. Keith groaned.

“Nothing!”

“You’re lying!”

“Oh for the – let it go.” He grumbled, letting go of him in order to make his scowl more intimidating. Lance looked back at him, unimpressed. He was never intimidated by any of Keith’s glares or scowls. It was annoying sometimes.

“But it’s bothering you.” Lance pressed “If you want to do something, we can. I was in kind of a crappy headspace this morning, but we can go back-”

“Marry me.”

This was _not_ going to plan. Then again, his entire life hadn’t really gone to plan. Even his five-year-old self didn’t think ‘Space Paladin who pilots a Robotic Lion and Dates a Super Hot Cuban Commander of a Secret Task Force’ was a viable career option. Yet here he was.

Lance stared at him. Keith sighed and dug into his pockets, pulling out the ring.

“Listen. I had _planned_ to be romantic for once with the whole beach thing and I think that’s very important to keep in mind.” He said. Keith had _not_ wanted to do this with Lance’s ex-boyfriend’s grave less then a mile away… Yet again, here he was. Lance’s mouth dropped.

“I – _really_?” He demanded and Keith wasn’t sure that was the reaction he wanted. “You couldn’t have waited a week?” He demanded and dug into his own pocket to pull out a small, wooden box. Keith stared. Huh. “I had this whole thing planned where-”

Keith cut him off by kissing him. He really shouldn’t be surprised. Their relationship was made up of imperfect conditions that they just sort of ignored for the sake of being in love.

“Well I say yes.” He told him and Lance grinned into the kiss.

“Hmm… Still have to think about it.” He said and Keith used his free hand to hit him.

“Shiro is going to say we’re too young.”

“I’m twenty-three. That’s old enough.” Lance muttered “Besides, that didn’t stop you from getting a ring, did it?” He asked and pulled away “I say yes too… Just to keep things clear.” He smiled.

“Oh my _God_.” Pidge’s voice projected from the Green lion “Do you two have an off switch?”

They both turned towards the lions. Lance lifted the box in his hand to show the ring and Pidge’s voice went from annoyed to incoherent spluttering.

“ _You’re getting married_?!” She shrieked, possibly shaking the entire planet. Lance clapped his hands over his ears, cursing. “Oh… Sorry.” She said and turned the speaker off. Keith sighed. He could already see Hunk, Allura, and Shiro popping out of their lions. Sonja was waiting for Pidge so they could both be annoying together.

“You’re sure?” Lance asked him “I won’t be offended if you take it back.”

“Positive. Are _you_ sure?” He asked. Lance laughed.

“Positive.” He agreed.

It wasn’t really what Keith had planned on, but he would definitely take it. He could see Hunk glowing in the distance and shook his head. They would be hearing about this for _weeks_. Pidge and Sonja were whispering to one another – Sonja bending down so she could hear Pidge better and the girl in question trying to get her to stand up straight. Those two would be another problem.

“Hey...” Lance said suddenly “Do you feel that?”

“What?”

“I – _that_!” He said and Keith felt a rush of concern that immediately spun itself into confusion when he felt something prick at his skin. He held out his hand and a few more pricks came. He rolled his fingers together and he realized it was water between his fingers.

“It’s… Raining.” He frowned, looking up at the sky. They had made the remnants of the old planet habitable, yes, but it was still a dead planet. There shouldn’t be an atmosphere that allowed for rain. Let alone rain that was similar to Earth’s rain. They’ve been to hundreds of planets at this point and the Earth was rare that it allowed for water to fall from the sky.

“How?” Lance asked, voice soft and awed as he tilted his head up.

“Pidge?” Shiro asked. He had approached, but stopped when a few more droplets came down a bit harder. The paladin in question shifted her glasses on her nose, frowning as she tapped something into her armor.

“I… guess it could be some freak physics?” She suggested warily “With all the plants and alien species suddenly inhabiting this place it isn’t completely unrealistic to say components in the air changed. Earth’s atmosphere took billion years to form, but here? Who knows?” She shrugged and her voice turned a bit fascinated as the rain began to come down a bit harder “I should take some samples of the soil here…” She mused.

“Lance?” Allura called “Are you alright?”

Keith’s head whirled around to look at his boyfriend (wait, fiancée? Holy fuck, that was a thing now). Lance’s eyes were a bit unfocused, but his expression snapped together at Allura’s voice. He turned to her and nodded.

“Just… Breathing.” He told her. Keith bit his tongue. He supposed at times that was all they were able to do. In the distance, a few people screamed in alarm while others laughed. They should probably reassure them that the water was harmless, but nobody in their group moved. Nobody even looked at one another.

They just stood there. Breathing.

It was the most content Keith had felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. That happened. I hope you enjoyed this journey with me - I have never written a fic this long and honestly, I'm shook at how efficient I was with it lol. I'll probably spend a day editing all the grammar/spelling mistakes that I'm sure are scattered about in a couple weeks.
> 
> I hope you liked the ending with Keith. I figured it was fitting... I wanted to make sure it was understood that while obviously, Kai was still someone who was important, he wasn't perfect and struggled with the same things Keith has/will in regarding his relationship with Lance. 
> 
> Anyways... You guys have been so wonderful in keeping me motivated to write this. I probably wouldn't have done this nearly as quickly/well without everyone being so sweet and supportive. So thanks for that.
> 
> If you guys wanna read more from me then I'm writing a series that could not be more opposite from this. Much lighter. It's called "Storytime: Voltron is (Basically) a Disaster" so if you wanted to like...not cry then you can check that out lol. 
> 
> One more time thank you for reading. You guys are awesome and I'll miss you <3

**Author's Note:**

> Listen. Hear me out. Is Libertas a lame name for a space organization? Absolutely. Did I spend an hour staring at my wall trying to figure out something better? You betcha. Did I come up with something cool sounding? No. No I did not. If you guys have better ideas please let me know so I can change it lol. 
> 
> Hi by the way! Thanks for dropping by and reading. I hope everyone likes it so far. I feel like I included a lot of OCs thus far, which I know I'm not really a huge fan of when reading. They really just help me establish things. They won't be around forever, trust me. 
> 
> Also, I hope you like long chapters! I'm a pretty quick updater, but since the chapters are so long it might only be once or twice a week. I'm working on chapter 3 right now so we'll see how I do. 
> 
> Anyways, this is my first fic in this fandom so if you want to throw comment/kudos my way that would be cool. If you hated it then that's cool also lol. I generally hate 99% of whatever I write too. See you soon!
> 
> -CF


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